After a concerted effort by childhood obesity awareness groups this week, McDonald’s has decided to phase out their mascot and spokesman, Ronald McDonald.
“People keep telling me, Ronnie it was a great run, everything comes to an end, time to ride off into retirement. I don’t think so, boys. This is a bunch of fuckin’ bullshit,” said a dejected Ronald at a press conference he held for himself today at the newly rebuilt Chicken Charlie’s Charlie’s Chicken in downtown Johnstown.
For decades, the hamburger loving clown hustled French fries and McRibs to satisfied patrons worldwide. McDonalds Corp wants nothing less than for this icon to put away his makeup and red wig and accept a meager buy out that will force the once happy figurehead to pay his own healthcare.
“You go to work every day in clown paint and a yellow jumpsuit and for what? Just so a bunch of screwhead executives can fuck you in the ass, without even the courtesy of a reach around. Is it too much to ask to get w little tug or jiggle my nuts for a minute?”
The enigmatic entertainer has also been under ridicule for what 97% of polled teenagers called “insanely homosexual behavior and attire”. Ronald responded, “Yeah, now who’s plastic likeness will kids sit beside on a bench and take stupid ass pictures? Fuck em. Fuckin sue em. You hear that? That sounds like the shithawks are circling overhead, about to start the shitstorm, swooping down and covering all the shitnoses in thick, stinky shitshit. Im comin, brother. I’m comin at you and I might take this thing all the way to the fuckin White House in 2012.”
The courageous clown may be done w McDonalds but is far from retired. In early 2012, he will release a rock album w guitar legend Vinnie Vincent, and will be the first time the public will see him without the paint.
He then plans to put the paint back on and rejoin former allies like Grimace and the Hamburglar to go on a worldwide tour singing all their old hits like the Big Mac song and God of Thunder, which will feature an armored Grimace spewing blood on the audience.
“People say change is good. They are right mostly. Mostly.”