Author Archives: Reverend Rocky

It was a Hell of a decade

I started Hey Stupid in 2003 and though it has been through a lot of changes, it has always been a place for me to rant, poke fun at things, talk about music, girls, action figures and comics and make stupid jokes. Hey Stupid, the staff writers and the hundreds of thousands of fans that have visited this site over the last ten years will always hold a special place in my heart. However, for the foreseeable future, this will be the last update to Hey Stupid. I just have too many other things going on.

I will leave this site up as long as they let me and from time to time I will check back to read/interact with comments but I simply don’t have the time to generate new content.

Thank you again for reading, laughing and arguing with me. It was a lot of fun. Please check out my new, The Gentlemen’s Revolution.

 

The Cambria County War Memorial.

A lot of people see the Cambria County War Memorial (WARM AMORIAL if you’re actually from Johnstown) and think “Oh what a shitty venue, is Blue Oyster Cult really playing there? Is Blue Oyster Cult still a band”?

Yes, yes they are.

Yes, yes they are.

Then they think, “Oh its probably a memorial to all the wars the U.S. has been involved in”. Well folks, that’s not the case.

Why's it here?

Why’s it here?

The arena is 63 years old, it is too small its dingy, parking is terrible, there isn’t a good seat in the house and quite honestly, the place needs torn down. So what does it represent? Why isn’t it torn down? Why does the county keep sinking money into it when that money could easily be spent on…everything the county needs?

Like more Donnie Iris concerts, maybe?

Like more Donnie Iris concerts, maybe?

The reason is what the Cambria County War Memorial stands in tribute to…The Cambria County Wars.

Back in 1873 America was still licking its wounds after winning the civil war and thoroughly punishing the South for thinking they could defeat and industrialized nation armed with only incest and stupidity.

We speak twanglish, y'all.

We speak twanglish, y’all.

And Cambria county was about to enter into the greatest conflict man has ever forgotten.

Great Grampah Poopsierius Snyder was takin a shine to makin some shine with the help of Thomolias Dolan and Erik Von Van Croylestein and started running it via mule train down through Burnt Cabins and into Bedford County.

We make corn liquor.

We make corn liquor.

Problem was a couple of rum runners from Daisytown caught wind of the operation and decided to try and cut em off going down over the hill toward Pavia. Well after bein ambushed by a bunch of whoopin and hollerin asshats dressed up in poorly conceived injun costumes, Poopsierius Snyder, Thomolias Dolan and Erik Von Van Croylestein decided to strike back.

The boys snuck up over Rager’s hill toward the wretched hive of Daisytown to stalk their prey.

Well, not exactly sneaking.

Well, not exactly sneaking.

When they got to the top of the hill…

Actually I’ve lost interest in this.

Have a good night. Drive safe.

 

 

 

Power down the self destruct sequence.

Alright folks,

As any of you long time readers know, I have been going 200 miles an hour down a road of booze, broads and bad decisions from day one. The thing is though, now I am in my 30’s, I have kids, I am happily divorced and dating again. I have a big boy grownup job now and I don’t necessarily have the “so what if it kills me” attitude I used to.

In the last year I lost 70 pounds, got a lot more active and feel a lot better but I am not where I want to be yet. I need to make a few more changes but I know if I don’t have complete strangers on the internet judging me and  making comments I will never stick to it.

So here is how I have changed my life thus far, hopefully I can stick to it.

I started studying about and eating a Paleo Diet

I know this is going to be a tough one for me, especially because I LOVE grains and dairy so much but I figure I am at least going to do the 30 day challenge, see how I feel and then follow it as closely as I can.

I quit smoking.

I know, I say every year that I quit smoking but this time I think it may actually stick. I set a step down plan, followed exactly, got off cigarettes and bought a pack of nicotine gum. I have the gum as a safety net but I haven’t had a cigarette in 5 days and I haven’t needed the gum yet.

I joined a gym.

The company that I work for has a free, 24 hour access gym in the building and this isn’t some shit hole with a few pieces of old equipment,  this is like a modern version of Drago’s gym in Rocky 4. I got a personal trainer and I have been sticking with it so far.

I tossed out all my old, worn, out-of-style clothes and started building a new wardrobe.

Alright, honestly, this is my girlfriend’s doing. I have been telling myself I need to take the plunge and build a new wardrobe for awhile but I just couldn’t make myself pull the trigger. Then I was reminded that you don’t dress for the job you have, you dress for the job you want. Really that applies for life in general.  Don’t dress for the life you have, dress for the life you want.

My new clothes make me feel better, more confident and more motivated. I can’t see anything wrong with that at all.

Today. 

Breakfast:

Unsalted, unroasted Brazil nuts, Almonds, and Walnuts

Spinach and tomatoes

Blueberry tea

Water

Lunch:

Paleo Beef beef bourguignon with spinach whipped cauliflower, tomatoes, onions and garlic

Unsalted Sunflower seeds

Snack: 

Blueberry tea

Beef Jerky

Total water for the day 128 oz

Even up.

For the past few years I have used this site for venting, making jokes, telling absurd stories, making fun of things and so on. From the first incarnation of heystupid right after I got out of college when the site got 10 visitors a day to the height of heystupid.net when there were 8 writers and we averaged 1500 visitors a day to now when I still get about 100 friends a day showing up, and I appreciate every single one of you.

In the past 10 years I have developed this character, Rocky, who really is an extension of me, albeit a very over the top, completely amplified version of me, he’s still not the real me. Yes I truly am an asshole, yes I truly make a lot of comments that straddle the line between funny and offensive, but in real life I am a functioning member of society and lets face it, Rocky never could be. Behind the overblown, crazy, fowl mouthed, insane creation that is Rocky, lies a real person, same as you, who at the end of the day, just wants to survive and have some semblance of happiness.

But that seems to be the hardest thing to achieve. In the last 11 years I have started a relationship, got a job, lost a job, moved half way across the country, got a new job, started a successful band, got married, had 3 kids, moved back, started my own company, closed my own company, moved again, started a new job, got divorced and finally started a new relationship. I gained 100 pounds, lost 60 pounds, bought an awesome brand new car, had it repossessed and saved until I could by a shitty, just get me around car. I moved into a nice home that now after my divorce I share with a roommate who I just met.

So many times I have gotten so close to finally being at a point where I could relax and enjoy life that I could almost touch it, just to have it swept away. I’m not telling you all this to make excuses or garner sympathy, I’m doing it to give you some idea of who I am. I drink… a lot, I smoke a lot, I do a lot of stupid things, all with the hope of dulling my senses just enough so as to not be constantly reminded of the whirlwind of shit things have been for such a long time.

I use a lot of these experiences to write the ridiculous shit that either makes it on to this site or into my stand up act and while I hate the fact that I over analyze everything and let what is essentially inconsequential bullshit get me down, sometimes I can’t help it. Usually, I would say about 80% of the time things just roll off me and I have no real problems but that other 20%, it drags me down, makes me not sleep for four or five days at a time, makes me shut down and push people away, and finally, drink every night until I’m blackout drunk so that I eventually just pass out and get an hour’s sleep or so.

I’m not stupid or delusional, I know this isn’t a good solution, or really any solution at all but it is a temporary fix and its a hell of a lot easier than actually opening up to someone. The truth is I’m not quite an alcoholic just yet, I don’t instantly turn to it, I don’t think about it all day long and I honestly don’t do it most nights, but when I do, I really, really do.

So anyway, I know I haven’t been updating this site as much as I should be but obviously, I have been distracted. I’m going to try and start keeping up with it, but I make no promises as of yet.

Tragedy in Colorado

Let me preface what I am about to say with, this is not a joke, this is not an attempt at humor, this is not political, not right-wing/left-wrong, or in any way about gun control.

What happened in Colorado early this morning at the Batman premiere was unthinkable and horrifying. I feel truly sorry for the people of that community, the friends and families of the victims and the victims themselves.

Listening to all of the different media outlets, of course all of the questions were, what do we do about gun control, how do we make movies theaters more secure, its this the nail in the theater industry coffin, and the biggest, why did this young man open fire, in a gas mask and a bullet proof vest in a crowded theater?

To be honest, I hope nothing changes because of this. Gun control debates are important and healthy and feeling safe when in a theater or anywhere else is paramount but this is a situation that nothing could have changed or prevented, you can’t predict what a psycho is going to do.

Then there’s the big question, why did he do it?  We will probably never know and obviously the guy was insane but the first and only thing that jumped in my brain was, I hope upon further investigation, his reason is Rush Limbaugh made me do it.

Again, let me clarify, I don’t care about Rush’s politics, that’s not what this is about, what I do care about is freedom of speech and responsibility for that freedom.

As Americans the most important right we have and the most powerful tool we have to affect change is free speech. To me, this is what truly defines liberty in America. If there is something that you think is unjust and needs to change, you have the right to express that without fear of persecution from the government.

That being said, to quote every thought on power, ever, with (great) power comes (great) responsibility. Obviously Rush is a conservative so naturally he is going to be opposed to liberals, that’s fine, not everyone agrees…that’s how this works. Also, I understand that Rush is an entertainer and needs to excite his audience. That’s how entertainment works. My problem with Rush, Glenn Beck, all of News Corp. and most political talk radio hosts is they cross a line into bat shit, shit house rat crazy and when you do that day, after day, after day, eventually the sane listener is driven away and only the bat shit, shit house rat crazy listeners are left.

Recently Rush shat out of the hole in his face that The Dark Knight Rises was an attack by the Hollywood Liberal Elite on Mitt Romney because the villain, Bane was a jab at his company, Bain Capitol and that the Dark Knight represented president Obama.

Not only is this not true, it doesn’t even make sense. Bane, the villain created by comic book writers specifically to destroy Batman, who did in fact literally “broke the bat” in Knightfall, was created in 1993. And Batman has been the Dark Knight since at least the forties.

I’m not saying that the suspect from this morning has ever listened to Rush but something pushed this deeply disturbed young man over the edge and to an insane person suggestion is a powerful thing.

I know I’m picking on Rush a lot here but truthfully, Right or Left leaning, commentators are going more and more for shock value and I believe they should have the right to say whatever they want, they should also have the decency to consider the weight, the impact and the ramifications they’re words will have.

SNYDER announces reunion. World climaxes.

Kennedy Space Center, Cape Canaveral, Florida

Ladies and gentleman, this is rock n’ roll reporter Cal Silverhammer here to report that just a few moments ago King Dut and Turbo Von Edmund Fitzcroylestein came together to announce that after 6 months SNYDER is coming out of retirement, going back out on the road and recording a new album.

The Original Road Chodes

King Dut: Look this band has always been about the music. Well, The music and the pussy. Alright, the music, the pussy and the cocaine. The pussy, the cocaine and the money. The music is ok but I guess it isn’t that important. Listen, Daddy Dut’s been losin’ a lot of money at the god damn dog tracks and I need to make a pay day.

Turbo: The world needs this band, not the other way around.

Cal: Will the full line up from the last album and tour be returning? Nasty, Bodie, The Jage and Asian Cimba?

King Dut: No, those guys are all fucking retarded. Nasty is busy, I dunno, selling lemonade and jerking off, Bodie has been taking a nap for 7 months, The JaGe…well who care about him and Asian Cimba is just a huge waste of time.

Cal: So what is the new SNYDER line up going to be?

Turbo: Well, it will be myself and King Dut, obviously…

King Dut: Obviously.

Turbo: And we’ll probably recruit a bunch of wankers no one has ever heard of just to do our bidding.

Cal: When can we expect to see some new material from SNYDER?

Turbo: What’s with all the questions? This interview…this interview is over.

 

Adventures in Stand-up

Recently I have started doing stand-up comedy again. Its been about 4, almost 5 years since I have done it and now I have been doing it for about 3 weeks again. It is great to get back into it. I won’t lie,  the first two gigs were rough but I am hitting my stride again and have started to deliver good sets.

I am going to log all of my stand-up adventures from here on out on HeyStupid since I really don’t use this site for too much more at this point. I think I am going to start doing a podcast and posting some videos as well.

Enjoy, shit stains.

WILLY THE POOR IN: CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Deep in the hundred-acre trailer park,

where Jackinoff Rubbin plays,
you will find the enchanted neighborhood
of Jackinoffr’s childhood days.

A donkey named Ass is his friend,
and Lionn and little Rat.
There’s Bunny and Swine and there’s Hooter.
but most of all Willy The Poor.

Willy The Poor, Willy The Poor,
silent little cubby wants to be your friend
He’s Willy The Poor, Willy The Poor,
Willy nilly silly ole bear.

