WILLY THE POOR
Deep in the hundred-acre trailer park,
where Jackinoff Rubbin plays,
you will find the enchanted neighborhood
of Jackinoff’s childhood days.
A donkey named Ass is his friend,
and Lionn and little Rat.
There’s Bunny and Swine and there’s Hooter.
but most of all Willy the Poor.
Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
silent little cubby wants to be your friend
He’s Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
Willy nilly silly ole bear.
…Willy nilly silly ole bear
In the Hundred Acre Trailer Park, Ass, Bunny, Lionn and Willy are working on a plan to extract crack from cocaine. The plan involves getting a bunch of cocaine from Nicaragua. Swine comes up to them during the attempt and says that he knows how to build an airplane out of old garbage, but is effectively told that he is too insane to help. The plan goes awry when the drug mules the group hired are detained by customs officials, but Swine manages to draw up a plan proving his flying ol-dirty-garbage theory`.
However, no one pays any attention to the plan because they all remember when that crazy bastard made them drive to Indiana to become MMA fighters and it turned out to be just a load of horse shit. Swine sadly wanders away onto the “nature trail” behind the high school. While on the nature trail he runs into his ol’ friend Crispy, the Anaconda that couldn’t breathe.
Swine feels better when he finds a flyer for a drag queen dance off down at the Gentlemen’s Lounge. He then runs back, leaving his ratty old pretend Marines hat hanging piece of wood. Eventually, Ass, Willy, Bunny, and Lionn notice that Swine is missing, as they have to run into his house when the god damn cops show up to investigate reports of a make-shift meth lab in Bunny’s basement.. When Swine is not there, they assume that he has gotten himself engaged to another crazy-ass fat girl, and decide to find him. The search party finds a collection of old Carl’s Jr. napkins that Swine has drawn visions from his nightmares on and they became so terrified that they lock themselves in Willy’s tree.
Rat wakes up late and looks around for his friends but he can’t find any of them so he decides to head down to the bowling alley for a “couplladrinks”. While there he meets Iyevecky, an eagle from Poland and Rat starts screaming to the heavens that the Polish Nazi’s are coming to invade the Hundred Acre Trailer Park. Jackinoff Rubbin shows up and does six shots of Vodka and helps calm Rat down by talkin about old times.
One of the stories told is how Swine knocked up Rat’s sister when they moved to the 100 Acre Wood, and a second story is the time Swine told the guys that sexy aliens landed in the woods and had sexy sex with him, when they all went to check it out Swine ran back to Rat’s house and took a big shit on his porch.
A third story told is about the house across from Jackinoff Rubbins’ place. Here Swine comes up with the idea to build Ass a house and he and Willy are joined by Lionn to build it. Lionn and Willy do most of the work, whilst Swine, unintentionally, gets in the way. The final house, however, is a disaster and is filled with snakes, and rats and fuckin big-ass spiders that Swine calls pets, but Lionn and Willy go off to tell Ass about the house. Unfortunately, the house is being watched by Swine, who eventually falls asleep on the couch with a lit cigarette in his mouth even though he has never smoked a day in his life and that mother fuckin house burns to the god damned ground. Willy then suggests that Ass could live with him, and he and Lionn go to inform Ass of the news. Ass reveals that the pile of sticks Lionn, Swine and Willy took to build Ass a house was Ass’s house, but Swine arrives to tell them all that the house fuckin burned down and only some Air Supply tapes were left. Eventually some dude bought the property off of Swine for like, six pinecones and an acorn or some shit, but the location remains as Willy Corner, since Willy “would call it ‘Willy and Swine Corner’, if ‘Willy Corner’ didn’t sound better, which it does, being smaller and more like a corner”.
Rat and Jackinoff Robbin are joined by Hooter and the three get retardedly drunk. Rat screams out that everything terrible that has ever happened in his life is Swine’s fault and decides to go whoop that little piggy’s ass.
