America loves a winner, and America surely loves a good underdog story. Crispy was born in a litter of snakes somewhere in the depths of Gittlers pet store down by Franks Hen House. His whole life was plagued by respiratory problems, and other snakes felt sorry for him and wished someone would adopt him. Then one day fortune struck Crispy and a small Italian man in a Cinderella shirt showed up w some sort of sea hag and her mentally retarded sasquatch son. They all seemed like good people, and promised to take Crispy to the country to live on a snake farm and breathe the easy mountain air. Despite the fact that the family paid for Crispy w food stamps, everyone was optimistic.
Crispy bid farewell to his family and friends at Gittlers and was placed in a two-liter Pepsi bottle w the top cut off, for the ride home. The journey was wonderous, and Crispy was so happy to get out into the country and breathe easier. He was then placed in his own glass case, which was something he had always dreamed of. But pretty soon things changed. Now there were 19 snakes living in the case, and the smell if the house was starting to make him feel worse than ever. Suddenly, Crispy could smell burning nicotine and could see his owner asleep w a cigarette in his hand. Even with his tiny snake brain, Crispy was having trouble understanding how a person who doesnt smoke cigarettes was able to burn down his own goddamn house w a cigarette.
Crispy tried to get away but the other snakes were too heavy to move and he himself was too weak from his ailments to save himself. He could smell delicious snake bacon all around him and it made him go into an almost euphoric shock. Snake bacon grease was pouring down his throat and he wished he had a mouse to dip in it. “Cmon, Crispy! Lets get out of here!” Jake the Snake Roberts reached in through the window and pulled Crispy from the mess of snake bacon and charred bodies. Jake Roberts and Crispy escaped the house fire and fled on a Razor scooter until they were both safe at Aggies house down the street. In the upstairs of Aggies, Jake Roberts trained hard and nursed Crispy back to health. “Im gonna train hard and nurse you back to health,” he would say. “Ill get him for good, Crispy… at HNiD Starrcade VI!” Jake would write MIDI music that sounded exactly like Little Mac’s training montages in Mike Tysons Punch Out and carry Crispy over his shoulders. Then once, Jake ran all the way to Liberty Park City Hall and held Crispy over his head in slow motion like Rocky on the library steps.
The day finally came and Jake would take on Crispy’s owner to avenge the snake holocaust caused by a cigarette that he doesn’t even smoke. Crispy was at this point a shell of a snake, never really recovering from the smoke inhalation. Crispy would crawl around ringside w an oxygen tank attached to his back and a breathing tube in his nose. But the tank weighed 6 times more than his body weight, so by “crawled around ringside” i really mean “rolled around on the tank and prayed for a quick death”. Jake would win a 60 minute iron man blindfold match by DDTing Crispy’s original owner and getting the pinfall. The press swarmed the ring but all Jake could think about was his dear friend Crispy. “CRISPY! CRISPY! I LOVE YOU, MAN!” They were reunited and ppl cried and i guess Jake took him home as a pet after that.