…Willy nilly silly ole bear

Willy is in the Hundred Acre Trailer Park doing his morning stoutness exercises; not to get in shape, but to hopefully have people notice him, ask him what he’s doing and give him a chance to make a new friend…which he won’t. During his exercise he accidently slips on a roller skate, slides backwards toward his bed and impales his ass on the bed post.In Billy’s case his “bed post” is a rusty, old, cock-suckin, jagged, tetanus pipe that someone tossed down over the hill and he “reclaimed”.  After he stops the bleeding, he visits his pantry, finds that his jar of “honey” (trailer park slang for heroine) is empty and starts wondering where he can get more. He hears a Bearbingus stumbling around outside, and decides to try to get honey from Bearbingus’s tool shed over in the flats. He climbs a tree to try and go in from the roof and reaches as high as he can, but the branch he is standing on breaks, and he falls into a god damn pile of stinky old shit.
Not one to give up, Willy decides to go to Jackinoff Rubbin’s house, where Jackinoff Rubbin, Ass, Hooter, Bunny, Rat and Lionn are sitting around bullshitting. Jackinoff has invented a new drink he calls “Iced Ice” which is essentially just PCP and Koolaid which the whole gang (except for Ass because he fucking hates fun) are all drinking.
Jackinoff, who is now as high as a god damn, dirty old kite starts going on and on about George Noory, Monstanto, slimey, Lizardman cockfuckers and world government conspiracies.  Since the rest of the group is just as fucked off on the Iced Ice as he is, they all agree. Jackinoff then takes off his pants and belts them to his head to muffle his brainwaves so they can’t be intercepted by the government and goes off on a tangent about teaching himself Krav Maga while masturbating behind Billy’s Mom’s trailer. When Rat finally asks why he’s teaching himself Krav Maga Jackinoff says “Sexaliens from the planet Rapetorr”.
Jackinoff tells the gang that the Sexaliens are living amongst them in the trailer park, just waiting to violate their sweet virgin butt holes. Poor Swine is real scared and nervous because his sweet butt hole is not a virgin and he doesn’t want anyone to find out his dark secret.
Finally Willy speaks up and asks Jackinoff if he has and “honey” because his fur is getting real itchy and he really needs a fix, man. Jackinoff tells him that he has some balloons but that none of them have any heroine in them. Jackinoff then suggests that Willy break into a Bearbingus ‘s crack shanty and still some drugs.  Willy starts weeping like a bitch and explains that he already tried but fell out of that big bastard tree.
The other guys leave and Jackinoff and Willy hatch a plan to rip off a Bearbingus. Willy gets a blue balloon from Jackinoff Rubbin to try to get the heroine from the crack shanty. He rolls himself in a black mud puddle to disguise himself as a little black kid, and then uses the balloon to float up next to the top of the shanty. When poor old Willy gets inside he finds that the shed is filled with nothing but stolen chainsaws. As he and Jackinoff are getting ready to dig out, the god damn cops show up. Apparently a Bearbinguswas so guilt ridden by his spree of chainsaw and weed eater thefts that he walked into the police station and turned himself in. Straight up Kevin Spacey as John Doe in SE7EN style.
When Jackinoff and Willy don’t return from their adventure, the gang, still tripping their god damned balls off on Iced Ice gets real paranoid, thinking that they must have been abducted and ass fuckted by the Sexaliens. Lionn builds a cock cannon to fight off the Sexaliens, Rat becomes convinced that Mexicans are secretly Sexaliens in disguise and vows to send them all back to their dirt farms. Bunny and Hooter start the Office of Parkland Security and ride around in a Swinety old golf cart they found in the river. The cart has no motor so they make Swine push it everywhere for them.
Lionn works diligently on his cock cannon and when he goes to test fire it there is a major malfunction and rains down a storm of thundercocks. A huge depleted uranium cock to falls on Ass’s house. Lionn leads the others with a highly over complicated plan (seeing as how Ass’s house is nothing but a pile of sticks, and it would be much easier just to rebuild it) in trying to remove it with an elaborate pulley system (which collapses) and Lionn decides to knock the rock away with his Whoopty-Dooper-Loopty-Looper-Alley-Ooper rubber dick and getting everyone covered in mud and mad at him, particularly Bunny and Hooter, who are high as mahafakas on Iced Ice.
Rat decides to head down to the “ethnic” section of the park where he starts belittling anyone brown. He calls them things like Bean Burrito, Beaner, Berry Picker, Border Nigger, Border-Bunny, Chili Shitter, Ese, Gravelbellies, Hispandex, Nethead, Pepperbelly, Po-Bean, ScSwinech-Back, Roach Jockey, Spickaboo, Spic N Span, Spigger, Taco Bender, Wet-Back and most confusingly Sand-Nazi which makes absolutely no sense at all.
A couple of real big, nasty, mesh t-shirt wearin so their nipples show, Mexican cockroaches come running at Rat with a switchblade and alley biscuit. Just before he gets jumped Bunny and Hooter come screaming around the corner in their creekbed cart. Swine is real exhausted from pushing their fat asses around but they dump more Iced Ice down his throat and he is good to go again.
Bunny and Hooter threaten to “hate crime the shit” out of those bean suckin mother fuckers.  The cockroaches get distracted and start running at Bunny and Hooter. Hooter, picks up Swine and chucks that fucker at the cockroaches who proceed to beat the high holy hell out of him. Bunny and Hooter get back in the river cart and Rat pushes them all to safety.
They head back to Jackinoff Rubbins shaggin shack and slam down the rest of the Iced Ice and watch some Batman porno that Jackinoff had sitting on the table. Lionn shows up and they pack a hookah full of Jazz and get super duper high.
Meanwhile back in jail Willy and Jackinoff are brought up for arraignment. Willy is charged and then released on his own recognizance. Jackinoff on the other hand has been identified as the “Two Finger Stinger” and is charged with explicitly sexually harassing over 10,000 innocent women who  use the eharmony dating site in hopes of finding a suitable husband by asking them if they are surrounded by bears.
The judge orders that Jackinoff be hanging from the dick, at dawn until dead, dead, dead. Willy is so worried about his friend that he runs all the way back to the Hundred Acre Trailer Park. The first house little Willy comes to is Ass’s, wel what’s left of Ass’s house after Lionn’s rocket cock attack. Willy begins banging on the door, first with his furry little bear fists then with a nasty ol trash can he found. Bodie is fast asleep inside, all hopped up on Ambien, wrapped in a Snuggie and wearing a sleep mask.
Just as Willy gave up on Ass that asshole donkey started to wake up a little. As he was getting out of bed he tripped and fell and got his Neti-Pot stuck on his head. He finally gets outside and can hear the commotion over at Jackinoff Rubbin’s place and starts walking over there, groaning, with his dumbass donkey head still wedged in the Net-pot.
Willy makes it back to Jackinoff Rubbin’s place and tells the boys about Jackinoff’s impending doom.  Just then Ass shows up and everyone thinks that he’s a Sexalien so the capture him and even though it is very apparent that it is actually just Ass, they gang-rape the ever-lovin’ bejesus out of him. Dicks flop into every crevasse on his weird, twisted donkey body. Ass gets his mouth free from the cock-storm for two seconds and shouts out “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!” and begins weeping. Blood and dude juice and shit and tears are flowing out of every hole on Ass’s body.
During the deep thrusting cluster fuck the Neti-pot gets knocked off of Ass’s head and they decide not to kill him since he isn’t actually a Sexalien. The gang then jump in the rivercart and hook it up to Ass and force him to drag them to the jail. They get there at the break of day as Jackinoff is being strung up by his mangled ol dick and they kick him off the tower. The rope pulls tight on Jackinoff’s dirty ol dangle and he instantly explodes into a massive orgasm, covering the judge and the executioner in hot, sticky jizz, which is really extra gross since Jackinoff is only like 11 or 12.
In the commotion Lionn, Rat, Bunny, Ass and Hooter run in and murder everyone there. Jackinoff continues to climax until the boys cut him down. Once he is free from the death rope Jackinoff stands up and yells, “Holy shit boys, that was the best god damn hand job ol Jackinoff ever got. 1000% chance I am doing that again”.
The boys, soaked in blood and semen and fuck it, lets say liquid, human diarrhea shit, hop back into the nasty ass old river cart and ride back to Jackinoff’s place. Jackinoff mixes up another batch of Iced Ice and they all get really high. Willy starts going through heroine withdraw and vomits all over Ass who is still stone sober because he still hates fun.  The guys, still all high as shit decide to gang-rape the ever-lovin’ bejesus out of Ass again. Dicks flop into every crevasse on his weird, twisted donkey body. Ass gets his mouth free from the cock-storm for two seconds and shouts out “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!” and begins weeping. Blood and dude juice and shit and tears are flowing out of every hole on Ass’s body.
Oh yeah, and the Mexican Cockroaches killed Swine.

 

The End

WILLY THE POOR IN: WILLY IS A DEAD BEAR MISS HIM MISS HIM

WILLY THE POOR
Deep in the hundred-acre trailer park,
where Jackinoff Rubbin plays,
you will find the enchanted neighborhood
of Jackinoff’s childhood days.

A donkey named Ass is his friend,
and Lionn and little Rat.
There’s Bunny and Swine and there’s Hooter.
but most of all Willy the Poor.

Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
silent little cubby wants to be your friend
He’s Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
Willy nilly silly ole bear.

…Willy nilly silly ole bear

WILLY : My name is Willy the Poor. This is The Hundred Acre Trailer Park, my neighborhood. This is Willy  Corner, my street. This is my life. I’m 30 years old. In less than a day, I’ll be dead. Of course, I don’t know that yet, and in a way, I’m dead already. Look at me, jerking off in the shower. This will be the high point of my day. It’s all downhill from here. That’s my friend, Dutstopher. See the way he pounds down bottles of vodka until he passes out bitching about college football depth charts? That’s not an accident. That’s my next door neighbor, Ass, and that’s my other neighbor, Rat. My buddy, Hooter. Another heavy drinker. Hooter’s a pretty typical drunk.. Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell him that’s all going to pass, but I don’t want to lie to him. Everyone who knows me or has ever heard of me thinks I’m this gigantic loser. And they’re right. I have lost something. I’m not exactly sure what, but I know I didn’t always feel this sedated. But you know what? It’s never too late to get it back.

My day started the same as any other, I woke up, ate 6 bowls of honey and then looked at pictures of people that I hoped would wanna be my friend someday in my old high school year book. Did you know you can find a lot of high school year book photos on Google?

I took a shower, read some from my 9th grade history books, brushed off my Velcro shoes and I…

Hey! Wait! Where are you going? What’s that, you were only interested in the story because I’m dead?

Fine, fine. Look I will tell you about my death just be my friend ok? Just listen. No one ever listens. Like that time my mom and dad…

Alright, stop. Come back. Fine, where is what you want.

It was two minutes to midnight and the lights from the police cars were filling the Hundred Acre Trailer Park. I was dead and the cops were hauling everyone out. Ass, Jackinoff Rubbin, Hooter, Swine, Rat, Bunny and Trubigger all cuffed and stuffed and dragged down to the police station for questioning.

SLUMPKEY: Bunny, my name is office Slumpkey, special investigator, Hundred Acre PD, as of yet, no one stands accused for murdering Willy the Poor but considering the horrifying nature of that hellscape of a crime scene and the substantial injuries to Mr. Bear that indicate a lifetime of abuse, we have to question everyone. What can you tell us about today?

JAGABIT: Well, I guess I was probably the first person to see Willy the Poor. I was getting dressed to go to my gay communist pride rally when I saw Willy .  It was about 8:30 in the morning and he came bouncing out of the ratty old dead tree he lived in behind his parent’s trailer and took a shit. If anyone ever asks you if a bear shits in the woods, the answer is always yes. In the woods, on the street, in a church. Bears shit where ever the hell they want. Can I have a smoke? Thanks. Anyway, Willy  took his big bear shit and was slouchin around half-stupid the way he always does.

Rat was just getting back from Deyarmin’s Trailer Park Market when Willy  went running down the road to give him a hug or something. Who knows with that ass hole. Anyway, he bowled Grzroo clean over and sent his god damned groceries through the god damned air. Willy  offered to help Rat up but Rat was real pissed and kicked Willy the Poor square in his furry, yellow bear balls.

Willy  was layin there in the mud just cryin and screamin and sayin “Its ok, Rat, we’re still friends. Wanna come play with my G.I. Joes” but Rat didn’t want to play with any of Willy the Poor’s shitty, knock off GI Joes. Rat wanted revenge. He picked up a cube of Mt. Dew and just bashed that poor little bear bitch over the head, screamin about bingo and Yahtzee and who knows whatever the fuck. That’s when Jackinoff Rubbin came along and scared Rat off, telling him “Calm down…fuck off…go get a pizza and a beer and toss it up in Kangasusie a few times”. That was the last I saw of Willy the Poor today.

If you ask me it was that damn, son of a bitch Rat who came back and finished off Willy the Poor. Rat has been known to get sloppy drunk and slap the piss out of people for no reason at all. And let’s face it, Willy ’s fucking fucked up face makes you wanna punch the fuck out of him as it is, then you add Rat’s temper, some liquor and Willy the Poor fuckin up his groceries…you got a perfect storm. A perfect murder storm.

WILLY : But that wasn’t the end, hell, that was barely…”bear-ly”…get it? Ha ha. Man, that’s killer! Anyway…

SLUMPKEY: Hello Rat, are you comfortable? My name is Officer Slumpkey, this is officer Tubby. We’re special investigators with the Hundred Acre PD.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

SLUMPKEY: There’s no need for that kind of language, Tubby! Anyway Rat, we heard you had a little altercation with Willy the Poor this morning and we would just like you to tell us about it.

