: Welcome friends, it’s me, Conan O’Brien. Don’t worry about my beard, I’m sure it will be added in editing, but I’m here with an important Christmas story. Perhaps, the most important Christmas story you’ll ever hear. (The producers of Hey Stupid would like to take a moment to clarify, the real Conan O’Brien is in no way affiliated with this site or anyone involved with it. More than likely he has no idea this site even exists, we are just big, big fans and on top of that we figured if he were in this story maybe it would come up in some web searches). Here we are, one week away from Christmas, 2010 and America is in dark times.
: Unemployment was at an all time high, the country was involved in two wars and the outlook was bleak to say the least. The only thing people were looking forward to was Christmas. Whether people wanted to celebrate the birth of Jesus or the arrival of a magical fat man delivering presents, and no I don’t mean Andy Richter, the thought of family gatherings and togetherness brought a little warmth to an otherwise cold world, at least until…
: Ladies and Gentlemen, it is me your Dear Leader Glenn Beck broadcasting live from my secret fortress. As you know America is under attack, Christmas is under attack so I have to stay hidden. The mainstream media and the Progressives, as you know are trying to ruin the joy and the magic of Christmas and the spirit of America.
:Christmas is supposed to be about Jesus. Its supposed to be about rich people hanging decorations and putting up a tree and giving each other diamonds and celebrating the constitution. Its supposed to be about Goldline offering poor people pennies for gold, inspiring them to steal gold from their dying grand-mas so I can claim that the socialists are winning and then all that gold will be melted down to make gold plated toilet paper for me to wipe my ass with. Its supposed to be about eagles and the founding fathers!
:But that’s not the case anymore is it? No, all the “Progressives” and the “Democrats” or as I call them, “Satan’s Pube Stains” care about is Santa Claus and of course the free toys and free health care he brings with him. Well you know what? Santa is really an illegal immigrant who sneaks in across the border without papers from the North Pole to give away toys and socialism.
:Right now God-hating liberal secularists are building a secret army to enforce their plan to put you in a socialist reeducation camp. That’s where the road ends’people. With you in a camp, lobotomized and read to reelect Obama. Pot-smoking Santa worshipers don’t want you to know that their real plan is to turn Washington Monument into a giant bong. Do you know what Santa’s elves are? They are nothing but toy making alien human hybrids from Area 51 that take toy making jobs out of America and only vot Democratic and by the way, “Santa’s Elves” is just a fancy way of saying “Santa’s Slaves”.That’s right America, slavery.
:Tonight ladies and gentlemen I would like to announce that I have taken matters into my own hands! I traveled to the North Pole and I found that fat rat bastard and I shot him with a stun gun. Then I wrapped him up in American Made rope and I took his fat ass to an undisclosed location. The best part is America, in twenty four hours, live on national TV I am going to execute him for his crimes! The liberal media lapdogs don’t want you to know that Santa Claus is operating a secret shadow government whose real agenda is to force you to gay marry an illegal immigrant at Ground Zero. We are all under siege by Santaists who are preparing to invade your property as part of their plan to prevent you from worshipping Jesus which is exactly what the Nazis did to the Jews. I’M GOING TO STOP HIM!!!
:It looked as though Christmas was in REAL trouble. What could be done? Who could save Santa Claus from the crazy grips of Glenn Beck? We’ll find out, right after this!
:Esteemed members of the cabinet, as you know, that unstoppable moron, ah, Glenn Beck has decided to step up his game. He’s decided to, as you know, kidnap Santa Claus. Something needs to be done. We must rescue Kris Kringle. So, do you have any suggestions?
:If I may sir, there is only one team that I think is capable of completing this mission. They have proven time and again that they are American heroes, that they are willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done and that they LOVE Christmas. We must bring in Mumm-Ra and Krang!
:That crazy man Glenn Beck has captured Santa Claus!!! We need you to rescue him. America needs you to rescue him. This country needs as much Christmas spirit as it can get. We need your help!
