In a world of uncertainties, a fragile economies, a time of war and a feeling that mankind is in its darkest moment, SNYDER is bringing us, at least for a moment, a time of joy. As hardcore fans already know, the “band that rocked ’em all” has been struggling with many…struggles, since the kick off of their latest tour.
First the band’s long time drummer and original member, “Little Boots” Cimba passed away in a Michigan bath house only to be replaced by “Rockin” Rick Mitchell. Mitchell in turn left the band in early December to join Nick Jonas’ new band “The Administration”. The night before the tour was to get underway long time bassist Groz left the band to launch a gangster rap career, the next day he did return to the band only to leave again a few hours later.
The band found a temporary bassist in Lemmy of Motorhead…or so they thought. Lemmy took the stage with the band only three times before throwing in the towel. During a recent interview on “That Metal Show” Lemmy had this to say, “Those crazy blokes are a bunch of bloody manky sods. Those arseholes do more drugs, shag more bints and down more booze than anybody I’ve ever seen and I am friends with Ozzy. They’ll probably all go cocks-up any day.”
After Lemmy walked out the band was forced to bring in Amber “Lady Myla” Mylam to fill in on bass duties. Lady Myla, while a very talented musician in her own right, couldn’t tolerate King Dut “boning sluts in her dad’s camper” and Turbo’s binge drinking and dill pickle sodomy of rodents. She lasted for 14 shows before finally calling it quits and returning to her band the Bumrush.
During Lad Myla’s time with the band she convinced her good friend and long time lesbian lover Sarah “Big Mama” Kochinski to join the band on drums. While she did give it her absolute best effort, it turns out that “Big Mama’s” talent at drumming matched her talent at pool which is to say no talent whatsoever. Due to the fact that they really couldn’t find anyone else and the fact that King Dut always wanted to “bang a black berry” Big Mama was allowed to remain in the band despite her complete lack of talent and eve more complete lack of interest in Dut.
One would think that the tragedy and struggles that beset the band thus far would have drawn to a close but such was not the case. As all of the major news networks have recently been reporting non-stop, rhythm guitarist Nasty Noah has been a long time Muslim/Socialist sympathizer. By the beginning of December he had finally had enough of Tea Parties and Republican rhetoric and went over the edge. Noah converted to Islam and changed his name to Moomba Al Ka Douche Bin Assface and joined up with Al-Qaeda. Moomba’s first assignment was to suicide bomb the RNC headquarters. While he did cover himself in dynamite and try his best to blow up the RNC, like everything else in his life he failed miserably and blew himself up without doing any actual damage to anything else.
After Moomba’s death the two remaining original members of SNYDER, King Dut and Turbo, made an extremely difficult decision and canceled the remainder of the “Still Hard” tour on December 10th 2009. The world was rocked and fans were “pissed” to say the least. A reporter from the music magazine “Blender” managed to get an interview with King Dut at his sprawling Liberty Park estate and ask him about the uncertain future of SNYDER.
Blender: So now that the tour is officially canceled, is this the end of SNYDER?
King Dut: What do you think buddy? I mean this band can’t run on Ranger Pride and Jojo’s pizza alone.
Blender: Well what about all the disappointed fans?
King Dut: Well, it sucks real bad that they aren’t gonna get to see the show, but what can I tell you? Even if we did continue touring it wouldn’t be the show they wanted. It’d be like going to a Van Halen show and seeing Eddie sober and his son playing bass. It would just suck.
Blender: Eddie is sober and his son does play bass.
King Dut: Get the fuck out of my house, I am going to my gram’s to think about this and drink orange soda.
Think about it he did, it was only a day later, Saturday December 12th that King Dut and Turbo called for a press conference, here is a short excerpt;
“Last night I drank like 15 shots of Vodka and stood outside yelling at Dolan for like four hours when it hit me, ‘What better SNYDER show than a show with the original SNYDER’. I called up Turbs and he agreed. We set to work right away and we convinced Bodie to come back and play with us again. It took some doin’ but we even got Groz to come back and play bass as long as we agreed to give him a half hour set to perform his anti-Mexican propaganda rap. While we can’t have Cimba return to the bed since he’s dead, or playing with his cat or quitting some job he had for a week we will have to find a replacement, but we are going to have a reunion show at Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin Eve.”
Yesterday the band met up at a secret compound in Poughkeepsie to begin rehearsals when by the hand of fate they found their replacement drummer. As it turned out the security guard for the rehearsal space was a small time rapper and percussionist named Andre Champaign, for obvious reasons the band has taken to calling “Black Cimba”.
“Every white person has a black person. I mean not in a slavery ownership way, I mean that for every white person, at least every good one there is a black counterpart with fuller lips and a bigger nose, we are extremely lucky to have found Little Boots’ black version”, Dut remarked to a Poughkeepsie Journal reporter while buying some roller grill dogs at an A Plus.
The band is more than ready to play the reunion gig and they are fired up and excited to do it. They are calling it “Droppin’ Balls with SNYDER!” and they promise to give the greatest performance of their career to date.
While there is no definite word yet as to whether this is just a one time gig or if SNYDER will continue to exist in this current form to go on tour and record new albums, for now at least they are making life on Earth worth living at least until 12:01 on New Year’s Day.
“This is without question still the most offensive band I have ever been in. I mean, ‘Black Cimba’? Really?” – Bodie.