Back in Willy’s tree, an argument between Bunny and Lionn ends with the Bunny falling out of the tree and then falling into the river. Without the scary-ass horror-murder-rape-death-demon napkins to scare the shit out of them, the friends return to Swine’s house and, after a time, start to go through Swine’s porno collection. The pictures are all of fully erect transvestites having sex with just about anything and everyone gets real scared again when they watch some of Swine’s videos which can only be described as “shit-covered” and “bloody”. Then, the friends again resolve to find their missing Swine and go back out to find him.
Trubigger, Bunny and Willy meet up with Rat, Hooter and Jackinoff Rubbin and the six search for Swine together. They eventually find Swine’s pretend Marine hat and know they’re on the right path. They soon pop out of the woods and find, to their…let’s call it dismay, Swine’s Cinderella shirt town up in the bushes near the creek. Rat, Jackinoff and Hooter decide to jump in after him but since they are all monumentally hammered they get swept down the river. Lionn, Bunny and Willy run after them but Lionn falls and breaks his tail.
They eventually pull those ass holes out of the drink but its late and dark and no one knows where they are. Rat and Jackinoff find some old tarps and newspaper and shit, not shit as in other stuff, shit as in actual, real, stinky shit and built a little house. The six dicks are all cuddled up in the shit-garbage house when they here a rusttlin in the bushes. Jackinoff Rubbin starts tellin everyone its probably Space Bigfoot comin’ to rape them all. Lionn grabs some sticks and starts sharpening points on them for self defense.
Lionn takes his stick and goes out to find the rape-minded space bigfoots and give them what for but he walks right past Swine and Crispy. When Swine gets to the garbage fort he calls out and says who he is and the other animals welcome him into the shelter. After finishing his patrol Lionn returns to the shanty but when he gets there he startles Willy the Poor who turns around and impales him through the guts. Still alive, but very badly injured they drag Lionn inside and poUr a bottle of 151 down his furry little throat.
With Lionn passed out the rest of the group huddles around a fire in the middle of the shit tent and talk about the future. Jackinoff Rubbin and Bunny convince the rest of the group that they will never find their way back to the Hundred Acre Trailer Park and that they will have to form a new society. Hooter mentions that he’s hungry and both Rat and Swine agree.
Swine suggests to Willy the Poor that he should euthanize Lionn because he’s “broken and useless” and then cut him up and eat him. Bunny chimes in that “Lionn meat is the juiciest meat”. Willy is apprehensive at first but since he has no other friends and really wants people to like him, he agrees and straight up murders the passed out drunk Lionn with a stick through the neck.
Bunny and Hooter take to skinning and butchering their former friend while Jackinoff and Rat build a spit over the fire. Willy is crying his little bear eyes out in the corner and Swine slipped out to rub one out til the food was ready, the food, of course, being Lionn.
After they guys eat every last edible bite of their former friend they all sleep like babies. Bright and early the next morning they hear more noises outside and when Rat pokes his head out he sees Ass being sad and snorting on his neti-pot.
“Hey Ass, what’s the matter”, Rat asked. “You guys left me alone, I hate being alone. What are you guys doing over here anyway?” Rat explained how the guys got lost deep in the woods and had no idea how to get home and they were starting a new society. Rat was about to tell him about how they killed Lionn but then Ass mentioned that they were literally 5 feet behind his house and not at all lost in the woods.
When they all get back to the Hundred Acre Trailer Park Ass invites them all in for tea and to thank him the guys decide to once again gang-rape the ever-lovin’ bejesus out of him. Dicks flop into every crevasse on his weird, twisted donkey body. Ass gets his mouth free from the cock-storm for two seconds and shouts out “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!” and begins weeping. Blood and dude juice and shit and tears are flowing out of every hole on Ass’s body when there is a knock at the door.
The cops are there and they are asking around about a pile of Lionn bones in a shit covered tent out back. Swine and Jackinoff Rubbin instantly blame Willy the Bare claiming that he went nuts, murdered and ate Lionn because he wouldn’t give him “the honey pot” then brought everyone back to Ass’s and made them rape the shit out of him.
The cops believe Swine because he convinces them he is an ex-marine and war hero and they haul Willy the Poor off to jail.