: Well well well Santa Claus, it looks as though your time is running out. In just four more hours I go on the air. I’ll talk about things like “the Crypto-Muslim sleeper agents in every part of the government who hate freedom and will break into your house at night and make you drink the blood of NASCAR fans while Soy milk sipping hippies are recreating Nazi Germany so that they can use their jack-boot FEMA thugs to douse you with gasoline and set you on fire just like the Commies tried to do to our Founding Fathers at Iwo Jima”. Once I have all of my followers…I mean viewers whipped into a frenzy I will bring you out on stage and cut off your head!
: Well Santa, I can be reasonable. You don’t really have to die. I tell you what, if you turn over your army of elfin slaves to me to make me toys and electronics and weapons, and you show me how to travel around the entire world in one night and teach me how to sneek in and out of people’s houses…I’ll let you live!
: No Santa, I want your powers…you see Santa my name isn’t really Glenn Beck. Glenn is just a character I created years ago to distract America. Originally he was designed to be a morning zoo radio personality, but when that didn’t get enough attention I started to come up with the craziest conspiracy theories I could and yell them as loud as I could. I knew Ultra-Neo-Conservatives where the most easily manipulated people in America so I made friends with Rush and got a show on Fox News. Santa, let me take off this disguise so you know who you’re dealing with…
: My name is Big Boss see? I am the greatest criminal mastermind in history. Yeah, see? You’re gonna give me your powers see? I’m gonna use em to be an even more sinister criminal see? And if you don’t I’m going to…or should I say, beloved conservative talk-show host Glenn Beck, is going to murder you on national television and ruin Christmas for everyone see?
: It was at that point that angry Super Mumm-Ra, fueled by the power of Christmas, went all kinds of ape shit and beat the living bejesus out of Glenn beck’s snake lady wife Thulsa Doom-Beck. After using the snake woman’s body as a whip and fighting their way out of the fortress Mumm-Ra and Krang got back in their car and took off down the road to Beck’s Lair with only moments to spare.
: Well folks here we are, Obama and his Kenyan overlords are seeking to create a One World Government, run by Santa Claus, that will operate secret abortion clinics that will only abort straight babies! Hollywood elites and their arugula eating disciples are trying to create a public panic about global warming so that we want longer winters with more oppertunities for Santanazi to slide down your chimney and steal your organs to give to all the illegal immigrants on Obabacare!
: I don’t know about you, but I for one am not going to take it any more. I am not going to stand for the lies! All you need to do is connect the dots to understand that Santa, ACORN and Obama’sCzars are using the same tactics the Nazis did to change U.S. curency by putting Al Gore, Keith Olberman and Ellen Degeneress on the $1, $5 and $14 bills. Add those numbers and what do you get? 20! 20 which is the same day of the month that Hitler was born!!! The real inconvenient truth liberals don’t want you to know is that they should make you fear for your country because they’re seeking a ban on private property to turn it over to the collective. They don’t want “we the people” anymore. They want it to be “we the slaves of Santanazi and Obama! Its time to make the fat man pay!!!
: What he means is Tyrannical tree huggers are molesting our Constitution with intent to strip of us of our God given right to hate all non-white people!Well buckle up your seatbelt, America and prepare for a crash landing because the liberals piloting the plane are conspiring with Santa to build a secret moon bunker where gay marriage will lead to the cloning of stemcells that will be used to make FDR the king of the seas!!! That and I am really…
: Well kids, as you can imagine Karate Christ came in and just crucified Big Boss. He kicked his ass from here to next sunday and then proceeded to destroy his secret bunker before returning to heaven where he had lots and lots of crazy, Christy sex. That’s right I said Christy as an adjective for the type of sex our lord and savior was having. Anyhow, Mumm-Ra and Krang saved Santa and by extension Christmas. Everyone lived happily ever after and got their own shows on basic cable. I miss Max. The end.