If you haven’t picked up on it yet you probably think rocks can float. When I watch a movie I want one of two things, I want it to be really really good like Casablanca, or really really godawful like Deathrace 2000. To me there is no middle ground. I can’t stand mediore movies. That is one of the many reasons Halloween is such a special time of year to me. Horror films are ALWAYS on during the Halloween season and lets face it, for the most part these movies are pure, unfiltered shit…and I LOVE every second of it. What follows is not a series of review, but a list of recommendations for you to watch this Halloween and why you should. That and if you don’t you are probably an asshole anyway.
Killer Klowns from Outer Space
When I am dead I want this movie to be playing at my funeral. I don’t know what combination of drugs, alcohol, molestation, retardation, insanity and compulsive masturbation lead the Chiodo Brothers (who also did one of my favorite t.v. series “Land of the Lost” to come up with this amazing piece of work, but I will swear to any god on anything that you consider holy that this will be one of the best, craziest, most amazing films YOU WILL EVER SEE! This is like sex for your eyes. For Christ’s sakes, the tag line is “In Space No One Can Eat Ice Cream”. I really had a tough time putting this movie on this list because it is perfect in every way. I’m not kidding here. I really REALLY love this movie. This is one of my top 10 favorite movies of all time. Alas, it is cheesy and so I did put it on the list. I don’t want you to think that it is just some lame movie about clowns though. It is about aliens that look like clowns and kill people with popcorn shooters, shadow puppets, cotton candy, long straws to suck out their brains, ray guns, balloon animals, giant boxing gloves, turning people into puppets, Jack-in-the-boxes and other various goodies. The Klowns apparently feed off humans and can only be destroyed by popping their big red noses.
With a 3-D Cover and a tag line like ” I Want you…DEAD! How could you not love every single thing about this movie. I love cheap horror flicks and this one is right up there, but beyond that it also has a “message”. I think this movie’s script may have originally been about a soldier who dies, who was a real asshole in life, and most of the people who knew him aren’t really sad that he’s dead. Except of course for the young nephew that respected his uncle like he WAS G.I. Joe. I can only presume that the original script continued to explore this, however it seems no one wanted to make that movie so somewhere along the line the production team said, “fuck it’ and scrapped everything after the first half hour or so and turned it into a horror film. It actually kind of reminds me of a porn0o with a plot. No one really care about the plot, but having one makes the movie cheesier and therefore far better than the director ever intended.
He’s chillin’ and killin’ . Ah ha ha ha what awesome poetry. This movie is a wonderful romp through a winter wonderland about a serial killer who gets mutated into a badass snowman. Truth be told, this was probably the movie that made me really LOVE horror flicks. Don’t get me wrong, I was always into the genre for as long as I can remember, but to me it was always just horror, I was very indiscriminate in what I would watch from the genre. Then When I was 16 I worked in a video store, and when this thing hit our shelves for release I saw that snowman and HAD to have a copy. I rented it, took it home and watched it. Originally my young mind thought, “My god, this is the worst movie I have ever seen”. Then I watched it again…I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF! I finally got it, horror movies weren’t supposed to be judged by the same criteria as say a spaghetti western or a good crime film, horror films had their own criteria for judgment. The worse the acting, the better the film. The cheesier the the special effects, the better the film. The more unintentionally comical the death scenes, the better the film. See what I am getting at? If you’re a horror fan you already know. Everything that would make any other movie bad makes a horror movie good. Jack Frost is one of the best.
Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman
I will admit it. I was unsure of this movie the first time I saw it. First of all the tag line to this one is the slightly less original, slightly less funny “He’s Icin’ and Slicin'”. Combine that with the fact that the cover indicates he had a baby snowman who is apparently Charles Manson, I had only assumed that the producers had ruined one of my favorite movies. Then again I was in college at the time and I figured if it really was that bad that with enough pot anything would be bearable. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Not about about the pot, about the movie being ruined. This movie ruled just as hard as the first one if not harder. Sure Jack technically does have a “kid” but he is an evil little fuck that makes me laugh. Apparently melting a snowman with antifreeze then burning the antifreeze isn’t enough to stop him. I won’t give away the plot, just know that this one starts off just a cheesy as the first, then mix in an island vacation, “supermodels” and the fact that Jack can be killed with bananas.
