SNYDER: Still Hard Kick Off

Hampton, Va———————–

sh2

The air is electrified this morning as the most anticipated tour in the entire world gets set to kick off. SNYDER, aka the Greatest American Rock Band will play the first show of the “Still Hard” tour tonight at the Hampton Coliseum after ANVIL, AC/DC and KISS perform their sets.

SNYDER has recently faced tragedy, inner-conflict, arrests and the constant shadow of drug, sex and alcohol abuse but have remained completely in control of tour planning and preparation.

When my phone rang at 6:30 this morning I almost couldn’t believe my ears, “SNYDER IS HERE, SNYDER IS HERE, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY SNYDER IS HERE!!!” My boss, entertainment editor of the Daily Press, Max Fightpunch was screaming like a school girl.

I got dressed and drove down to the Coliseum as fast as laws would allow and entered the parking lot to a world of commotion and hustling. Three of the biggest bands on Earth and ANVIL were loading in all of their stage props and gear. ANVIL had 2 trucks, AC/DC had 7 and KISS had 12 but the entire convoy was overshadowed by the arrival of SNYDER’s gear. 11 C-5 Galaxies, America’s largest cargo aircraft sat at the Norfolk International Airport and unloaded into over 100 trucks which rumbled into the Coliseum.

I knew that in a few short hours SNYDER would be taking the stage but it still seemed like a fantasy, that was of course until I saw the crew unload Kormonaxxx! As real SNYDER fans know, Kormonaxxx is the 8 story fire breathing mecha-dragon that towers over the stage at every SNYDER show and there he was, right in front of me!!!

BEHOLD THE POWER OF KORMONAXXX!!!

BEHOLD THE POWER OF KORMONAXXX!!!

Just after 8 am I was brought to a well guarded area know as “the compound” which was made up of ten tractor trailers circled around SNYDER’s ultra luxury bus. The bus itself is 2 and a half times longer than a regular tour bus, two decks high and wide enough to almost completely take up two lanes of traffic and it looks like a gigantic, stretched out version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ party wagon.

partywagon

When I entered the bus Noah was standing in the door way in a pair of tighty whiteys drinking a bottle of gin, smoking a Benson and Hedges and scratching his ass, King Dut and Turbo were at the table snorting coke off of a young African American woman’s buttocks.

TURBO- Mornin’ sweetness, how’s tricks?

HAMPTON DAILY PRESS- I’m fine, excuse me, are you snorting coke?

KING DUT- Well how the hell else should we get it in our blood, I mean I guess I could go back to injecting it into my shaft.

TURBO- It’s o.k. love, this is the breakfast of champions.

HDP- Ma’am, you’re o.k. with them snorting illegal drugs off of your body?

KING DUT- Chantizzal doesn’t speak to anyone but me, Nasty and Turbs. Got it?

TURBO- See we use a black girl because the high contrast of the black of her sweet ass and the white of the cocaine allows to maximize the amount of yayo we get in our snouts.

HDP- Amazing. So how do you feel about starting off a brand new world tour?

KING DUT- Its about damn time, how long can I be expected to go without some road strange?

TURBO- He has a valid point, what are you up to after this miss delicious?

HDP- Um…………..what about touring without Cimba and Groz?

KING DUT- Cimba’s dead so I guess that’s a decent excuse, but Groz…well buddy how’s that rap career going? Know what I mean?

TURBO- This isn’t some low class bullshit, this is SNYDER you come hard and you come right or you don’t come at all.

NASTY- Which leads to blue balls.

KING DUT- Exactly.

HDP- You’re playing 672 shows on this tour, that seems absolutely insane, how do you prepare for something like that?

TURBO- Prepare?

HDP- Gene Simmons is known for his hatred of drugs and alcohol, how does he deal with SNYDER’s rampant partying?

KING DUT- He deals with it any way he can. I don’t give a shit if he is in KISS, he wouldn’t be seeing the kind of money on this tour that he is if SNYDER weren’t involved. SNYDER means bigger draws, more asses in the seats and more merchandise sold. SNYDER means (expletive deleted) dollar signs.

NASTY- Plus he knows if he mouths off or cries like a bitch we’ll slap the makeup right off his face.

HDP- You’re threatening physical violence to your tour mates?

KING DUT- Sure. What’s the worst that will happen? KISS is a cool band, but we can take em, AC/DC looks like the lollipop guild and no one heard of ANVIL a year ago and they’re Canadian so who gives a shit?

At that point I was informed that my time with the band was up and that the only way I could stay any longer was if I agreed to service them sexually…which I did.

—-Lisa Brelauxe is the entertainment reporter for the Hampton Daily Press.

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