Deep in the hundred-acre trailer park,
where Jackinoff Rubbin plays,
you will find the enchanted neighborhood
of Jackinoff’s childhood days.

A donkey named Ass is his friend,
and Lionn and little Rat.
There’s Bunny and Swine and there’s Hooter.
but most of all Willy the Poor.

Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
silent little cubby wants to be your friend
He’s Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
Willy nilly silly ole bear.

…Willy nilly silly ole bear

WILLY : My name is Willy the Poor. This is The Hundred Acre Trailer Park, my neighborhood. This is Willy  Corner, my street. This is my life. I’m 30 years old. In less than a day, I’ll be dead. Of course, I don’t know that yet, and in a way, I’m dead already. Look at me, jerking off in the shower. This will be the high point of my day. It’s all downhill from here. That’s my friend, Dutstopher. See the way he pounds down bottles of vodka until he passes out bitching about college football depth charts? That’s not an accident. That’s my next door neighbor, Ass, and that’s my other neighbor, Rat. My buddy, Hooter. Another heavy drinker. Hooter’s a pretty typical drunk.. Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell him that’s all going to pass, but I don’t want to lie to him. Everyone who knows me or has ever heard of me thinks I’m this gigantic loser. And they’re right. I have lost something. I’m not exactly sure what, but I know I didn’t always feel this sedated. But you know what? It’s never too late to get it back.

My day started the same as any other, I woke up, ate 6 bowls of honey and then looked at pictures of people that I hoped would wanna be my friend someday in my old high school year book. Did you know you can find a lot of high school year book photos on Google?

I took a shower, read some from my 9th grade history books, brushed off my Velcro shoes and I…

Hey! Wait! Where are you going? What’s that, you were only interested in the story because I’m dead?

Fine, fine. Look I will tell you about my death just be my friend ok? Just listen. No one ever listens. Like that time my mom and dad…

Alright, stop. Come back. Fine, where is what you want.

It was two minutes to midnight and the lights from the police cars were filling the Hundred Acre Trailer Park. I was dead and the cops were hauling everyone out. Ass, Jackinoff Rubbin, Hooter, Swine, Rat, Bunny and Trubigger all cuffed and stuffed and dragged down to the police station for questioning.

SLUMPKEY: Bunny, my name is office Slumpkey, special investigator, Hundred Acre PD, as of yet, no one stands accused for murdering Willy the Poor but considering the horrifying nature of that hellscape of a crime scene and the substantial injuries to Mr. Bear that indicate a lifetime of abuse, we have to question everyone. What can you tell us about today?

JAGABIT: Well, I guess I was probably the first person to see Willy the Poor. I was getting dressed to go to my gay communist pride rally when I saw Willy .  It was about 8:30 in the morning and he came bouncing out of the ratty old dead tree he lived in behind his parent’s trailer and took a shit. If anyone ever asks you if a bear shits in the woods, the answer is always yes. In the woods, on the street, in a church. Bears shit where ever the hell they want. Can I have a smoke? Thanks. Anyway, Willy  took his big bear shit and was slouchin around half-stupid the way he always does.

Rat was just getting back from Deyarmin’s Trailer Park Market when Willy  went running down the road to give him a hug or something. Who knows with that ass hole. Anyway, he bowled Grzroo clean over and sent his god damned groceries through the god damned air. Willy  offered to help Rat up but Rat was real pissed and kicked Willy the Poor square in his furry, yellow bear balls.

Willy  was layin there in the mud just cryin and screamin and sayin “Its ok, Rat, we’re still friends. Wanna come play with my G.I. Joes” but Rat didn’t want to play with any of Willy the Poor’s shitty, knock off GI Joes. Rat wanted revenge. He picked up a cube of Mt. Dew and just bashed that poor little bear bitch over the head, screamin about bingo and Yahtzee and who knows whatever the fuck. That’s when Jackinoff Rubbin came along and scared Rat off, telling him “Calm down…fuck off…go get a pizza and a beer and toss it up in Kangasusie a few times”. That was the last I saw of Willy the Poor today.