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: Well, it was probably about 9:00 in the morning. I was just getting back from Deyarmin’s Trailer Park Market when I could hear that dim-witted old bear bouncing around like an idiot. Don’t get me wrong, I like Willy the Poor, he’s a nice enough kid, but holy shit he’s stupid. Not “Mexican-stupid” but still pretty fuckin stupid. So I was walking back into the park, it was around 9:00 or 9:30.

SLUMPKEY: Try and remember, was it 9:00 or 9:30?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: Well I wasn’t able to buy the new issue of Club because Old Man Deyarmin won’t sell skin books before 9:00 AM, so it had to be right around nine. Did you ever read club? They get those tiny ginneys open so wide you could fall in if you didn’t have a board strapped to your ass.  Anyhow, anyhow, I was comin back from Deyarmin’s Trailer Park Market and I planned on takin my groceries home, droppin em off and then goin over to Jackinoff Rubbins’ house to get drunk and play RBI.

SLUMPKEY: RBI?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: It’s a Nintendo game. So I hear that stupid fuckin bear and I try to avoid him. I decided to walk over by Bunny’s house instead of going directly to my place but god damn it if that dumb ass bear plowed right into me and knocked my groceries all asunder. Ham went flying, pork n’ beans went flying, my god damned Brylcreem went flying.

I stood up, dusted myself off and gathered up my groceries.

SLUMPKEY: Then what?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: Then I clocked that asshole with a cube of Mountain Dew right up on his dome piece.

SLUMPKEY: Why did you do that?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: Because he spilled my fuckin groceries. And besides, have you seen that kids face? It’s like someone dumped a bucket of ugly on him them smacked him in the mug with the Jesus Fuckin’ bucket. His face just makes me want to punch the shit out of him. Anyway, I clonked him in the melon with the extreme green, got out my frustration and was helping him up when Jackinoff Rubbin came by and invited us over to his house to play Nintendo.

SLUMPKEY: You and Dutstopher didn’t have any sort of verbal exchange where he told you to “Calm the fuck down” or “Go get a pizza and a beer and toss it up in Kangasusie a few times”?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: No, not at all. Me, Dutstopher and Willy  all went to Dutstopher’s crib to play Nintendo. Willy  was a little woozie, but still very much alive at that point.

SLUMPKEY: Can you tell us about what happened while at Jackinoff Rubbins’ house?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: Sure, we showed up at Dutty’s and he already had the game set up. He had it paused to come out and find me but he had it on and all the teams created and he had two cold ones cracked open and sitting on the table.

SLUMPKEY: Just two beers, but there were three of you.

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

RAT: Yeah, well, Dutstopher never planned on Willy  being there, he just tagged along. Besides, we always made him sit on the floor and never gave him any beer. I remember this one time we made him eat pizza scraps out of a dog bowl. What an ass hole. Dutstopher didn’t even have a dog, the bowl was a dirty old hubcap we found down near the old pool. Anyway, we were sitting on Dutstopher’s couch playing RBI when the game froze up.

Dutstopher slammed his controller to the ground and started cursing and swearing then he told Willy  to go take out the Nintendo tape, blow on it and put it back in. Willy  corrected him and said “There’s no tape. It’s a cartridge. You can call it a cartridge or a Nintendo game, but it isn’t a tap. I don’t understand why people do that”. Well ol’ Dutstopher flipped out. He flew off the couch, jumped over the fuckin coffee table and snatched up Willy  by the collar and drug him outside.

Willy  was begging Dutstopher to let him stay and play but Dut grabbed his arm and Irish whipped him into a fuckin metal pole. God damned Willy ’s head hit that pole so hard he bent the shit out of it and then passed out on the ground. Dutstopher went back inside and slammed the door behind him and I went home to get a pizza and a beer and toss it up in Kangasusie a few times.

WILLY : That big metal stick really did knock my fuckin head sideways but I woke up a few hours later and started walking over to my buddy Bunny’s house.

SLUMPKEY: Hello Lionn, are you comfortable? My name is Officer Slumpkey, this is officer Tubby. We’re special investigators with the Hundred Acre PD.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

SLUMPKEY: Do you know anything about what happened to Willy the Poor?

LIONN: Ah buddy, not really. To tell you the truth, I thought he died earlier in the day and not at his house where you found him.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

SLUMPKEY: What do you mean?

LIONN: Well man, it was about 1:00 pm, I was bouncing my way home from the Hundred Acre Wood, you know the titty bar? Anyway they do a lunch buffet over there that is just amazing. I went over to get my grub on and let some banged up skanks with daddy issues grind on the ol “Eye of the Lionn”, you know, my furry Lionn dong. But after 1 pm, they pull the buffet and drinks go up $2 a piece so I got the hell out of there.

I was bouncing on down the road when I saw Willy the Poor stumbling down the other side of the road all woozy and shit. He saw me and kind of half smiled and started staggering toward me. I still couldn’t tell if there was actually anything wrong with him at that point because that idiot always stumbled around like someone just cracked him upside the head. I mean Jesus, have seen his face? His face just makes me want to punch the shit out of him.

As his big dumb furry ass was hoofing it across the road to talk to me about some stupid model aircraft carrier he was building, or about seeing his mom’s vagina when she got out of the shower or whatever the fuck, he got run down by a fuckin car.

SLUMPKEY: He got hit by a car? Did you see the driver?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

LIONN: Oh yeah I did. It was that fuckin drunken psycho Hooter. I mean, I love that guy to death but Jesus H. Fuck dude, he gets slam-hammered like a bastard. So Hooter runs his ass down and jumps out of the fuckin car. His drunk ass is screamin to high heavens about someone not payin’ for their share of hamburgers and beer after they said they would and what kind of bullshit is that, I really don’t know.

He saw me standin along the side of the road and started walkin toward me screamin about this asshole jumpin out in front of his car and denting his ride and how I have to help him hide the body in the 1889 park swamps. Just then Willy the Poor starts rolling around and groaning saying “Its ok. I’m ok Hooter buddy, sorry about your car”.

Dowlowl walks over to Willy  and starts stomping the shit out of him saying “You’re god damned right you’re sorry”. Willy  quit moving again and Hooter picked him up and tossed him in his trunk. Then, he downed a bottle of Kahlua and said he was going home to get a shovel and I should meet him at his place.

SLUMPKEY: He asked you to help him dump the body of a hit and run victim?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

LIONN: Well, technically he would have been a victim of murder one at that point since he survived the hit and run and then Dowlowl kicked the shit out of him. Besides, I didn’t have anything to do and it wasn’t like it was the first time I had to help dispose of a problem.

Well, I walked on over to Hooter’s house. He lives a little out of the way so I would say it was probably about 1:45 at that point. I get up on the porch and bang on the door. I could hear his god damned dog barkin its head off in there but no sign of Hooter. I let myself in, petted his dog and snuck past his mom who fell asleep in her chair watchin Ally McBeal on vhs. I got into the front room and Hooter was fast asleep on the fuckin couch. I tried wakin’ that asshole up like six times but he just snoozed away.

I didn’t want to waste the trip so I went upstairs, jerked it in his bathroom, shot my Lionn man-cake batter in his shitter and left. When I walked outside I saw that he crashed his car into the tree in the back yard and the trunk was open. I walked over to see if Willy ’s corpse was still in there but that slippery little fuck apparently wasn’t dead.

There was a trail of bloody footsteps leading back to the park so I decided to follow them. Turns out Willy  went over to Bunny’s place.

WILLY : I was sure fucked up, that’s for sure but I know none of my good friends tried to hurt me on purpose. We’re all good buddies and they love me.

SLUMPKEY: Welcome back Bunny, we’ve been talking to some of the other residents and it sounds like you have some explaining to do.

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

SLUMPKEY: You told us the last time you saw Willy the Poor was around 9:00 am but according to multiple witness statements, he returned to your house around 2:15 pm. Is that correct?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

BUNNY: No! I mean…yeah, it is…but I didn’t kill him.

SLUMPKEY: Why don’t you give us all the details.

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

BUNNY: Alright fine. It was about 2:00 and I was just getting home from my gay communist fuck-fest parade and I NEEDED to take a bath because my fur was just so sticky and crusty and…well you know how those things are. Anyway, about 15 minutes later I was coming out of the bathroom when I heard a knock at my door. I went over and opened it to find Willy the Poor beat to hell and bloody as shit.

I brought him inside, cleaned him up, got him something to drink and then helped him to bed. I went back to my room, dried off, brushed my hair and then drank a soda. I got pretty bored and since I am unbelievably gay and Willy  was there and just passed out…obviously I decided to just rape the shit out of him.

I seriously raped that dude like 14 times and he never even woke up. Finally it was about 6:30 in the evening and I was about to give that dick head another plowing up the choco-love tunnel when he started waking up.  Willy  was a little startled and asked what I was doing. I said “I’m about to play ASStronaut and I’m gonna crash my cocket into Uranus to explore the deep, dark, moist smelly cave”.

I went to force myself on him but to my surprise he actually fought back and in the scuffle our dicks got all tied together in a cocknot. That’s just like a square knot except with dicks. Well Willy  was tryin to break free and just stretching the shit out of my unit so I grabbed an alley biscuit and…

SLUMPKEY: Alley biscuit?

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

BUNNY: You know, a cinder block. Anyway I grabbed that alley biscuit and smacked him right in his stupid face. Have you seen his face?

SLUMPKEY: I know, his face just makes you want to punch the shit out of him.

TUBBY: You-son-of-a-bitch!

BUNNY: Exactly. Anyway, I had to get my dick free from his and I couldn’t untie that ass-bastard cocknot, so I grabbed a straight razor and sliced his dick off in order to free my own. Then I bandaged him up and tossed him out the back door. A few minutes later I carried him over to Lionn’s place because he is real good at making “situations” go away.

Lionn verified he was still alive and tried using some smelling salts to get him to wake up, but that didn’t work. So being the quick thinker he is, Lionn put him in a dress, dolled him up like a hooker and drove him to an alley and tossed him in a dumpster. That truly was the last I saw of him.

WILLY : I know it sounds like things are pretty bad for me right now but I’m totally ok at this point in the story. I was just a little tired from all the head smashing and being raped about a dozen and a half times. So, I decided to lay on the stinky ass garbage and take a nap.

SLUMPKEY: Hello Hooter, are you comfortable? My name is Officer Slumpkey, this is officer Tubby. We’re special investigators with the Hundred Acre PD.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

HOOTER: Willy the Poor? Fuckin sue ‘em. That asshole owes me like $35 bucks.

SLUMPKEY: Hooter, we understand that earlier today you hit Willy the Poor with your car, then assaulted him, then attempted to bury the body, is that correct?

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

HOOTER: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Look, I woke up at about 7:45 and went down to the legion for a couple of drinks. I was sneaking in the back door cause I haven’t renewed my membership and I heard this weird groaning in the dumpster. I sure as shit thought it was a dumpster baby from some crazy-ass botched back alley abortion but it wasn’t. It was that ass-fuck Willy the Poor all dolled up in drag asleep in the dumpster. I was about to go over and help him get out of the dumpster. I figured if I helped him out I could force him to buy me a few beers.  Before I got over there though that crazy Swine fucker came struttin around the corner whistling a Great White song.

Swine pulled him out of the dumpster and dusted him off and started rubbing his arm and giggling. I decided to follow them around for a little bit. After about 10 minutes Swine got down on one knee and fuckin proposed to him. I don’t even think that crazy bastard knew it was Willy the Poor. Well obviously Willy  turned him down which caused Swine to flip his fuckin wig.

Swine grabbed a god damned board and just started beating the shit out of Willy  and then…

WILLY : And that’s when my good buddy Hooter just passed out in the police station.

SLUMPKEY: Hello Swine, are you comfortable? My name is Officer Slumpkey, this is officer Tubby. We’re special investigators with the Hundred Acre PD.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

SWINE: What do you guys want? I didn’t do nothing! I was in the god-fuckin-forsaken MARINES!!!

SLUMPKEY: No, no you weren’t you didn’t even score a 30 on your ASVAB, so there is no way you were in the Marines. Anyway, we are trying to figure out what exactly happened to Willy the Poor. So far we understand he’s been hit in the head at least 8 times, run over by a car, raped about 18 times, left for dead in an alley and the proposed to by you.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch

SWINE: I know he had a dick, but his face was real pretty.

SLUMPKEY: Actually he didn’t have a dick at that point, Bunny cut it off, but that’s…well that’s not important. Just tell us what happened after you cracked him in the head with a board.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

SWINE: Well, I left and went back to the well of souls where I live with a demoness and her sixty-six tourettes babies. I got real bored so I made a crystal ball out of an old clear light bulb and used my mystic alien devil powers to spy on that sexy ass Willy the Poor.

