WILLY THE POOR IN: CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Deep in the hundred-acre trailer park,

where Jackinoff Rubbin plays,
you will find the enchanted neighborhood
of Jackinoffr’s childhood days.

A donkey named Ass is his friend,
and Lionn and little Rat.
There’s Bunny and Swine and there’s Hooter.
but most of all Willy The Poor.

Willy The Poor, Willy The Poor,
silent little cubby wants to be your friend
He’s Willy The Poor, Willy The Poor,
Willy nilly silly ole bear.

…Willy nilly silly ole bear

Willy is in the Hundred Acre Trailer Park doing his morning stoutness exercises; not to get in shape, but to hopefully have people notice him, ask him what he’s doing and give him a chance to make a new friend…which he won’t. During his exercise he accidently slips on a roller skate, slides backwards toward his bed and impales his ass on the bed post.In Billy’s case his “bed post” is a rusty, old, cock-suckin, jagged, tetanus pipe that someone tossed down over the hill and he “reclaimed”.  After he stops the bleeding, he visits his pantry, finds that his jar of “honey” (trailer park slang for heroine) is empty and starts wondering where he can get more. He hears a Bearbingus stumbling around outside, and decides to try to get honey from Bearbingus’s tool shed over in the flats. He climbs a tree to try and go in from the roof and reaches as high as he can, but the branch he is standing on breaks, and he falls into a god damn pile of stinky old shit.
Not one to give up, Willy decides to go to Jackinoff Rubbin’s house, where Jackinoff Rubbin, Ass, Hooter, Bunny, Rat and Lionn are sitting around bullshitting. Jackinoff has invented a new drink he calls “Iced Ice” which is essentially just PCP and Koolaid which the whole gang (except for Ass because he fucking hates fun) are all drinking.
Jackinoff, who is now as high as a god damn, dirty old kite starts going on and on about George Noory, Monstanto, slimey, Lizardman cockfuckers and world government conspiracies.  Since the rest of the group is just as fucked off on the Iced Ice as he is, they all agree. Jackinoff then takes off his pants and belts them to his head to muffle his brainwaves so they can’t be intercepted by the government and goes off on a tangent about teaching himself Krav Maga while masturbating behind Billy’s Mom’s trailer. When Rat finally asks why he’s teaching himself Krav Maga Jackinoff says “Sexaliens from the planet Rapetorr”.
Jackinoff tells the gang that the Sexaliens are living amongst them in the trailer park, just waiting to violate their sweet virgin butt holes. Poor Swine is real scared and nervous because his sweet butt hole is not a virgin and he doesn’t want anyone to find out his dark secret.
Finally Willy speaks up and asks Jackinoff if he has and “honey” because his fur is getting real itchy and he really needs a fix, man. Jackinoff tells him that he has some balloons but that none of them have any heroine in them. Jackinoff then suggests that Willy break into a Bearbingus ‘s crack shanty and still some drugs.  Willy starts weeping like a bitch and explains that he already tried but fell out of that big bastard tree.
The other guys leave and Jackinoff and Willy hatch a plan to rip off a Bearbingus. Willy gets a blue balloon from Jackinoff Rubbin to try to get the heroine from the crack shanty. He rolls himself in a black mud puddle to disguise himself as a little black kid, and then uses the balloon to float up next to the top of the shanty. When poor old Willy gets inside he finds that the shed is filled with nothing but stolen chainsaws. As he and Jackinoff are getting ready to dig out, the god damn cops show up. Apparently a Bearbinguswas so guilt ridden by his spree of chainsaw and weed eater thefts that he walked into the police station and turned himself in. Straight up Kevin Spacey as John Doe in SE7EN style.
When Jackinoff and Willy don’t return from their adventure, the gang, still tripping their god damned balls off on Iced Ice gets real paranoid, thinking that they must have been abducted and ass fuckted by the Sexaliens. Lionn builds a cock cannon to fight off the Sexaliens, Rat becomes convinced that Mexicans are secretly Sexaliens in disguise and vows to send them all back to their dirt farms. Bunny and Hooter start the Office of Parkland Security and ride around in a Swinety old golf cart they found in the river. The cart has no motor so they make Swine push it everywhere for them.
Lionn works diligently on his cock cannon and when he goes to test fire it there is a major malfunction and rains down a storm of thundercocks. A huge depleted uranium cock to falls on Ass’s house. Lionn leads the others with a highly over complicated plan (seeing as how Ass’s house is nothing but a pile of sticks, and it would be much easier just to rebuild it) in trying to remove it with an elaborate pulley system (which collapses) and Lionn decides to knock the rock away with his Whoopty-Dooper-Loopty-Looper-Alley-Ooper rubber dick and getting everyone covered in mud and mad at him, particularly Bunny and Hooter, who are high as mahafakas on Iced Ice.