If you ask me it was that damn, son of a bitch Rat who came back and finished off Willy the Poor. Rat has been known to get sloppy drunk and slap the piss out of people for no reason at all. And let’s face it, Willy ’s fucking fucked up face makes you wanna punch the fuck out of him as it is, then you add Rat’s temper, some liquor and Willy the Poor fuckin up his groceries…you got a perfect storm. A perfect murder storm.

WILLY : But that wasn’t the end, hell, that was barely…”bear-ly”…get it? Ha ha. Man, that’s killer! Anyway…

SLUMPKEY: Hello Rat, are you comfortable? My name is Officer Slumpkey, this is officer Tubby. We’re special investigators with the Hundred Acre PD.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

SLUMPKEY: There’s no need for that kind of language, Tubby! Anyway Rat, we heard you had a little altercation with Willy the Poor this morning and we would just like you to tell us about it.

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: Well, it was probably about 9:00 in the morning. I was just getting back from Deyarmin’s Trailer Park Market when I could hear that dim-witted old bear bouncing around like an idiot. Don’t get me wrong, I like Willy the Poor, he’s a nice enough kid, but holy shit he’s stupid. Not “Mexican-stupid” but still pretty fuckin stupid. So I was walking back into the park, it was around 9:00 or 9:30.

SLUMPKEY: Try and remember, was it 9:00 or 9:30?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: Well I wasn’t able to buy the new issue of Club because Old Man Deyarmin won’t sell skin books before 9:00 AM, so it had to be right around nine. Did you ever read club? They get those tiny ginneys open so wide you could fall in if you didn’t have a board strapped to your ass.  Anyhow, anyhow, I was comin back from Deyarmin’s Trailer Park Market and I planned on takin my groceries home, droppin em off and then goin over to Jackinoff Rubbins’ house to get drunk and play RBI.


TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: It’s a Nintendo game. So I hear that stupid fuckin bear and I try to avoid him. I decided to walk over by Bunny’s house instead of going directly to my place but god damn it if that dumb ass bear plowed right into me and knocked my groceries all asunder. Ham went flying, pork n’ beans went flying, my god damned Brylcreem went flying.

I stood up, dusted myself off and gathered up my groceries.

SLUMPKEY: Then what?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: Then I clocked that asshole with a cube of Mountain Dew right up on his dome piece.

SLUMPKEY: Why did you do that?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: Because he spilled my fuckin groceries. And besides, have you seen that kids face? It’s like someone dumped a bucket of ugly on him them smacked him in the mug with the Jesus Fuckin’ bucket. His face just makes me want to punch the shit out of him. Anyway, I clonked him in the melon with the extreme green, got out my frustration and was helping him up when Jackinoff Rubbin came by and invited us over to his house to play Nintendo.

SLUMPKEY: You and Dutstopher didn’t have any sort of verbal exchange where he told you to “Calm the fuck down” or “Go get a pizza and a beer and toss it up in Kangasusie a few times”?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: No, not at all. Me, Dutstopher and Willy  all went to Dutstopher’s crib to play Nintendo. Willy  was a little woozie, but still very much alive at that point.

SLUMPKEY: Can you tell us about what happened while at Jackinoff Rubbins’ house?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: Sure, we showed up at Dutty’s and he already had the game set up. He had it paused to come out and find me but he had it on and all the teams created and he had two cold ones cracked open and sitting on the table.

SLUMPKEY: Just two beers, but there were three of you.

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: Yeah, well, Dutstopher never planned on Willy  being there, he just tagged along. Besides, we always made him sit on the floor and never gave him any beer. I remember this one time we made him eat pizza scraps out of a dog bowl. What an ass hole. Dutstopher didn’t even have a dog, the bowl was a dirty old hubcap we found down near the old pool. Anyway, we were sitting on Dutstopher’s couch playing RBI when the game froze up.

Dutstopher slammed his controller to the ground and started cursing and swearing then he told Willy  to go take out the Nintendo tape, blow on it and put it back in. Willy  corrected him and said “There’s no tape. It’s a cartridge. You can call it a cartridge or a Nintendo game, but it isn’t a tap. I don’t understand why people do that”. Well ol’ Dutstopher flipped out. He flew off the couch, jumped over the fuckin coffee table and snatched up Willy  by the collar and drug him outside.