Well, I saw that damned bear walking back over to the Lionndome. I guess to maybe have a couple of drinks and jerk off in the basement to real bad Japanese horror porn since that’s all anyone does there.  Then what I saw actually made me feel bad for the little guy.

SLUMPKEY: Well what was it, what happened? That you saw…in your home made crystal…you know what? Get the fuck out of here.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

WILLY : I like Swine a whole, whole bunch, he’s a real good guy and a good friend but no one should have thought he was reliable.

SLUMPKEY: Hello again Lionn, are you comfortable? I’m still Officer Slumpkey, this is still officer Tubby. We’re still special investigators with the Hundred Acre PD.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

LIONN: What do you jerk faces want now?

SLUMPKEY: Well as far as we can tell at least up until 11:45 PM Willy the Poor was still alive and just arrived at your place.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

LIONN: Oh sure, sure. Yeah I was home. I was practicing my fuckin kar-a-tay, dude.

SLUMPKEY: You mean karate? You’re just saying “karate” like an asshole right?

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

LIONN: No, its “kar-a-tay”! Anyway I was practicing some sweet kicks and pounding a whole bunch of tequila and smoking some fuckin Jazz outta my hookah when ol Willy  T. Bear shows up. He’s all bloody as shit and wearin this torn up latex dress and starts tellin me about his day.

Well I wanted to listen to the story but I sure as shit didn’t want to stop kar-a-tayin, so I had him hold up some pads for me to kick.  Turns out I was a lot drunker than I thought. I kicked his ass out my window and he fell three stories. He’d have probably died right there but that depressing mahafahka Ass was walkin under my window and Willy  landed right on him.

WILLY : I sure do like Ass, everyone else says he’s real depressing and that he hates fun but I like him a lot.

SLUMPKEY: Hello Ass, are you comfortable? My name is Officer Slumpkey, this is officer Tubby. We’re special investigators with the Hundred Acre PD.

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

ASS: Oh bother. I don’t like this.

SLUMPKEY: Do you know anything about what happened to Willy the Poor?

TUBBY: You son-of-a-bitch!

ASS: Not really. I don’t really like Willy . I don’t really like anything. Except the sweet embrace of sadness…which I also don’t really like.

WILLY : The cops didn’t bother to ask Ass any more questions. Instead they just decided to once again gang-rape the ever-lovin’ bejesus out of him. Dicks flop into every crevasse on his weird, twisted donkey body. Ass gets his mouth free from the cock-storm for two seconds and shouts out “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!” and begins weeping. Blood and dude juice and shit and tears are flowing out of every hole on Ass’s body.

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all, it stretches forever, like an ocean of time….for me, it was hanging from the rafter beam in my parent’s trailer by a rope while jerking off to pictures of girls I went to high school. Or my grandmother’s hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper when she jerked me off while I was hanging from that beam…and the first time I saw my mom’s vagina. I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me…but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst…and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry its auto-erotic asphyxiation and that’s how I died. Just like that guy from kung-fu. I died hanging by neck from the rafter’s in my parent’s trailer.

 

Willy the Poor and Swine’s Big Day

WILLY THE POOR
Deep in the hundred-acre trailer park,
where Jackinoff Rubbin plays,
you will find the enchanted neighborhood
of Jackinoff’s childhood days.

A donkey named Ass is his friend,
and Lionn and little Rat.
There’s Bunny and Swine and there’s Hooter.
but most of all Willy the Poor.

Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
silent little cubby wants to be your friend
He’s Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
Willy nilly silly ole bear.

…Willy nilly silly ole bear

 

Swine’s Adventure

In the Hundred Acre Trailer Park, Ass, Bunny, Lionn and Willy are working on a plan to extract crack from cocaine. The plan involves getting a bunch of cocaine from Nicaragua. Swine comes up to them during the attempt and says that he knows how to build an airplane out of old garbage, but is effectively told that he is too insane to help. The plan goes awry when the drug mules the group hired are detained by customs officials, but Swine manages to draw up a plan proving his flying ol-dirty-garbage theory`.

However, no one pays any attention to the plan because they all remember when that crazy bastard made them drive to Indiana to become MMA fighters and it turned out to be just a load of horse shit. Swine sadly wanders away onto the “nature trail” behind the high school. While on the nature trail he runs into his ol’ friend Crispy, the Anaconda that couldn’t breathe.

Swine feels better when he finds a flyer for a drag queen dance off down at the Gentlemen’s Lounge. He then runs back, leaving his ratty old pretend Marines hat hanging piece of wood. Eventually, Ass, Willy, Bunny, and Lionn notice that Swine is missing, as they have to run into his house when the god damn cops show up to investigate reports of a make-shift meth lab in Bunny’s basement.. When Swine is not there, they assume that he has gotten himself engaged to another crazy-ass fat girl, and decide to find him. The search party finds a collection of old Carl’s Jr. napkins that Swine has drawn visions from his nightmares on and they became so terrified that they lock themselves in Willy’s tree.

Rat wakes up late and looks around for his friends but he can’t find any of them so he decides to head down to the bowling alley for a “couplladrinks”. While there he meets Iyevecky, an eagle from Poland and Rat starts screaming to the heavens that the Polish Nazi’s are coming to invade the Hundred Acre Trailer Park. Jackinoff Rubbin shows up and does six shots of Vodka and helps calm Rat down by talkin about old times.

One of the stories told is how Swine knocked up Rat’s sister  when they moved to the 100 Acre Wood, and a second story is the time Swine told the guys that sexy aliens landed in the woods and had sexy sex with him, when they all went to check it out Swine ran back to Rat’s house and took a big shit on his porch.

A third story told is about the house across from Jackinoff Rubbins’ place. Here Swine comes up with the idea to build Ass a house and he and Willy are joined by Lionn to build it. Lionn and Willy do most of the work, whilst Swine, unintentionally, gets in the way. The final house, however, is a disaster and is filled with snakes, and rats and fuckin big-ass spiders that Swine calls pets, but Lionn and Willy go off to tell Ass about the house. Unfortunately, the house is being watched by Swine, who eventually falls asleep on the couch with a lit cigarette in his mouth even though he has never smoked a day in his life and that mother fuckin house burns to the god damned ground. Willy then suggests that Ass could live with him, and he and Lionn go to inform Ass of the news. Ass reveals that the pile of sticks Lionn, Swine and Willy took to build Ass a house was Ass’s house, but Swine arrives to tell them all that the house fuckin burned down and only some Air Supply tapes were left. Eventually some dude bought the property off of Swine for like, six pinecones and an acorn or some shit, but the location remains as Willy Corner, since Willy “would call it ‘Willy and Swine Corner’, if ‘Willy Corner’ didn’t sound better, which it does, being smaller and more like a corner”.

Rat and Jackinoff Robbin are joined by Hooter and the three get retardedly drunk. Rat screams out that everything terrible that has ever happened in his life is Swine’s fault and decides to go whoop that little piggy’s ass.

Back in Willy’s tree, an argument between Bunny and Lionn ends with the Bunny falling out of the tree and then falling into the river. Without the scary-ass horror-murder-rape-death-demon napkins to scare the shit out of them, the friends return to Swine’s house and, after a time, start to go through Swine’s porno collection. The pictures are all of fully erect transvestites having sex with just about anything and everyone gets real scared again when they watch some of Swine’s videos which can only be described as “shit-covered” and “bloody”. Then, the friends again resolve to find their missing Swine and go back out to find him.

Trubigger, Bunny and Willy meet up with Rat, Hooter and Jackinoff Rubbin and the six search for Swine together. They eventually find Swine’s pretend Marine hat and know they’re on the right path. They soon pop out of the woods and find, to their…let’s call it dismay, Swine’s Cinderella shirt town up in the bushes near the creek. Rat, Jackinoff and Hooter decide to jump in after him but since they are all monumentally hammered they get swept down the river. Lionn, Bunny and Willy run after them but Lionn falls and breaks his tail.

They eventually pull those ass holes out of the drink but its late and dark and no one knows where they are. Rat and Jackinoff find some old tarps and newspaper and shit, not shit as in other stuff, shit as in actual, real, stinky shit and built a little house. The six dicks are all cuddled up in the shit-garbage house when they here a rusttlin in the bushes. Jackinoff Rubbin starts tellin everyone its probably Space Bigfoot comin’ to rape them all. Lionn grabs some sticks and starts sharpening points on them for self defense.

Lionn takes his stick and goes out to find the rape-minded space bigfoots and give them what for but he walks right past Swine and Crispy. When Swine gets to the garbage fort he calls out and says who he is and the other animals welcome him into the shelter. After finishing his patrol Lionn returns to the shanty but when he gets there he startles Willy the Poor who turns around and impales him through the guts. Still alive, but very badly injured they drag Lionn inside and poUr a bottle of 151 down his furry little throat.

With Lionn passed out the rest of the group huddles around a fire in the middle of the shit tent and talk about the future. Jackinoff Rubbin and Bunny convince the rest of the group that they will never find their way back to the Hundred Acre Trailer Park and that they will have to form a new society. Hooter mentions that he’s hungry and both Rat and Swine agree.

Swine suggests to Willy the Poor that he should euthanize Lionn because he’s “broken and useless” and then cut him up and eat him. Bunny chimes in that “Lionn meat is the juiciest meat”. Willy is apprehensive at first but since he has no other friends and really wants people to like him, he agrees and straight up murders the passed out drunk Lionn with a stick through the neck.

Bunny and Hooter take to skinning and butchering their former friend while Jackinoff and Rat build a spit over the fire. Willy is crying his little bear eyes out in the corner and Swine slipped out to rub one out til the food was ready, the food, of course, being Lionn.

After they guys eat every last edible bite of their former friend they all sleep like babies. Bright and early the next morning they hear more noises outside and when Rat pokes his head out he sees Ass being sad and snorting on his neti-pot.

“Hey Ass, what’s the matter”, Rat asked. “You guys left me alone, I hate being alone. What are you guys doing over here anyway?” Rat explained how the guys got lost deep in the woods and had no idea how to get home and they were starting a new society.  Rat was about to tell him about how they killed Lionn but then Ass mentioned that they were literally 5 feet behind his house and not at all lost in the woods.

When they all get back to the Hundred Acre Trailer Park Ass invites them all in for tea and to thank him the guys decide to once again gang-rape the ever-lovin’ bejesus out of him. Dicks flop into every crevasse on his weird, twisted donkey body. Ass gets his mouth free from the cock-storm for two seconds and shouts out “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!” and begins weeping. Blood and dude juice and shit and tears are flowing out of every hole on Ass’s body when there is a knock at the door.

The cops are there and they are asking around about a pile of Lionn bones in a shit covered tent out back. Swine and Jackinoff Rubbin instantly blame Willy the Bare claiming that he went nuts, murdered and ate Lionn because he wouldn’t give him “the honey pot” then brought everyone back to Ass’s and made them rape the shit out of him.

The cops believe Swine because he convinces them he is an ex-marine and war hero and they haul Willy the Poor off to jail.

 

Willy the Poor and the Ass Party

WILLY THE POOR
Deep in the hundred-acre trailer park,
where Jackinoff Rubbin plays,
you will find the enchanted neighborhood
of Jackinoff’s childhood days.

A donkey named Ass is his friend,
and Lionn and little Rat.
There’s Bunny and Swine and there’s Hooter.
but most of all Willy the Poor.

Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
silent little cubby wants to be your friend
He’s Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
Willy nilly silly ole bear.

…Willy nilly silly ole bear

Willy is stretched out on the ground sleeping in the mud where the swimmin’ hole used to be. His mind wonders back to the previous week’s events and the image of Ass’s corpse, reanimated and standing on the hillside. Terrified he wakes up to find he is still sleeping on a pile of mud and garbage and old broken ass bottles that now fill the swimmin’ hole. Feeling pretty hungry Willy starts rooting through the garbage. He can usually find at least one or two shit-covered old hot dogs but on this day, though, he finds a huge, floppy, big rubber purple dick and proceeds to chuck that slimy son-of-a-bitch in the god damned creek.. Noticing that the flow of the river takes the rubber death dong under the bridge, Willy invents a racing game out of it. Since Willy doesn’t really have any friends he plays it by himself.

Sometime later, Swine, Bunny and Rat show up and see that retarded hobo Willy sitting by the river playing with a gigantic fucking rubber donkey cock. Willy tells them he’s playing a new game by himself but what he actually says is “Hey guys, I am playing with myself with this enormous fake trouser snake I found in the ol’ trash pile”.

While standing there they see Ass floating in the river below. “Hey guys, I sure do hate the fucking water” he says as he floats by. After a somewhat successful attempt to get him to shore with the gargantuan 8 foot rubber wang, he tells them that he fell in due to being raped from behind. Swine shouts that it was Lionn who raped Ass into the creek. When Lionn arrives on the scene, he claims that his rape was actually a cough and that he was nowhere near that depressing fucking donkey asshole, leading to an argument between him and Ass, but with some outside help from the narrator, the animals find out that Lionn had indeed been nowhere near Ass. Lionn then says “fuck you assholes”, but nobody else, by showing weird faces, actually believes him. Lionn disgustedly says that they all probably rape each other anyway, and bounces away.

