Moments in Black History from the Future Written by a White Guy.

Hey kids, its black history month. We here at Hey Stupid are a small staff of three people and a few contributing writers and I will admit it, none of us are black. This wasn’t by design and I would love to have more culturally diverse input on the site but the truth is, we don’t pay anything, we have no money and in general we’re all lazy ass holes and very hard to work with.  What I am getting at is people, no matter what their race, aren’t exactly clamoring to work here.

That doesn’t mean we can’t help celebrate Black History Month and there’s only one way we know how to do it…SciFi style.

What's a Nubian?

Lots of people talk about how there is a lack of great
black characters in sci-fi but that’s horse shit. The problem isn’t
that there aren’t any great black sci-fi characters. Almost every
black sci-fi character is well-written and fantastic! The problem is,
there are far too many shitty white characters. Let’s take a look at
some of the bad ass space brothas and sistas out there.

There's some juicy colonists' daughters we have to rescue from their virginity!

Name:  Sergeant Al Apone
Occupation: Gunnery Sergeant-  USCM
Claim to Fame:  Apone was the second in command but true leader of the squad of space jar-heads going into the hive at  Hadley’s Hope.

Not only was Al the glue that held this team together, but he used a
flame-thrower to torch a little alien bastard after it popped out of
some unlucky colonist’s chest.

Sadly, Al was snatched up by the Aliens; but, this guy was such a hard
ass that the Aliens didn’t kill him…it took a mighty explosion to put
his ass down.

I do not expect you to understand. You are a Romulan.

Name:  Worf, son of Mogh
Occupation: Lieutenant Commander- Starfleet United Federation of Planets/ Ambassador to the Klingon Empire.
Claim to Fame:  Being the first Klingon people got to see that wasn’t a dick.

When the average Trek watcher sat down and tuned in to Star Trek:TNG
and saw a filthy Klingon in the crew, no one knew what to think. These
guys were assholes! Major assholes!

But thanks to the actions and resolve of Worf, we all learned to love
one another and give the ridge heads a chance. Countless times Worf put
himself in great personal danger for captain and crew and has worked
tirelessly to improve the relations between the Klingons and the rest
of the galaxy…who still think those guys are dicks.

They don't make very good eating, your excellency.

Name:  Ker
Occupation: Deputy Commander of the Psychlo Earth Outpost
Claim to Fame: Joining the humans in their fight against the tyranny of John Travolta…I mean Terl.

Sure, this guy was kind of an ass through most of the film, but that’s
only because his boss was such a ball buster. In the end, Ker sided with
right over might and helped the humans bring down their oppressors and
end this terrible, awful movie.

Commence station log.

Name:  Benjamin Sisko
Occupation: Commander- Starfleet United Federation of Planets
Claim to Fame: Running Deep Space 9, Being black Jesus.

I am not going to go into all the detail and back story of Ben Sisko
because DS9 was a pretty decent show and you should watch it on your
own. But here is what you need to know: Sisko took a job he didn’t want,
in what was essentially a space ghetto because he was a single dad and
wanted to provide for his son. He traveled through a worm hole where he
finds out he’s basically Jesus to a bunch of aliens in their canon of
religious beliefs. He then leads the space ghetto to become the central
hub of trade and knowledge in the United Federation of Planets.

Now if that weren’t enough ol’ Sisko figures out he really is Black
Jesus and ends up defeating space Satan in a fist fight by sacrificing
himself in a sea of fire. Holy shit. Need more? Black Space Jesus’s
last words were essentially, “I’ll be back”.

This party's over.

Name: Mace Windu
Occupation: Jedi Master. Bad ass.
Claim to Fame: Basic, motherfucker! Do you speak it?

Mace Windu was the first character to ever speak in a Star Wars movie. Did you know that? According to Mr. Flannelbeard a.k.a. George Lucas, Mace Windu was originally created to narrate A New Hope, back when it was still called Star Wars and was supposed to be the voice telling the story. Over the course of re-drafting the scripts Mace was left out but when the opportunity arose to get him in Episode 1, he was there.

Mace was one of the last masters of the Jedi order before the Jedi were made “all but extinct” and was bad ass enough to actually be respected by Yoda. Mace carried a purple light-saber because he’s so bad, he could even fuck you up with purple!

Windu then goes on to kick the Emperor’s ass. Did you read that? Kick the Emperor’s ass. Mace Windu was bitch-slapping the bejesus out of the Sith lord until he was double-crossed and blasted out a window.

I'm just a nice guy at heart.

Name: Geordi La Forge
Occupation: Lieutenant Commander- Starfleet United Federation of Planets
Claim to Fame: Starship mechanic, kind of being the one really responsible for humans not being the backwoods hillbillies of space anymore.

When most people think of Geordi La Forge, admittedly, they probably think of that half a hub cap he wore over his eyes but he was so much more than that. Geordi started off as one of the “drivers” of the Enterprise, which is a job that can easily done by robots and children, but ended up getting promoted to being the HNIC of the engine room.

On top of that, when the crew went back in time to drink booze with the first man to break the warp barrier, rather than get to have fun and hang out, Geordi was the cat fixin the busted as ship that got the attention of the rest of the Galaxy  and got us welcomed into the UFoP.

Message, Captain!

Name: Nyota Uhura
Occupation: Communications Officer, Commander- Starfleet United Federation of Planets
Claim to Fame: First African American woman in space. Being the baddest baby in the at-mos-phere.

Some people think that Uhura was just a sexy sista strapped to a space phone taking calls for Kirk, but that’s not at all true. I mean all of those things are true, but she was much more than just that. Uhura, which literally means freedom, by the way, was a strong, intelligent, sexy female that kept the male dominated crew of the enterprise on their toes and was given loads of respect by her crew-mates for it. She was never treated as just a woman.

Now, lets talk about the cultural impact. This was a woman in an important role in the 60’s. This was a black woman, who wasn’t a house maid or a nanny, in an important role, on a TV show, in the 60’s. This was a woman, asked personally by Dr. Martin Luther King to stay on Star Trek because of the amazing role model she was creating.

 

Stop trying to hit me and hit me.

Name: Morpheus
Occupation: Captain- Nebuchadnezzar
Claim to Fame: Convincing Keanu Reeves he was a worthwhile individual.

Morpheus was a captain of a patrol ship and the leader of its crew in a post-apocalyptic world.  Lets face it, that would probably be bad enough, but not for Morpheus. No, he was the guy charged with finding and training the guy that would eventually save the world. So, by the transitive property of world saving, Morpheus saved the entire world.

You truly belong here with us among the clouds.

Name: Lando Calrissian
Occupation:  General/Space Hustler
Claim to Fame: Bad ass gambler, king of a floating city, General, crusher of Imperial dreams.

Lando started off as a gambler who flew around in the Millennium Falcon, which lets admit it is the most bad ass, non-star destroyer ship in all those movies. Then he gets board with it and gives it to his buddy Han, and basically saves Han’s life from sucking forever because of it.  Rather than get a new ship and cruise around in that, Lando decides to go to a gas mining city and be the king/mayor/head pimp.

When he gets board with that gig, he double-crosses Darth Vader, for fun, just because he can, infiltrates Jaba’s palace to help assassinate that space slug, becomes a General in the rebellion against the Empire, and then, just for shits and giggles, teams up with vagina face critter…TO BLOW UP THE GOD DAMNED DEATH STAR!!!

Happy Black History Month!

 

 

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