Willy  was begging Dutstopher to let him stay and play but Dut grabbed his arm and Irish whipped him into a fuckin metal pole. God damned Willy ’s head hit that pole so hard he bent the shit out of it and then passed out on the ground. Dutstopher went back inside and slammed the door behind him and I went home to get a pizza and a beer and toss it up in Kangasusie a few times.

WILLY : That big metal stick really did knock my fuckin head sideways but I woke up a few hours later and started walking over to my buddy Bunny’s house.

SLUMPKEY: Hello Lionn, are you comfortable? My name is Officer Slumpkey, this is officer Tubby. We’re special investigators with the Hundred Acre PD.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

SLUMPKEY: Do you know anything about what happened to Willy the Poor?

LIONN: Ah buddy, not really. To tell you the truth, I thought he died earlier in the day and not at his house where you found him.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

SLUMPKEY: What do you mean?

LIONN: Well man, it was about 1:00 pm, I was bouncing my way home from the Hundred Acre Wood, you know the titty bar? Anyway they do a lunch buffet over there that is just amazing. I went over to get my grub on and let some banged up skanks with daddy issues grind on the ol “Eye of the Lionn”, you know, my furry Lionn dong. But after 1 pm, they pull the buffet and drinks go up $2 a piece so I got the hell out of there.

I was bouncing on down the road when I saw Willy the Poor stumbling down the other side of the road all woozy and shit. He saw me and kind of half smiled and started staggering toward me. I still couldn’t tell if there was actually anything wrong with him at that point because that idiot always stumbled around like someone just cracked him upside the head. I mean Jesus, have seen his face? His face just makes me want to punch the shit out of him.

As his big dumb furry ass was hoofing it across the road to talk to me about some stupid model aircraft carrier he was building, or about seeing his mom’s vagina when she got out of the shower or whatever the fuck, he got run down by a fuckin car.

SLUMPKEY: He got hit by a car? Did you see the driver?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

LIONN: Oh yeah I did. It was that fuckin drunken psycho Hooter. I mean, I love that guy to death but Jesus H. Fuck dude, he gets slam-hammered like a bastard. So Hooter runs his ass down and jumps out of the fuckin car. His drunk ass is screamin to high heavens about someone not payin’ for their share of hamburgers and beer after they said they would and what kind of bullshit is that, I really don’t know.

He saw me standin along the side of the road and started walkin toward me screamin about this asshole jumpin out in front of his car and denting his ride and how I have to help him hide the body in the 1889 park swamps. Just then Willy the Poor starts rolling around and groaning saying “Its ok. I’m ok Hooter buddy, sorry about your car”.

Dowlowl walks over to Willy  and starts stomping the shit out of him saying “You’re god damned right you’re sorry”. Willy  quit moving again and Hooter picked him up and tossed him in his trunk. Then, he downed a bottle of Kahlua and said he was going home to get a shovel and I should meet him at his place.

SLUMPKEY: He asked you to help him dump the body of a hit and run victim?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

LIONN: Well, technically he would have been a victim of murder one at that point since he survived the hit and run and then Dowlowl kicked the shit out of him. Besides, I didn’t have anything to do and it wasn’t like it was the first time I had to help dispose of a problem.

Well, I walked on over to Hooter’s house. He lives a little out of the way so I would say it was probably about 1:45 at that point. I get up on the porch and bang on the door. I could hear his god damned dog barkin its head off in there but no sign of Hooter. I let myself in, petted his dog and snuck past his mom who fell asleep in her chair watchin Ally McBeal on vhs. I got into the front room and Hooter was fast asleep on the fuckin couch. I tried wakin’ that asshole up like six times but he just snoozed away.

I didn’t want to waste the trip so I went upstairs, jerked it in his bathroom, shot my Lionn man-cake batter in his shitter and left. When I walked outside I saw that he crashed his car into the tree in the back yard and the trunk was open. I walked over to see if Willy ’s corpse was still in there but that slippery little fuck apparently wasn’t dead.

There was a trail of bloody footsteps leading back to the park so I decided to follow them. Turns out Willy  went over to Bunny’s place.

WILLY : I was sure fucked up, that’s for sure but I know none of my good friends tried to hurt me on purpose. We’re all good buddies and they love me.