As Ass seems particularly depressed this day, Willy follows him to his gloomy spot and asks what the problem is. Ass says that he is unhappy because it is his birthday, and nobody has taken any notice to celebrate it. Willy decides to give him an Elvis, ’68 Comeback commemorative plate from the Bradford Exchange he stole from his parents’ trailer, but does not get far before he has a hunger attack and ends up smashing the plate in anger. Upon realizing this, he decides to ask Swine for advice. Swine consults his Ouija board and tells him that what Ass really wants is the rest of the gang to gang rape him, and Willy accepts. Swine writes down a time and place to bring Ass to and then runs off to tell Jackinoff Rubbin about the birthday. Swine has planned to wrap his cock in a special red condom to shove inside Ass, but when Hooter greets him from the sky, Swine is not looking where he is going, and falls down and punctures it on a stick accidentally.

Swine is very sad that his “gift” for Ass is spoiled and starts smacking a big iron rod against a rock and screaming obscenities. Rat shows up and asks him what’s wrong but Swine, now in a fit of retarded rage tells him to fuck off or he is gonna go have a big “two-kegger dance party” on Rat’s mom’s grave.  Swine runs off and waits at the “party” location. Willy and his friends then pitch in and plan a surprise party rape for their friend.

During the party, Swine, Hooter, Jackinoff Rubbin, Bunny, Willy and Rat surround Ass and just start raping the fucking shit out of him. When Lionn finally comes along he proclaims, “I knew it, I fucking knew it, you guys all fuck each other like crazy hillbillies”. Ass gets his mouth free from the cock-storm for two seconds and shouts out “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!” and begins weeping.

Willy the Poor and the Asian-Six-Holed-Sex-Doll

WILLY THE POOR
Deep in the hundred-acre trailer park,
where Jackinoff Rubbin plays,
you will find the enchanted neighborhood
of Jackinoff’s childhood days.

A donkey named Ass is his friend,
and Lionn and little Rat.
There’s Bunny and Swine and there’s Hooter.
but most of all Willy the Poor.

Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
silent little cubby wants to be your friend
He’s Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
Willy nilly silly ole bear.

…Willy nilly silly ole bear

Willy the Poor and his friends hear a strange noise like a bunch of squeak toys and jingle bells (and, in Lionn’s case, a major earthquake in the middle of the night, causing his house to be severely damaged). They jump to the conclusion that the noise and prints are from a Asian-Six-Holed-Sex-Doll, and Bunny organizes an expedition to go try to gang bang it; a disappointed Rat is told to stay behind, as everyone believes the expedition is too dangerous for one as hatred for immigrants and their sex toys as he.

Rat slips out on his own in search of the Asian-Six-Holed-Sex-Doll, and soon finds one; or at least someone who claims to be. In reality it is a Filipino lady-boy named “Stumpy”. Stumpy, colored yellow-brown and having a stereotypical Asian accent and a dick like an elephant’s trunk, but being not much more sober than Rat. Rat is afraid at first, but the two quickly become friends and go bowling. After a while, Stumpy hears a client calling for him to come into the back seat of his car for anal sex. Rat wants Stumpy to come home with him to meet his wife and possibly have a weird strange three way first, and they head towards the Hundred Acre Trailer Park. When they get to the fence, Stumpy suddenly stops; thinking that the “creatures” that live there are scary. Rat reassures him and they return to the Hundred Acre Trailer Park, which is deserted, as everyone else is still out searching for the Asian-Six-Holed-Sex-Doll. Rat and Stumpy soon become great friends and find that they’re not so different after all. While pounding shots of 151 and playing connect four, the two friends hear another of Stumpy’s clients calling him to perform fellatio again. Stumpy and Rat search for another client, but its real late at night and they get lost in the woods. Stumpy trunk dick to beat on a tree and try and get help, but it doesn’t work. After hours of searching, Stumpy assumes that they will never find their way home, and starts to cry. Stumpy unzips Rat’s pants and offers to suckle him when Rat sobers up enough to realize what’s going on and he kicks Stumpy in the throat.

Rat soon finds Hooter and the rest of the gang. Bunny thinks that Stumpy has captured and raped Rat, and gets real jealous that he didn’t get to have “Asian” sex so he starts to chase Stumpy through the traps he set up earlier in the film. Stumpy escapes the traps but falls asleep on a random couch and Bunny rapes his fucking face off.

Willy the Poor walks in on the situation and is a little freaked out that Bunny is standing over a dead, trans-sexual Asian hooker with a bloody cock but he is so desperate for friends, he agrees to drag the body outside and burn it behind his parents’ trailer. Bunny and Rat break into Willy’s Parents’ trailer to drink all their booze but once they get in their they realize that Willy’s parents are too poor to afford booze and they get real pissed and beat the shit out of Willy. To keep them as his friends a badly beaten and injured Willy agrees to use all his lunch money to buy them a bottle of wine.

On the way to the liquor store they pass Jackinoff Rubbin, Lionn and Ass standing in front of the “Hundred-Acre Wood” strip club. Jackinoff and Lionn are both blind drunk and begging to go inside while Ass says “Oh bother, I hate fun” and tries to convince them to stay outside while he grows his beard and listens to depressing music. Hooter swoops down from the sky, drunk out of his fucking mind screaming “FUCKIN’ SUE EM” for no reason at all. Just then he crashes into Bunny and passes out on his lap.

Someone in the strip club called the cops and as the sirens start blaring Willy the Poor starts to look scared because he still has dirt and blood and hair on him from burying a dead, tranny sex slave in his parents’ back yard (is it a yard in a trailer park). As his little eyes start to well up with tears Rat beats him over the head with a god damned phone book and yells, “man the fuck up and stop looking so god damn poor. The cops will only fuck with you if they think you’re poor”.

Two cops show up and tell the guys to calm down, Ass doesn’t hear them because he’s listening to Paint the Town Careless and he reaches down to his humongous phone to play another track and the cops think he’s going for a gun and shoot him. When they realize it was a phone and not a gun they start freaking out. Willy offers to help them out by planting Ass in the dirt next to Stumpy’s corpse. The cops agree but Rat, Bunny, Lionn, Hooter and Jackinoff Rubbin don’t trust the fucking fuzz and the whack those pigs.

Willy the Poor, Rat, Lionn, Bunny, Swine, and even Jackinoff Rubbin decide to go into the Hundred-acre Wood to get shitfaced and see some fuckin tits and the end credits roll. During 30 seconds of blackness you hear some sobbing and some hacking and coughing then a lightning lights up the sky to reveal Zombie Ass, out for revenge!!!

The Amazing Misadventures of Willy the Poor

WILLY THE POOR
Deep in the hundred-acre trailer park,
where Jackinoff Rubbin plays,
you will find the enchanted neighborhood
of Jackinoff’s childhood days.

A donkey named Ass is his friend,
and Lionn and little Rat.
There’s Bunny and Swine and there’s Hooter.
but most of all Willy the Poor.

Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
silent little cubby wants to be your friend
He’s Willy the Poor, Willy the Poor,
Willy nilly silly ole bear.

…Willy nilly silly ole bear

In today’s episode Willy wakes up one day to find that he is out of grub stubs. While out searching for more, Willy discovers that Ass has lost his Neti pot. Willy, Lionn, Bunny, Hooter, Swine, and Rat come to the rescue, and Jackinoff Rubbin decides to hold a contest to see who can find a replacement for Ass’s Neti pot. The prize for the winner is a grub stubs card. After many failed attempts for what would replace Ass’s Neti pot(such as a tea pot), Rat suggests they use a crack pipe, but it breaks.

The next day, Willy goes to visit Jackinoff Rubbin and he finds a note that says “Went dahn ta Arcade, bring quarters.”. Because Willy is unable to read the note, he asks for Hooter’s help. Hooter’s state of intoxication causes him to mutter some dumb shit about a monster named The Rapey, and proceeds to lead Willy and his friends to believe that Jackinoff Rubbin has been abducted by a ruthless and mischievous monster they call the “The Rapey”. Willy and his friends plan to trap the Rapey in a pit, which they think he’ll fall into after following a trail of items leading to it. Meanwhile, Lionn, wanting a sidekick to help him defeat the Rapey, recruits Ass to be a second Lionn. He dresses up like the Rapey and tries to teach
Ass how to fight. Ass, who is doing this against his will, escapes from Lionn and hides underwater while hating fun and crying.

After a failed attempt to get grub stubs from a hobo, Willy’s imagination combined with his hunger get the better of him, and accidentally falls into the pit meant for the Rapey. Bunny, Rat, Hooter and Ass (who had found an old hookah whilst he was hiding to replace his own Neti Pot) try to get him out, but fall in themselves. Swine attempts to get Willy and friends out of the trap (though continuously irritating Bunny with overintrepretations of his instructions), but he runs into Lionn, still in his Rapey outfit, and mistakes him for the actual monster. Swine escapes from Lionn through a Hell’s Gate he drew with chalk on the basement floor, which knocks some whack-ass old blow-up dollst. After the chase, Lionn and Swine fall into the trap as well, where Ass reminds Lionn that he, being “the only one”, is “the most wonderful thing about Lionns”. Eventually, Willy figures out to use the fallen fuck toys to form a ladder, and the animals are able to escape the pit. They soon find Jackinoff Rubbin, and tell him about the Rapey, but he clarifies, saying “You guys are all fuckin’ retarded. I wanted you assholes to come down to the park and bring me some god damned quarters so I could eat pizza and play Ikari Warriors”.

Later, Willy visits Hooter only to find that Hooter was the one that took Ass’s Neti pot, because he thought that guy was “being a real pussy”. Hooter had been using Ass’s Neti Pot as a beer pong.. Willy chooses to leave and return the pot to Ass instead of sharing a the grub stubs with Hooter. Jackinoff Rubbin doesn’t give a shit about Willy’s kindness and convinces him to give Jackinoff all of his G.I Joe and wrestling figures in exchange for an expired grub card.

Jean-Claude-asutra

No Retreat, No Surrender

 the receiver lays on their back with their lower back and legs raised all the way up so that their ankles are crossed behind their own head. The exact end position will depend on the flexibility of the receiver. This position totally exposes the groin area to the giving partner who lays atop the receiver to perform. The giver moves up and down on the receiver to create friction. The giver needs to use their hands to support their own body weight so as not to crush the receiver.

This position requires considerable flexibility on the part of the receiver and it cannot be (fully) achieved by most, but it is wonderfully “naughty” due to the feeling of being totally exposed. Those less flexible might try getting into the position, but stop at the point where the position starts to become uncomfortable. The giver can also help those less flexible by using their hands to support the receiver’s thighs at mid-point.

Bloodsport

The male version of Eve’s Ecstasy, the Throat Swab can be a very exciting position for many men. The performing partner lies back on a couch or bed, tilting their head over the edge, while their partner penetrates their mouth from a kneeling, squatting, or standing position (depending on furniture height). Experiment carefully with the speed and forcefulness of any thrusting to keep it comfortable for the performing partner.

Since the performing partner needs air to stay alive, pause frequently to give time for breath…

Black Eagle

In the Spread Eagle variation of cunnilingus, the receiving partner lays on their back with their feet planted to either side of the shoulders of their performing partner. This position is a big hit for its high level of comfort and the additional hand stimulation that can be provided. Because of the lack of contact from other parts of the body the experience can (ironically) be even more intense for the receiver, as all sensation can be focussed on the highly sensitive groin area (if desired).

Cyborg

This is a variation of Doggy-Style that due to the extreme body angles means that the penis is most likely too far away from the vagina for it to be practical; this position is therefore most suited to anal sex. The receiver is on knees with the upper body lowered.The giver faces away and crouches over the receiver’s rear end; pointing the penis at a downward angle the giver inserts and then thrusts up and down.

Kickboxer

A wrestling inspired hold you can play dirty with, this is one submission move your partner won’t want to escape. You can achieve a unique angle of penetration, and it’s also a great way to massage all around the G-spot!

Inspired by the original pose Scissors, Seated Scissors still utilizes an inter-crossing of lovers’ legs, but is easier to perform because sexual partners have more leverage to move, owing to a more upright seated position. Moreover, the receiving partner leans slightly forward over the other lover’s leg, which further facilitates comfort, movement – and of course, pleasure!

Death Warrant

A very intimate position, the See-Saw will definitely bring you and your partner closer. To get into this position, the giver sits up with legs straight while their partner sits on top of them with legs planted on either side. Although movement is limited, don’t underestimate the passion that can be experienced using it.

Lionheart

The Sockets position differs from the Scissors position because although the partners’ legs are inter-crossed (or scissored), the top leg of the receiver is placed in front of the giver’s chest, rather than behind them. This means the receiver is laid on their back, rather than side. This position allows for an unusual angle for penetration. It also has the advantage of not trapping the receiver’s lower leg and so is more comfortable. However, care should be taken to not ever-extend the penis which is pointed at an unusual (downward) angle.