Bill Goldberg as an evil Santa? You may think that this would be the worst movie ever. You would be wrong. Dead Wrong. When I saw this movie on the shelves I said to myself “Bill, what have you gotten yourself into now?” The thing is, as both a wrestling fan and hard core horror head I doubted this movie, and I have punished myself everyday since then, just call me Opus Slay. Words can not describe my love of this movie. In fact I would say my love of this movie ties with my love of booze and porn. There are so many great things I want to tell you about this movie, so many amazing death scenes, so many gags, but alas I can not or it would take away from the genius of this movie when you go to watch it. I will give you one just to whet your appetite. In the opening scene of the movie Billy boy slaughters a family’s dog using a ceiling fan. What I can tell you about the movie is that apparently 1000 years ago Santa lost a curling match to an angel and had to only do good for 1000 years. Now the 1000 yes is up and he is fucking pissed. I’m pretty sure he is just that pissed from actually playing curling…playing curl…what ever using a rock and a broom. One of my favorite parts of this flick are the fact that to explain chunks of Santa’s back story they chose to use stop motion animation like the classic Christmas specials. If this film were booze I would drink it, cigarettes I would smoke it, food I would eat it, a chick I would fuck it or hel if it were a dude and I were a fairy I would want it inside of me. That’s how much I love this fucking movie.
The Gingerdead Man
How Gary Busey hasn’t been in more horror flicks before this is beyond me. That dude looks and sounds just a fucking psycho as he is. If it were up to me though the GB would probably have a part in just about every movie. In fact that is why I am pretty sure I don’t make movies. Every flick would star Kurt Russell, Gary Busey, a bunch of topless chicks, Bruce Willis and be about knife fighting. Tommy Lee Jones (you can’t just have a few of those elements or it won’t work well just look at Under Siege. It had Busey, Jones, knife fighting and a topless chick and it still sucked) would probably be in there some where. Any how back to this flick. I love the plot of this movie, serial killer kills people, serial killer is executed, serial killer’s ashes end up in cookie dough, serial killing cookie man runs amuck. I gotta say, while not as good as some of the other Jack Frost inspired flicks of the last 10 years, this one still has its reasons to watch. One game my friends and I like to play is a drinking game called “get fucked up with the fuck ups”. Fortunately for us there are so many technical fuck ups in this film we are always wasted half way into it.
Satan’s Little Helper
This movie is rediculous. I’m serious. Its a cluster fuck the whole time its on, but who doesn’t love a good cluster fuck? The plot of this bad boy is so fucking twisted I am not even going to attempt to explain it. All you need to know is a boy is all about a video game called Satan’s Little Helper, he has a hot ass sister, the boy finds Satan and becomes his side kick, his sister gives her self up to Satan, many many people die, Satan gets away. SEE THIS FILM. Yeah it’s low budget, but fuckin a it actually has a really original story, plus it has cheesy masks and bad acting.
This is a classic slasher flick from the early nineties and the first on our list that didn’t have gags intentionally written into the script. I honestly have no idea why this film didn’t catch on any bigger than it did, I can only guess because it isn’t that cheesy. It is actually a good film. Hell the only reason it is on this list is because it is from the early 90’s and is only cheesy by today’s standards. Dr. Giggles is a tale of revenge. The main character is a deranged lunatic who’s father was stoned to death by the townspeople because he would rip out people’s hearts in an attempt to resurrect his wife. It’s 35 years later and the deranged lunatic is back.