Rat decides to head down to the “ethnic” section of the park where he starts belittling anyone brown. He calls them things like Bean Burrito, Beaner, Berry Picker, Border Nigger, Border-Bunny, Chili Shitter, Ese, Gravelbellies, Hispandex, Nethead, Pepperbelly, Po-Bean, ScSwinech-Back, Roach Jockey, Spickaboo, Spic N Span, Spigger, Taco Bender, Wet-Back and most confusingly Sand-Nazi which makes absolutely no sense at all.
A couple of real big, nasty, mesh t-shirt wearin so their nipples show, Mexican cockroaches come running at Rat with a switchblade and alley biscuit. Just before he gets jumped Bunny and Hooter come screaming around the corner in their creekbed cart. Swine is real exhausted from pushing their fat asses around but they dump more Iced Ice down his throat and he is good to go again.
Bunny and Hooter threaten to “hate crime the shit” out of those bean suckin mother fuckers.  The cockroaches get distracted and start running at Bunny and Hooter. Hooter, picks up Swine and chucks that fucker at the cockroaches who proceed to beat the high holy hell out of him. Bunny and Hooter get back in the river cart and Rat pushes them all to safety.
They head back to Jackinoff Rubbins shaggin shack and slam down the rest of the Iced Ice and watch some Batman porno that Jackinoff had sitting on the table. Lionn shows up and they pack a hookah full of Jazz and get super duper high.
Meanwhile back in jail Willy and Jackinoff are brought up for arraignment. Willy is charged and then released on his own recognizance. Jackinoff on the other hand has been identified as the “Two Finger Stinger” and is charged with explicitly sexually harassing over 10,000 innocent women who  use the eharmony dating site in hopes of finding a suitable husband by asking them if they are surrounded by bears.
The judge orders that Jackinoff be hanging from the dick, at dawn until dead, dead, dead. Willy is so worried about his friend that he runs all the way back to the Hundred Acre Trailer Park. The first house little Willy comes to is Ass’s, wel what’s left of Ass’s house after Lionn’s rocket cock attack. Willy begins banging on the door, first with his furry little bear fists then with a nasty ol trash can he found. Bodie is fast asleep inside, all hopped up on Ambien, wrapped in a Snuggie and wearing a sleep mask.
Just as Willy gave up on Ass that asshole donkey started to wake up a little. As he was getting out of bed he tripped and fell and got his Neti-Pot stuck on his head. He finally gets outside and can hear the commotion over at Jackinoff Rubbin’s place and starts walking over there, groaning, with his dumbass donkey head still wedged in the Net-pot.
Willy makes it back to Jackinoff Rubbin’s place and tells the boys about Jackinoff’s impending doom.  Just then Ass shows up and everyone thinks that he’s a Sexalien so the capture him and even though it is very apparent that it is actually just Ass, they gang-rape the ever-lovin’ bejesus out of him. Dicks flop into every crevasse on his weird, twisted donkey body. Ass gets his mouth free from the cock-storm for two seconds and shouts out “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!” and begins weeping. Blood and dude juice and shit and tears are flowing out of every hole on Ass’s body.
During the deep thrusting cluster fuck the Neti-pot gets knocked off of Ass’s head and they decide not to kill him since he isn’t actually a Sexalien. The gang then jump in the rivercart and hook it up to Ass and force him to drag them to the jail. They get there at the break of day as Jackinoff is being strung up by his mangled ol dick and they kick him off the tower. The rope pulls tight on Jackinoff’s dirty ol dangle and he instantly explodes into a massive orgasm, covering the judge and the executioner in hot, sticky jizz, which is really extra gross since Jackinoff is only like 11 or 12.
In the commotion Lionn, Rat, Bunny, Ass and Hooter run in and murder everyone there. Jackinoff continues to climax until the boys cut him down. Once he is free from the death rope Jackinoff stands up and yells, “Holy shit boys, that was the best god damn hand job ol Jackinoff ever got. 1000% chance I am doing that again”.
The boys, soaked in blood and semen and fuck it, lets say liquid, human diarrhea shit, hop back into the nasty ass old river cart and ride back to Jackinoff’s place. Jackinoff mixes up another batch of Iced Ice and they all get really high. Willy starts going through heroine withdraw and vomits all over Ass who is still stone sober because he still hates fun.  The guys, still all high as shit decide to gang-rape the ever-lovin’ bejesus out of Ass again. Dicks flop into every crevasse on his weird, twisted donkey body. Ass gets his mouth free from the cock-storm for two seconds and shouts out “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!” and begins weeping. Blood and dude juice and shit and tears are flowing out of every hole on Ass’s body.
Oh yeah, and the Mexican Cockroaches killed Swine.

 

The End

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