Double Impact

A variation of the Intersextion position the Twister position differs because both the giver’s and receiver’s legs are wrapped around each others torso (head to toe). This allows for an unusual angle for penetration. However, care should be taken to not ever-extend the penis which is pointed at an unusual (downward) angle.

Universal Soldier

In the Sitting Bull position the giver sits on a bed or other service with their legs open, and has their partner lying on their back with their legs over the giver’s shoulders. It is quite an awkward position to get into, so the easiest way to get into it is by having the receiver lay down backwards from a kneeling position and then swing their legs up-and-over. Although a fairly comfortable position for both partners, it does lack in mobility for penetration.

Hard Target

Sit on a counter and have your man stand facing you. His legs should be slightly bent, spaced 3 feet apart. With your arms on his shoulders and his arms around your lower back, slowly pull your right leg up and prop your right foot on his left shoulder. Then pull your left leg up and prop your left foot on his right shoulder.

Nowhere to Run

basically the Missionary position but with the receiver’s legs extended out straight and forming a v-shape toward the ceiling. To get into the position, the receiver simply lies down on their back while their partner lies face-down on top of them. The receiver then extends the legs as shown.

Cyborg 2

If you and your partner have struggled with slipping out in the Cowgirl position, then the Rodeo should reduce this irritating occurrence at the possible expense of clitoral stimulation. In a nutshell, the Rodeo position is simply Cow Girl with the receiver facing the opposite way the receiver. Although the receiver no longer presents their breasts / chest to their partner for easy access, they provide great access and a great view to the receiver’s rear end.

Street Fighter

Side-Rider position is a variation of Asian Cowgirl, where the receiver is facing sideways-on from their partner and plants their feet instead of kneeling. Although not a big deal for the young and nimble, this position can be extremely difficult and tiring for many receivers, so their partner should offer some support using their hands whenever possible.

Timecop

Belonging to the fellatio family, this is akin to YMCA in the cunnilingus department. If the receiver can comfortably hold this position, or with the support of their lover’s arm around the waist, the receiver can be transported to a realm of pleasure never experienced before.

Not only is it easier for the giver to take more length deeper in the mouth, it also allows the receiver to gaze at the others genitals, albeit upside down! This pose also facilitates a deeper sense of trust between sexual partners as the receiver must depend on the other to support their weight if balance is temporarily upset … or the ability to ‘contain’ themselves is lost.

Sudden Death


To get into the Pirate’s Bounty position, the receiver lies on their back with one of their legs resting on the shoulder of their partner, the other wrapped around their partner’s thigh (the mast). The giver enters from a kneeling position. A little easier to perform than the similar Deep Stick, this position holds true to its name, meaning the giver can penetrate with everything they’ve got, unless of course they are too big. Any genital altitude difference can be corrected for easily by using pillows.

Maximum Risk

Not for the timid, the Amazon can be one of the tougher woman-on-top positions. It is not the easiest position to get into, but it does give the receiver a sense of control and power that is absent or low in most positions. To get into this position, the receiver squats over their partner while resting on the back of their partner’s legs, which are brought towards their chest to expose them at a unique angle. If the receiver is comfortable with their balance, they can reach behind and under to give their partner some additional manual stimulation.

The Quest

The Peepshow version of fellatio has both partners lying on their sides, both facing the same way, head-to-toe. The receiver opens their legs to allow their partner’s head between their thighs from behind. The giver performs oral from a side-laying position. The giver is also able to reach around and use their hands to caress and explore their partner’s lower body.

Double Team

A variant of the Acrobat position, the Pearly Gates position is one of the favorite positions for intimacy. Unlike its close cousin, regular Rear Entry, this position offers incredible access to the receiver’s chest and neck while offering a great penetration angle for g-spot or prostate gland stimulation. To get into the position, the giver lies on a bed with their partner lying on top in line with them.

Note: since the receiver doesn’t have very much leverage, movement is mainly the giver’s responsibility.

Legionnaire

If you’ve got access to a bar like this at home and you haven’t yet tried your own version of Monkey Bar, now is the time! Not only is it physically invigorating, it creates an unusual sensation of penetration.

In order to make it work, the giver must be prepared to do partial pull-ups repetitively. This requires cardiovascular strength and fit arms. By reaching behind and holding onto the giver’s hips or buttocks, the receiver can help keep them steady and direct the focus exactly where it’s wanted.

Height differential might make this challenging but it’s nothing a high pair of heels or a mild squat by the receiver couldn’t fix.

Knock Off

To get into the Mirror of Pleasure position, the receiver lies on their back with both their legs resting on one shoulder of their partner, who enters from a kneeling position. It can be difficult for the giver if the genital altitude difference isn’t corrected for, but thankfully that can be done easily using pillows. Similar position to Deep Stick where the receiver has one leg on each shoulder.

Universal Soldier: The Return

Since our research concluded without finding an existing name for this position, we at sexinfo101.com are privileged to name it the Leg Glider. Although it is considered extremely difficult by the inflexible, it is a massive hit amongst virtually all who can do it. The receiver simply lies on their side, with their upper leg pointed towards the sky or against the giver’s shoulder, while their partner enters using a kneeling position.

Inferno

With great face-to-face contact, Mastery is a very intimate position that’s great for those that like to do a lot of kissing during intercourse. To get into the position the receiver simply sits on their sitting partner facing them. Unfortunately, when performed as illustrated, the position isn’t great for generating vertical movement, so if you want to experience the full effect (as shown in the ratings below), make sure to try it on a stool or chair that lets the receiver get a good footing.

The Order

Similar to its counterpart, the Big Dipper, this exhilarating position requires the ‘pumper’ to have significant arm strength and overall endurance. Because our little dipper has to dip low enough to penetrate their partner, this move is all about working the tricep and shoulder muscles.

Basically, the receiver needs to place themselves between two unmovable objects, preferably a sturdy couch edge and a coffee table or ottoman. The receiver starts by sitting on the edge of the couch, hands on either side of them, and places their feet on the object in front. The receiver slowly slides their butt off, thus assuming the position and is helped onto the phallus through the giver’s guidance.

The distance between receiver and giver can be minimized (thus making this easier to perform) by placing pillows or positional aids underneath the supine partner’s buttocks. The giver can also assist their lover by thrusting up towards the receiver – besides, how could one resist?

Replicant

What better way to motivate yourself to work out than to integrate it into your sexual repertoire? Yes we know, why spoil something so fun with exercise – but how about just enough to get your adrenaline flowing and your heart really pumping?

The successful execution of Big Dipper, along with its little sister Little Dipper, depends on arm endurance and core strength. The ‘pumper’ positions themselves in between two very sturdy units such as a couch edge and an ottoman, placing their hands on the surface behind (as for a triceps dip) and their legs out in front on the other surface. The other lover stands over them with knees slightly bent, straddling their legs. The receiver can counter any height differences by squatting. If it’s too tough to for the giver to do a full dip, the receiver may engage in squat thrusts to create more movement.

Derailed

The Ben Dover position is essentially Standing Doggy-Style but with the receiver bending over at the waist. In a venue where lying down is undesirable, this is a great position to practice. It is advised that the receiver place their hands on the floor, or grabs their ankles, to balance themselves; this will allow for a more enjoyable experience, faster thrusting, and less likely-hood of falling over. Bending over pushes the pelvis back against the giver allowing easier and deeper penetration, but is otherwise less intimate than the regular Standing version.

For variation the receiver should try spreading their legs apart or bringing them together. However, the farther you spread your legs the deeper the giver is going to have to squat to gain access; say hello to burning quads. To overcome height differences, the giver should try squatting, or the receiver should be given something to stand on.

In Hell

The Butler is Forbidden Fruit stood up. However, it is not quite as intimate and sensual a position as the receiver is not as totally exposed to the giver. It is nonetheless very pleasurable! The receiving partner stands while their partner kneels behind and between their legs. The position is particularly suited to analingus and other anal play.

Wake of Death

A unique twist on the Dancer position, the Ballerina position is a lot of fun if you are looking for something with more face-to-face contact. Both partners simply stand facing each other, the receiver raises one of their legs to give easier access while their partner helps support it. If the receiver is not very flexible, you may want to try putting the raised leg onto the hip of the giver.

The Hard Corps

A variant of the Acrobat position, the Bent Spoon position is one of the favorite positions for intimacy. Unlike its close cousin, regular Rear Entry, this position offers incredible access to the receiver’s chest and neck while offering less penetration angle. To get into the position, the giver lies on a bed with their partner lying on top in line with them, facing the same way and with knees bent. Note: since the receiver doesn’t have very much leverage, movement is mainly the giver’s responsibility.

Second in Command

The secret to executing a successful Booster Seat is to attain the right momentum; although, it does help if the giver has arms powerful enough to make it happen!

This rear entry position is also ideal for anal, and is intense and physically exerting. The receiver looks as though they’re sitting in a chair, but in reality they’re held up at the waist by their partner. The receiver uses the structure under their feet for balance although they are also free to bear some of their own weight (this’ll take part of the strain off the giver); however, it requires a couch or bed that’s low enough to do so.

Here’s a tip for the standing partner – keep your abdominal muscles engaged, your back braced and knees bent; above all else, don’t overdo it or you’ll be sore in the morrow!

The Exam

In The Usual fellatio position the receiving partner simply lays back while their partner performs oral from a lying position between the receiver’s legs. The giver can also use their hands to explore the whole of the receiver’s body. Although not overly intimate, this position is a great treat for the receiver…

Until Death

A variation on the Reverse Amazon, this time with the man on top; the Brute can be one of the tougher man-on-top positions. It is not the easiest position to get into, but it does give the giver a sense of control and power that is absent or low in most positions. To get into this position, the giver squats over their partner (facing away) while resting on the back of their partner’s legs, which are brought towards their chest to expose them at a unique angle. If the giver is comfortable with their balance, they can reach behind and under to give their partner some additional manual stimulation.

The Shepherd: Border Patrol

If all ‘plumb-hers’ were this helpful, women would be springing leaks left and right! This standing cunnilingus position makes the receiver feel confident and in control. Moreover, the slightest adjustment on her part (squatting further, tilting, leaning forward, etc.) translates to different pressure and clitoral stimulation that’s tailors perfectly to her needs.

The couple positions themselves as they would in Eve’s Ecstasy, with the exception that she’s facing toward her partner, not away. This pose is a tad easier for her to maintain and gives her a chance to feast her eyes on her lover’s body. Allowing the giver’s head to hover just over the bed edge gives them lots of mobility to pleasure their lover. However, the partners ought to negotiate their movements carefully, so as to avoid the giver straining their neck.

JCVD

Bumper Cars is the Rear Entry position with the giver on top but facing the receiver’s feet. Getting into the position is a little trickier than usual. The receiver lies face-down on the bed and has the giver lay on top of them. As the position will put the penis at an unusual angle from the giver’s body (i.e. pointing downwards) care should be taken to not strain the penis further than it is comfortably capable of flexing!

Universal Soldier: Regeneration

This variation of Doggy Style position is straightforward; the receiver is on all fours (but with legs closed), with their partner crouches holding on to the receiver’s bottom or sides. Although Bulldog is popular with most givers, some receivers need time to open up to it due to the lack of face-to-face contact. That being said, once they do, they usually become big fans of it as well.

Weapon

The Cradle position is very similar to the Bridge, with the receiver’s feet planted and arms behind/below them to hold their upper body off the bed or couch, while their partner enters from a kneeling position. The difference from Bridge is mostly the lesser angle of lean back of the receiver’s body and therefore the lower degree of difficulty.

Lost In The Attic: The Toys That Time Forgot Part 9

Pirates of Dark Water

podw

Pirates of Dark Water

This show was so good but the toys were so bad. I don’t even think the arms bent and I know the legs didn’t. What the hell is that about? Its an action figure, dudes, it should be able to participate in actions other than standing and perhaps pointing.

Power Lords

powerlords

Power Lords

This is just raw, , marketing goodness.  Toy company (Revell) creates a new action figure line. Company hires sci-fi writer to launch back story. Company launches comic book, board game, video game, jigsaw puzzle and coloring books based on toy. Company does not make a tv show, no one gives a shit about toy.  Its unfortunate really because the toys were pretty decently made and lets be honest, James Cameron at least owned that guy up there right? Avatar? Anyone?

Robin Hood – Prince of Thieves

rhpot

Robin Hood

These toys were awful. As in, couldn’t even sell them in the discount bin at K-Mart awful.  Who wants a Kevin Costner toy? The figures were too small to interact with any other popular toy lines at the time and for a poor kid, that’s a fuckin deal breaker, the play sets and vehicles were shitty and flimsy and most of the figures looked like they just finished dancing over at the “Tool Box”.


Jeffery Jones, America’s Greatest Actor?

Yeah, remember me? I'm a bad ass. And...would you like to pose nude?

Ask yourself, what makes a great actor? For me, its some one who can stir an emotion in you no matter what type of role they’re playing. Some one who is so comfortable in any role that they make you believe that might actually be how they are in real life, some one who constantly gets work.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I realize the guy I am about to go into detail about is a registered sex offender for trying to get dudes to pose naked for him…real young dudes, and sold untaxed cigarettes and weed for some extra scratch but this isn’t about America’s greatest person, this is simply based on talent.