SLUMPKEY: Welcome back Bunny, we’ve been talking to some of the other residents and it sounds like you have some explaining to do.

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

SLUMPKEY: You told us the last time you saw Willy the Poor was around 9:00 am but according to multiple witness statements, he returned to your house around 2:15 pm. Is that correct?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

BUNNY: No! I mean…yeah, it is…but I didn’t kill him.

SLUMPKEY: Why don’t you give us all the details.

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

BUNNY: Alright fine. It was about 2:00 and I was just getting home from my gay communist fuck-fest parade and I NEEDED to take a bath because my fur was just so sticky and crusty and…well you know how those things are. Anyway, about 15 minutes later I was coming out of the bathroom when I heard a knock at my door. I went over and opened it to find Willy the Poor beat to hell and bloody as shit.

I brought him inside, cleaned him up, got him something to drink and then helped him to bed. I went back to my room, dried off, brushed my hair and then drank a soda. I got pretty bored and since I am unbelievably gay and Willy  was there and just passed out…obviously I decided to just rape the shit out of him.

I seriously raped that dude like 14 times and he never even woke up. Finally it was about 6:30 in the evening and I was about to give that dick head another plowing up the choco-love tunnel when he started waking up.  Willy  was a little startled and asked what I was doing. I said “I’m about to play ASStronaut and I’m gonna crash my cocket into Uranus to explore the deep, dark, moist smelly cave”.

I went to force myself on him but to my surprise he actually fought back and in the scuffle our dicks got all tied together in a cocknot. That’s just like a square knot except with dicks. Well Willy  was tryin to break free and just stretching the shit out of my unit so I grabbed an alley biscuit and…

SLUMPKEY: Alley biscuit?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

BUNNY: You know, a cinder block. Anyway I grabbed that alley biscuit and smacked him right in his stupid face. Have you seen his face?

SLUMPKEY: I know, his face just makes you want to punch the shit out of him.

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

BUNNY: Exactly. Anyway, I had to get my dick free from his and I couldn’t untie that ass-bastard cocknot, so I grabbed a straight razor and sliced his dick off in order to free my own. Then I bandaged him up and tossed him out the back door. A few minutes later I carried him over to Lionn’s place because he is real good at making “situations” go away.

Lionn verified he was still alive and tried using some smelling salts to get him to wake up, but that didn’t work. So being the quick thinker he is, Lionn put him in a dress, dolled him up like a hooker and drove him to an alley and tossed him in a dumpster. That truly was the last I saw of him.

WILLY : I know it sounds like things are pretty bad for me right now but I’m totally ok at this point in the story. I was just a little tired from all the head smashing and being raped about a dozen and a half times. So, I decided to lay on the stinky ass garbage and take a nap.

SLUMPKEY: Hello Hooter, are you comfortable? My name is Officer Slumpkey, this is officer Tubby. We’re special investigators with the Hundred Acre PD.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

HOOTER: Willy the Poor? Fuckin sue ‘em. That asshole owes me like $35 bucks.

SLUMPKEY: Hooter, we understand that earlier today you hit Willy the Poor with your car, then assaulted him, then attempted to bury the body, is that correct?

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

HOOTER: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Look, I woke up at about 7:45 and went down to the legion for a couple of drinks. I was sneaking in the back door cause I haven’t renewed my membership and I heard this weird groaning in the dumpster. I sure as shit thought it was a dumpster baby from some crazy-ass botched back alley abortion but it wasn’t. It was that ass-fuck Willy the Poor all dolled up in drag asleep in the dumpster. I was about to go over and help him get out of the dumpster. I figured if I helped him out I could force him to buy me a few beers.  Before I got over there though that crazy Swine fucker came struttin around the corner whistling a Great White song.

Swine pulled him out of the dumpster and dusted him off and started rubbing his arm and giggling. I decided to follow them around for a little bit. After about 10 minutes Swine got down on one knee and fuckin proposed to him. I don’t even think that crazy bastard knew it was Willy the Poor. Well obviously Willy  turned him down which caused Swine to flip his fuckin wig.