This movie is a pretty awesome flick as well. Not so much a cheesy special effects driven kill fest as some of the other titles, it still deserves a place on the list. Basically this is a tale of a dentist with O.C.D. who discovers his wife cheating on him then starts taking it out on his patients. Eventually he snaps and starts killing anyone in his way. Wait E-Rokk, didn’t you say “Not so much a cheesy special effects driven kill fest as some of the other titles”? Why yes I did. The special effects in this movie were actually first rate and one the effects master a few awards, and as far as the killing goes, it isn’t as outlandish as most of the other titles on here. This is a story of a man who is tortured inside his own mind. Plus the ending is really twisted.
Night of the Demons
If you like the Evil Dead flicks I am fairly certain you’ll enjoy this. Pay attention here, I am in no way comparing this movie to the Evil Dead flicks or the genius they contain, I am merely stating that I think you will find this movie enjoyable as well. So this movie stars one of the ladies on our Top Ten Horror Movie Hotties list Linnea Quigley and a few other people as a bunch of kids that have a party in a mortuary. The mortuary itself has a back story reminiscent of The Amityville Horror, and the kids all end up possessed by demons. The two that aren’t have to survive until morning. If you want you can rent the two sequels and spend the whole night laughing your ass off. Maybe I’ll do that tonight.
I love movies about possessed buildings, Amityville, Poltergeist, This House Possessed, The Shinning (shh we don’t want to get sued) and all the rest. I mean there is just something about a good old house that is pure evil, hates the people living in it for one reason or another and is usually invested by ghosts. So why didn’t all the other possessed dwelling films make the list when this one did? See it. From the lame special effects to the fact that George Wendt (Norm from Cheers) and Richard Moll (Bull from Night Court) are in this movie because they could no wrong in the 80’s just like the Gutte and Madonna. I have seen this movie a good 40 times now and every time I do it looks more and more like a lost episode of Nickelodeon’s “Are You Afraid of the Dark”.
This movie is awful. I mean it. It really sucks. In fact it sucks so bad I picture that scene from Waterboy when sings “Water sucks! It really really sucks!”, instead in my head he is singing about this movie. I tried to sit through it once when it wasn’t Halloween and I couldn’t do it. I do sit through it for Halloween though because let’s face it, I torture myself with bad movies and sugar induced comas every year.
Blades: Just when you thought it was safe to putt.
I have waited this entire piece to talk about this movie. I watch this film every year for the sake of tradition. As I mentioned earlier I started working in a video store when I was 16 and I worked there throughout most of high school. It was probably one of my favorite jobs ever. It was a small independently owned store where I would sit on my ass, play video games or watch movies, eat pizza, drink my bosses beer, smoke cigarettes, hang out with my friends, be mean to customers or put on Star Wars and have light saber battles using rolled up movie posters with my friends. One day when I went into work my boss asked me to take all the movies of the shelves and rearrange them according to his new plan. As I was going through the movies I would set aside ones I wanted to take home for the upcoming weekend party I was throwing. I came across a movie that all I could deduce from the cover was about golf and death. Now had I noticed it was a Troma film I would have had some warning of what I was in for, but the store I worked at would simply cut the front panel off of a video box and slide it into a plastic cover on the hard cases they used for the movies. I took the movie home, popped in and my friend Stratt and I sat down to watch it as I waited for the rest of our friends to show up.
There have never been any words written in any language to describe what Stratt and I felt after viewing this film. It was so weird. An evil demon golf cart was on a killing spree and taking out golfers. I mean…Jesus.
I took the film back to the video store that Sunday. The next day in school I was talking about it to someone and they didn’t believe me. I told them to stop in the store and I would rent it to them. When I went to work that night it was GONE. My boss had no idea what I was talking about. No one knew of the existence of this movie. Could it all have been an awful figment of my imagination? For the next for years I would describe to people and they would look at me like I was crazy. Perhaps I was, but I KNEW I sat through this shitfest.
Years later Stratt got a hold of me to tell me his sister got this for him on dvd and that it was in fact a Troma film. I took it upon myself to order the video from Troma’s site and now I watch it every Halloween.