Jeffery Jones is listed as being in 66 roles over at IMDB, but I am only going to focus on the ones I have actually seen.

Now before I go on, some of you may be looking at that picture up there and thinking “damn, that guy looks familiar, I know I have seen him in a lot of things but I can’t remember what.” Well, lets see, You may remember him as Dick Nelson in Mom and Dad Save the World, one of the greatest movies of all time. You may remember him as Spike, a.k.a. The Devil in Stay Tuned, another of my favorites.  Perhaps you remember him as Eddie Barzoon, a character even more despicable than the Devil in The Devil’s Advocate, which is the only movie I don’t want to stab Keanu Reeves in.

Don’t remember him in any of those? Ok, fine, other than The Devil’s Advocate I can see how you may not  have seen the others but what about Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice? Yes, Bettle…woah…that was close.  Any way in Bettle…ya know, he played the weird as dad of the family that bought the house.  Still nothing huh?

Two words.

Ed.

Rooney.

Ed Rooney, The man could crush my balls into oblivion. Jeffery Jones’s most memorable role is easily as the crazy-ass Ferris hunting principal in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Now you remember. If you don’t, stop reading because you’re too young and too stupid to get anything about this blog.

Some other great movies this guy was in include The Hunt For Red October, Who’s Harry Crumb (a personal favorite and another overlooked gem), Ed Wood, The Gambler 3, Sleepy Hollow, George Washington 2: George Washingtoner, Howard the Fucking Duck and Transylvania 6-5000

Jones also has some extensive voice work credentials as well. Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man, Eek! the Cat, Batman, Aaahh!!! Real Monsters and Invader Zim.

So in summary, Child porn and untaxed cigarette selling, very, very bad but Ferris Bueller, and Mom and Dad Save The World, very, very good.

 

Moments in Black History from the Future Written by a White Guy.

Hey kids, its black history month. We here at Hey Stupid are a small staff of three people and a few contributing writers and I will admit it, none of us are black. This wasn’t by design and I would love to have more culturally diverse input on the site but the truth is, we don’t pay anything, we have no money and in general we’re all lazy ass holes and very hard to work with.  What I am getting at is people, no matter what their race, aren’t exactly clamoring to work here.

That doesn’t mean we can’t help celebrate Black History Month and there’s only one way we know how to do it…SciFi style.

What's a Nubian?

Lots of people talk about how there is a lack of great
black characters in sci-fi but that’s horse shit. The problem isn’t
that there aren’t any great black sci-fi characters. Almost every
black sci-fi character is well-written and fantastic! The problem is,
there are far too many shitty white characters. Let’s take a look at
some of the bad ass space brothas and sistas out there.

There's some juicy colonists' daughters we have to rescue from their virginity!

Name:  Sergeant Al Apone
Occupation: Gunnery Sergeant-  USCM
Claim to Fame:  Apone was the second in command but true leader of the squad of space jar-heads going into the hive at  Hadley’s Hope.

Not only was Al the glue that held this team together, but he used a
flame-thrower to torch a little alien bastard after it popped out of
some unlucky colonist’s chest.

Sadly, Al was snatched up by the Aliens; but, this guy was such a hard
ass that the Aliens didn’t kill him…it took a mighty explosion to put
his ass down.

I do not expect you to understand. You are a Romulan.

Name:  Worf, son of Mogh
Occupation: Lieutenant Commander- Starfleet United Federation of Planets/ Ambassador to the Klingon Empire.
Claim to Fame:  Being the first Klingon people got to see that wasn’t a dick.

When the average Trek watcher sat down and tuned in to Star Trek:TNG
and saw a filthy Klingon in the crew, no one knew what to think. These
guys were assholes! Major assholes!

But thanks to the actions and resolve of Worf, we all learned to love
one another and give the ridge heads a chance. Countless times Worf put
himself in great personal danger for captain and crew and has worked
tirelessly to improve the relations between the Klingons and the rest
of the galaxy…who still think those guys are dicks.

They don't make very good eating, your excellency.

Name:  Ker
Occupation: Deputy Commander of the Psychlo Earth Outpost
Claim to Fame: Joining the humans in their fight against the tyranny of John Travolta…I mean Terl.

Sure, this guy was kind of an ass through most of the film, but that’s
only because his boss was such a ball buster. In the end, Ker sided with
right over might and helped the humans bring down their oppressors and
end this terrible, awful movie.

Commence station log.

Name:  Benjamin Sisko
Occupation: Commander- Starfleet United Federation of Planets
Claim to Fame: Running Deep Space 9, Being black Jesus.

I am not going to go into all the detail and back story of Ben Sisko
because DS9 was a pretty decent show and you should watch it on your
own. But here is what you need to know: Sisko took a job he didn’t want,
in what was essentially a space ghetto because he was a single dad and
wanted to provide for his son. He traveled through a worm hole where he
finds out he’s basically Jesus to a bunch of aliens in their canon of
religious beliefs. He then leads the space ghetto to become the central
hub of trade and knowledge in the United Federation of Planets.

Now if that weren’t enough ol’ Sisko figures out he really is Black
Jesus and ends up defeating space Satan in a fist fight by sacrificing
himself in a sea of fire. Holy shit. Need more? Black Space Jesus’s
last words were essentially, “I’ll be back”.

This party's over.

Name: Mace Windu
Occupation: Jedi Master. Bad ass.
Claim to Fame: Basic, motherfucker! Do you speak it?

Mace Windu was the first character to ever speak in a Star Wars movie. Did you know that? According to Mr. Flannelbeard a.k.a. George Lucas, Mace Windu was originally created to narrate A New Hope, back when it was still called Star Wars and was supposed to be the voice telling the story. Over the course of re-drafting the scripts Mace was left out but when the opportunity arose to get him in Episode 1, he was there.

Mace was one of the last masters of the Jedi order before the Jedi were made “all but extinct” and was bad ass enough to actually be respected by Yoda. Mace carried a purple light-saber because he’s so bad, he could even fuck you up with purple!

Windu then goes on to kick the Emperor’s ass. Did you read that? Kick the Emperor’s ass. Mace Windu was bitch-slapping the bejesus out of the Sith lord until he was double-crossed and blasted out a window.

I'm just a nice guy at heart.

Name: Geordi La Forge
Occupation: Lieutenant Commander- Starfleet United Federation of Planets
Claim to Fame: Starship mechanic, kind of being the one really responsible for humans not being the backwoods hillbillies of space anymore.

When most people think of Geordi La Forge, admittedly, they probably think of that half a hub cap he wore over his eyes but he was so much more than that. Geordi started off as one of the “drivers” of the Enterprise, which is a job that can easily done by robots and children, but ended up getting promoted to being the HNIC of the engine room.

On top of that, when the crew went back in time to drink booze with the first man to break the warp barrier, rather than get to have fun and hang out, Geordi was the cat fixin the busted as ship that got the attention of the rest of the Galaxy  and got us welcomed into the UFoP.

Message, Captain!

Name: Nyota Uhura
Occupation: Communications Officer, Commander- Starfleet United Federation of Planets
Claim to Fame: First African American woman in space. Being the baddest baby in the at-mos-phere.

Some people think that Uhura was just a sexy sista strapped to a space phone taking calls for Kirk, but that’s not at all true. I mean all of those things are true, but she was much more than just that. Uhura, which literally means freedom, by the way, was a strong, intelligent, sexy female that kept the male dominated crew of the enterprise on their toes and was given loads of respect by her crew-mates for it. She was never treated as just a woman.

Now, lets talk about the cultural impact. This was a woman in an important role in the 60’s. This was a black woman, who wasn’t a house maid or a nanny, in an important role, on a TV show, in the 60’s. This was a woman, asked personally by Dr. Martin Luther King to stay on Star Trek because of the amazing role model she was creating.

 

Stop trying to hit me and hit me.

Name: Morpheus
Occupation: Captain- Nebuchadnezzar
Claim to Fame: Convincing Keanu Reeves he was a worthwhile individual.

Morpheus was a captain of a patrol ship and the leader of its crew in a post-apocalyptic world.  Lets face it, that would probably be bad enough, but not for Morpheus. No, he was the guy charged with finding and training the guy that would eventually save the world. So, by the transitive property of world saving, Morpheus saved the entire world.

You truly belong here with us among the clouds.

Name: Lando Calrissian
Occupation:  General/Space Hustler
Claim to Fame: Bad ass gambler, king of a floating city, General, crusher of Imperial dreams.

Lando started off as a gambler who flew around in the Millennium Falcon, which lets admit it is the most bad ass, non-star destroyer ship in all those movies. Then he gets board with it and gives it to his buddy Han, and basically saves Han’s life from sucking forever because of it.  Rather than get a new ship and cruise around in that, Lando decides to go to a gas mining city and be the king/mayor/head pimp.

When he gets board with that gig, he double-crosses Darth Vader, for fun, just because he can, infiltrates Jaba’s palace to help assassinate that space slug, becomes a General in the rebellion against the Empire, and then, just for shits and giggles, teams up with vagina face critter…TO BLOW UP THE GOD DAMNED DEATH STAR!!!

Happy Black History Month!

 

 

What the hell is going on in China Grove?

Apparently there is a city in Texas, just east of San Antonio where all logic is just hurled out the window and is replaced by flying religious folks and educators, the oppressive Japanese shogun/samurai/sword-wielding/sheriff and his friends harass the locals on ethnic grounds and no one gives a shit they’re in Texas.

That or the Doobie Brothers were INCREDIBLY fucking high. I know the answer is the latter, by in my heart and in my boner, I like to believe it is the former.

In ’73 those Damn Doobies put out the album “The Captain and Me” which featured a little ballad about the aforementioned Texas hamlet of China Grove.

Though the song is pretty catchy, there is a 100% chance that not a single Doobie has EVER physically been to China Grove, no matter how many times they think they floated threw there on a slow moving ganja rocket.

The song was written by the band’s original lead singer Tommy Johnston, so Michael McDonald, though you are guilty for an unspeakable amount of musical atrocities, you’re off the hook for this one, buddy.

Don't blame me, I didn't write this shit.

So lets take a look at the lyrics here and see if we can figure out, just what exactly the fuck, is going on in China Grove.

When the sun comes up on a sleepy little town
Down around San Antone

Not off to a bad start so far. This could be a tale about the wild west or adventures through Texas or Lone Star independence, or just a small town near San Antonio.

And the folks are risin’ for another day
‘Round about their homes

Nothing out of the ordinary yet, people waking up, getting breakfast, doin’ their thing.
The people of the town are strange
And they’re proud of where they came
Well, you’re talkin’ ’bout China Grove
Oh, China Grove

Ok, so the people of the town are apparently a little weird but really, who isn’t a little weird? Plus, they have home town pride, nothing wrong with that. They only way to know where you’re going is to know where you came from.

Well, the preacher and the teacher
Lord, they’re a caution
They are the talk of the town

When the gossip gets to flyin’

And they ain’t lyin’
When the sun goes fallin’ down

Still nothing too strange yet. Maybe I am over-reacting.  This line was just about the local holy man and an educator spreading gossip. Maybe not the most pious thing, but it happens and in small towns, people do love they’re gossip.

This is the last part of the song that makes any sense.

They say that the father’s insane
And dear Missus Perkin’s a game

So the priest is crazy and the teacher’s a whore? Is this indicative of all of China Grove?
We’re talkin’ ’bout the China Grove
Oh, China Grove

Apparently so.

But every day there’s a new thing comin’
The ways of an oriental view

Here’s how I see this whole thing going down, Tommy and the boys were on tour, in Texas, stoned out of their minds at the Alamo, or maybe the river-walk, and they get in the car and see a sign for China Grove and Tommy goes “Texas has a China town? Awesome. I want some General Tso, make it five star” and passes out in the back seat assuming that every resident of China Grove is obviously Chinese.
The sheriff and his buddies
With their samurai swords
You can even hear the music at night

Except for sheriff Takanamma and his Ronin, well I guess technically they wouldn’t be “Ronin” if they worked for the sheriff, but they are Samurai, right? Hey Doobies, the Samurai were Japanese. I’m assuming you just wanted the imaginary version of China Grove to be ethnically diverse and weren’t just being stereotypical.

And though it’s a part of the Lone Star State
People don’t seem to care
They just keep on lookin’ to the East

WHAT DOES THIS SONG EVEN MEAN?!?! Are the Doobie Brothers trying to insinuate that the residents of China Grove are a secret red Chinese army preparing to invade the rest of America?

Talkin’ ’bout the China Grove
Oh, China Grove

Hey there you greasy bastards

Daddy’s home kiddos.

So what has the Hey Stupid universe been up to since the last time I gave a shit to check in with all of you assholes? I am still getting plenty of emails from the dumb shits that actually take this site seriously, so to that I say, thank you for actually being retarded enough to take the time to not only read my bull shit blog but then responding to me as if you think I have any interest in what you have to say.