Swine grabbed a god damned board and just started beating the shit out of Willy  and then…

WILLY : And that’s when my good buddy Hooter just passed out in the police station.

SLUMPKEY: Hello Swine, are you comfortable? My name is Officer Slumpkey, this is officer Tubby. We’re special investigators with the Hundred Acre PD.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

SWINE: What do you guys want? I didn’t do nothing! I was in the god-fuckin-forsaken MARINES!!!

SLUMPKEY: No, no you weren’t you didn’t even score a 30 on your ASVAB, so there is no way you were in the Marines. Anyway, we are trying to figure out what exactly happened to Willy the Poor. So far we understand he’s been hit in the head at least 8 times, run over by a car, raped about 18 times, left for dead in an alley and the proposed to by you.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch

SWINE: I know he had a dick, but his face was real pretty.

SLUMPKEY: Actually he didn’t have a dick at that point, Bunny cut it off, but that’s…well that’s not important. Just tell us what happened after you cracked him in the head with a board.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

SWINE: Well, I left and went back to the well of souls where I live with a demoness and her sixty-six tourettes babies. I got real bored so I made a crystal ball out of an old clear light bulb and used my mystic alien devil powers to spy on that sexy ass Willy the Poor.

Well, I saw that damned bear walking back over to the Lionndome. I guess to maybe have a couple of drinks and jerk off in the basement to real bad Japanese horror porn since that’s all anyone does there.  Then what I saw actually made me feel bad for the little guy.

SLUMPKEY: Well what was it, what happened? That you saw…in your home made crystal…you know what? Get the fuck out of here.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

WILLY : I like Swine a whole, whole bunch, he’s a real good guy and a good friend but no one should have thought he was reliable.

SLUMPKEY: Hello again Lionn, are you comfortable? I’m still Officer Slumpkey, this is still officer Tubby. We’re still special investigators with the Hundred Acre PD.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

LIONN: What do you jerk faces want now?

SLUMPKEY: Well as far as we can tell at least up until 11:45 PM Willy the Poor was still alive and just arrived at your place.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

LIONN: Oh sure, sure. Yeah I was home. I was practicing my fuckin kar-a-tay, dude.

SLUMPKEY: You mean karate? You’re just saying “karate” like an asshole right?

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

LIONN: No, its “kar-a-tay”! Anyway I was practicing some sweet kicks and pounding a whole bunch of tequila and smoking some fuckin Jazz outta my hookah when ol Willy  T. Bear shows up. He’s all bloody as shit and wearin this torn up latex dress and starts tellin me about his day.

Well I wanted to listen to the story but I sure as shit didn’t want to stop kar-a-tayin, so I had him hold up some pads for me to kick.  Turns out I was a lot drunker than I thought. I kicked his ass out my window and he fell three stories. He’d have probably died right there but that depressing mahafahka Ass was walkin under my window and Willy  landed right on him.

WILLY : I sure do like Ass, everyone else says he’s real depressing and that he hates fun but I like him a lot.

SLUMPKEY: Hello Ass, are you comfortable? My name is Officer Slumpkey, this is officer Tubby. We’re special investigators with the Hundred Acre PD.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

ASS: Oh bother. I don’t like this.

SLUMPKEY: Do you know anything about what happened to Willy the Poor?

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

ASS: Not really. I don’t really like Willy . I don’t really like anything. Except the sweet embrace of sadness…which I also don’t really like.

WILLY : The cops didn’t bother to ask Ass any more questions. Instead they just decided to once again gang-rape the ever-lovin’ bejesus out of him. Dicks flop into every crevasse on his weird, twisted donkey body. Ass gets his mouth free from the cock-storm for two seconds and shouts out “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!” and begins weeping. Blood and dude juice and shit and tears are flowing out of every hole on Ass’s body.

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all, it stretches forever, like an ocean of time….for me, it was hanging from the rafter beam in my parent’s trailer by a rope while jerking off to pictures of girls I went to high school. Or my grandmother’s hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper when she jerked me off while I was hanging from that beam…and the first time I saw my mom’s vagina. I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me…but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst…and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry its auto-erotic asphyxiation and that’s how I died. Just like that guy from kung-fu. I died hanging by neck from the rafter’s in my parent’s trailer.


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