At this point, all of you know the majesty of Salmon Claws. But who IS Salmon Claws? Is he a fish with useless tyrannosaurus rex hands? Or is he the Christmas Spirit, sent from the ocean to bring joy to all the fish people and the regular people? We’ll explain these scenarios in the following tale.
Some say the story starts in 1961 in West Virginia. Others say it starts in 1990 in Cresson. Still others believe Salmon Claws origin will never be fully explained. The legend goes as follows, to the best of my knowledge. Salmon Claws was born in an ocean and was quickly the smartest salmon in the whole litter of salmon. He ventured out on his own to study medicine and how to avoid bears when he suddenly had to use the bathroom at the EZ Shopper in Elton. After completion, the door handle would not open, and Salmon Claws spent over 3 hours writhing on the floor while Jesse Scott watched TV behind the counter, unaware. Jesse is a nice guy and would definitely help a fish if it was in pain, but he couldn’t hear the screams of Salmon Claws.
Because of this factm, Salmon Claws has allowed Jesse to stay alive, but this ended up in a court room where Jesse had to plead a case against Salmon Claws’ murder proposal. You can ask Jesse about all of this, he is on my Facebook page. This was where Salmon Claws went to the bad side. He was on his way to become a new member of Santa’s underwater delivery service where this all went down at the EZ Shopper. He crawled into the toilet with his useless T-Rex arms and swam into the septic tank. At least he was alive. But he was dead inside. Very dead. Salmon Claws was born.
Now every Christmas time he would swim through the pipes of houses and bite the assholes of little kids taking a shit. In severe cases, Salmon Claws has actually jumped into the asses of adults and swam around for hours making them sick and stealing all their Christmas presents. There is no joy or happiness in Salmon Claws thanks to Jesse Scott and the EZ Shopper. Salmon Claws has been killed dozens of times only to return in dream form, haunting the dreams of Christmas folk every time they try to sleep, and tearing them from reality into the salmon Christmas world. Salmon Claws has only 1 weakness and that is furry socks from overpriced internet vendors or Neiman Marcus. If you can catch Salmon Claws in a furry sock or a smelly jock strap, more often than not he will just leave you alone.
But if you shit on a toilet on Christmas eve, please make sure you have your balls in a harness or they will get bitten. The bites are not so much as painful as they are embarrassing. One guy even lost his wife over it, because she was convinced he had sex with their own fish, which she constituted as cheating. There is still a heavy debate amongst their friends as to whether or not this stance was valid, but mostly the close friends of both parties have stuck beside their respective friends. All we can do to avoid Salmon Claws is to know him and prepare for him.
I have compiled a short bio on him, and hopefully this info will keep you and your children safe.
NAME: Salmon Claws
HT: 6.5 inches
WT: 9.4 lbs
40 YARD DASH: Over an hour on land
CONE DRILL: 1.3 hours
SHUTTLE DRILL: 2 hours
VERTICAL: 46 inches
BENCH REPS: 31
MOSTLY COMPARED TO: Former Eagles great Freddie Mitchell
FAVORITE SPORT: Racquetball
FAVORITE MOVIE: Grumpier Old Men
FAVORITE SONGS: “Little Fighter” – White Lion, “Salmon Claws is Comin’ to Town” (Snyder cover of Bruce Springsteen version)
If you have any fish flavored or kelp flavored Christmas cookies, these can be used to keep Salmon Claws inside the toilet or inside the toilet of your dreams when you go to sleep or to take a shit. Keeping him distracted has also proven a powerful deterrent. Staying aware = staying alive.