So what is in store for the world’s most fantastic website in the year 2012? Well I am not really sure. I am working on a new lust list, probably going to review some albums, get drunk and masturbate in my basement, and talk a whole lot about how awesome KISS is.  There will probably be some more Mum-ra and Krang comics since I know you ass holes eat that up as well as documentations of some of the Hey Stupid road trips.

So long for now. I hate you all.

SNYDER: AFTERPARTY

Where can you get 6 SNYDER studio albums 2 SNYDER live albums and a SNYDER DVD all in one place? AFTERPARTY: The Official SNYDER box set. AFTERPARTY includes the five classic SNYDER albums, Just The Tip, Pant Like A Dog, Come Inside, All Over Your Face and Come Again all completely remastered with all new cover art and 10 never before released bonus tracks PER ALBUM! That’s 50 never before available new songs. Plus, you get SNYDER’s final studio Album THRUSTER as well as the DVD, Keep Em Coming about the complete history of the band with two bonus hours of concert footage from the Farewell Tour. You also get the live albums Alive in 05,from the 2005 Still Hard Reunion tour and LIVE ‘TIL DEATH from the final SNYDER concert ever, the last stop on the Farewell Tour back where it all began in Liberty Park.

In 1983 SNYDER released Just The Tip, it was well-received by fans and though hated by critics it topped the American Billboard 200chart. The album still remains the fastest-selling debut album in the history of the world ever.

Original Cover Art

King Dut stated in 1985 that many of the songs featured on the album had been written while the band had been living in a cave down near Beaver stadium. This probably isn’t true though just as the claim that Joe Paternois actually King Dut’s father is a flat out lie.

Closer to the truth is probably a quote from Turbo in a 1999 Hit Parader interview, “Dut, Cimba and I were sitting down at the Ranger on a back table drinkin sixers of Straub and terrorizing little kids for their ice cream. While we sat there we started shouting things at the chicks coming out of the high school and Dut wrote it all down and made it rhyme.

Remastered Box Set Cover Art

SNYDER entered Willow Beach studios in March of 1982 to begin work on the album. Production was delayed for a time as Cimba’s wrist was fractured on the third day fo recording, doctor’s said it probably wouldn’t have happened if his wrists weren’t so limp.

Production got back on track in September and on June 7th, 1983 Just The Tip was released.

Just The Tip

I have to be honest, this is one of my favorites. This song is not only the perfect opener for the album, but the perfect opener for SNYDER’s career. A 54 second sering guitar solo fades into a build up of the band leading into a long scream from King Dut which then smashes into your ear drums with the lyric, “Your mama should have warned you ’bout guys like me, I’m a snake in the grass, love the way you shake your ass, baby you got just what I need”.

The song stays in high gear through the bridge and into the lead where Bodie Mann and Turbo duel for guitar supremacy where the major winner is the listener. Dut then delivers the most memorable vocal performance of his entire career and the song ends leaving you wanting, dare I say needing, more.

Ramrod

One of the few musical gems completely written by Cimba, Ramrod tells the tale of a man who may or may not have raped another person that may or may not have been alive at the time of the raping and may or may not have been another man. The song is cryptic, full of double meanings and a little gay…just like Cimba.

Lickin’ Up Your Love Juice

Intricate bass lines, difficult finger work and trademark “bass barking” technique all blend together to weave a beautiful, mystical tapestry. A tapestry that grabs you be the side of the head and ear fucks your brain into a state of rock n’ roll never achieved before this album by any band ever.

Dut drops in a vocal performance that is both animalistc and unpredictable while maintaining a sort of chaotic beauty while Bodie and Turbo both deliver hot riffs over Cimba’s steady back beat. This is a solid rocker any way you slice it.

Take It Off, Get It On

KISS had “Rock N’ Roll All Night”, Guns N’ Roses had “Welcome To The Jungle” and Led Zeppelin had “Whole Lotta Love”, but none have ever rivaled the intensity, the power and the insanity set forth by Take It Off, Get It On.

“Loose women in tight jeans always make me feel good, long legs in a little dress got me sproutin wood, baby take off that shirt, I promise this won’t hurt, at least not as much as it could” has become one of the most recognizable lines in the history of hard rock thanks to Dut’s vocal stylings and perfect delivery.

In Her Eyes

The fifth track on the album is “In Her Eyes”. This song is instantly offensive. With a title and an intro that make it sound like it could be a love song, after 20 seconds it breaks into screaming guitars and lyrics about receiving oral sex in a filthly bus station bathroom stall from a girl with no teeth. “She took out her dentures and she got on her knees, then she looked up at me and said, ‘put it where you please’” and “Sometimes I aim for the chest, sometimes I slap it on their thighs, but this little lady had it all in her eyes” are just an example of the type of lyrics that fill this song. Bodie Mann does execute what is probably his best and tightest solo on the album in this track.

Party In The Bush

The controversy surrounding this song almost kept the album from being released entirely. An early recording of this song was stolen from the studio by an angered ex-employee and was distributed through a boot leg network. The lyrics to this song were so filthy, so vile and depraved that one young man who was studying to be a minister left the seminary removed all of his clothing and for three weeks tormented the Lower East Side as the “Manhattan Masturbator”. When authorities finally apprehended him he was screaming the lyrics to Party In The Bush and had a crazed look in his eyes. He had allegedly smeared his own semen on 108 women.

As for the song itself it is always a crowd favorite.

Backseat Girl

Originally written by Turbo for Jackie Fox, formerly of the Runaways Turbo decided to keep the song after a messy affair with Fox. The song begins as a slow acoustic jam and for the first half leads the listener to believe it is an instrumental until Dut calmly states, “If its got tits or tires it’ll cost you money and piss you off” and then screams “OH SHE’S A BACKSEAT GIRRRRRRRRRRL”.

The second half of the song is the most guitar heavy of any on the album, featuring nine different guitar riffs, a chorus riff, a lyrical riff, seven leads and a bridge with a healthy scoop of feedback at the end. Groz took his bass for a walk in what Bass Player magazine called one of the defining bass lines of the 1980′s and Cimba’s drumming was so intense that Pete Townshend was once quoted as saying, “If Mooney (Kieth Moon) had lived long enough to hear the way Cimba smacked those skins he would have killed himself in a fit of jealousy”.

Dut was the icing on this musical cake, laying down vocals that can instantly make a woman’s panties moist. His vocal range was far beyond any of his peers including Freddy Mercury and Ronnie James Dio.

Bacon and Legs

The only song on the album to showcase Dut playing an instrument features King blowing on a harmonica. This classic track is soaked in southern rock style with more of a metal edge and spins a yarn about a sexual romp with a busty female police officer.

Bonus Tracks:
Jacket Off
Bumrush
Blastoff
Hey Mama (Yo Mama)
Daughter of a preacher Man
I can’t wait to be Able to Afford Cocaine
Hooskow (Whose Cow?)
Zipperlips
In the Valley
Pant Like A Dog is the second studio album by American hard rock band SNYDER. Released in 1984, it showed a slightly different musical direction, perhaps of new guitarist Nasty, a more metal direction. The album has been certified diamond (plus 18x platinum) by the RIAA,accumulating worldwide sales in excess of thirty-three million.

Original Cover Art

Pant Like A Dog debuted at number 7 and climbed the charts all the way to number 2 where it stayed for 51 weeks. It is the favorite album of Nasty to this day.

Remastered Box Set Cover Art

Just before the start of the Japanese and Australian tour founding lead guitarist Bodie Mann was fired from the band. His replacement would be Nasty, a guitarist and porno collector from Texas with a long history of playing in metal bands or at least, pretending too.

Since 90% of the songs for the album were written while on the road the album reflects more on the “rock and roll” life style. Songs such as “IHOP” and “The Tight Stuff” showcase the rampant and devious sex parties the group became known for while songs like “Its 4AM, Where’s My Bicycle?” and “Whiskey Dicked” bring to light the unworldly amount of liquor the band consumed.

Turbo, and Nasty actually wrote most of the music and lyrics to this album while Dut would come in, change a couple of words, drink a fifth of vodka, have sex with an ugly prostitue and then take a writing credit.

Down at the IHOP (International House of Pussy)

The first track on the album, IHOP was also the first single put out to promote the album. Rolling Stone called the song “Oversexed, Underthought and obviously written by someone who’s never had sex”, yet still ranked it one of the best songs of 1984 one year later.

With lyrics like, “Well the blacker the berry, they say the sweeter the juice, and all the little asian girls you, you know they’re loose. I love the pink tacos of the Mexican chicks and Polish girls really love my dick. Indian broads, the do or the feather, doesn’t really matter it don’t get no better” and mind melting guitar riffs from both Turbo and Nasty this song is everything an 80’s metal song should be and more.

Alabama Slammer!

Rumor has it that this song was originally written for the Smokey and the Bandit 3 soundtrack but the band refused to let them use it after they saw how shitty the movie was.

If the theme from Shaft had been written by a bunch of white dudes drunk on SoCo and high on a mountain of cocaine, this is what it would sound like. In a later interview Dut was quoted as saying, “I didn’t know what the hell this shit was. I mean, I got into the booth, heard the music and my pelvis started pulsating like I was butt fucking some girl who’s face I didn’t want to see. They had some kind of lyrics for me about, I dunno, dancing or sleeping or some bullshit, I wrote new lyrics that kicked ass”.

Number on the Wall

This track starts off with a thundering drum solo by the track’s writer Cimba. The solo eventually breaks down into a steady beat where Groz starts laying down a disco-esquegroove on the bass. Turbo and Nasty come in full force with a dual octave lead which ends when Dut starts delivering a wail from deep in his bowels.

In a 2001 interview on The House of Hair Cimba talked about how he came up with the idea for the song, “We were on the road, somewhere between Davenort and Cedar Rapids, Iowa when we pulled into this big truck stop. I went into the shitter to take a dump and on the wall of the stall amidst the Nazi symbols and limericks was something that said, ‘Dan, Wanna suck it’ then it listed his number. Everyone always thought this song was about hooking up with a woman and rocking her world when really it was about me calling up this dude Dan and sucking him off ’til he sprayed all over my face. Ha ha ha”.

Whiskey Dicked

The fist track written entirely by Nasty, it reaches out right through your speakers and sucker punching you in the ear, nose and throat this is Whiskey Dicked!

The old school metal is hot and heavy and is comin’ at ya fast n’ furious like a freight train screamin’ through the night and crashing into an orphanage setting all the little parent-less kids on fire and body slamming the survivors. This song is nothing short of a masterpiece and probably the best example of Dut’s vocal abilities in his entire career, he hits notes that people previously didn’t even know existed. Turbo, Groz and Cimba all build a strong platform for Nasty to stand upon and make his guitar scream into the heavens and ear rape god.

Dr. Beefhammer

Opening with a bayou-inspired slide guitar line by Turbo and featuring off-kilter drum syncopations from Cimba, it’s a strange bluesy tune that sort of says to you, “does this rag smell like Chloroform” just before it knocks you out. When you come too you’re bound and gagged in the trunk of an old Caddy being driven straight to hell and up the Devil’s asshole by the true masters of metal.

Rock My Rocket

HUGE guitars on this one. It’s all about the rumbling, rolling riffs here. The six-string work is nothing short of smokin’ for the track’s duration. all strutting-guitars, solid play from the rhythm section and grooving vocals from King Dut. There’s little of the huge vocal hooks that you expect from SNYDER at this juncture but there’s still plenty of the band’s trademark hip-swinging grooves and funk-laden swagger.

The brilliance in the third verse of the song, just before the bridge, can’t really be explained without the music behind it, but here is the lyric,

“You may be a smitten kitten, but I got better things with lower inhibitions to do. You know how to get on your knees, but only to pray, and that ain’t what I need from you. Your sister kissed her then she gave her a lick and my head started to spin. If you wanna rock my rocket, girl show up wearin’ nothin’ but a grin!”

The Tight Stuff

It is popular belief that every metal album needs to feature a ballad but that belief is proven wrong. This song was written by Groz and Noah on the back of a Shoney’s napkin and features some of the most complex bass playing of Groz’s career. This track isn’t as “in your face” as the other tracks on the album, but it is by no means a “ballad” or a “slow jam”, it just moves at a different pace.

This was one of the last tracks to actually be recorded and both Dut and Turbo make a poor showing on this track as they were both soaked in alcohol and too busy chasing skeezy strippers to give proper performances.

Its 4AM, Where’s My Bicycle

King Dut and Turbo were known to the world as “The Booze Brothers” for the longest time and this song plays out like the story of their decent into alcoholism set to music. According to Groz and Bodie Mann, this track was written at the beginning of the tour, before Bodie was fired. The band had just finished a show in Branson, Mo and Dut and Turbs were down at the hotel bar. A group of guys from the Pagans Motorcycle Club recognized the two and invited them to ride with them to a local strip club. At the club details blur, but according to legend and the song Dut and Turb engaged the Pagans in a series of drinking games and won. As a prize the Pagans offered use of their club house for Dut and Turbs to “bone strippers and get their dicks wet”.

A few hours later Dut and Turbo were walking down the side of the interstate, Dut naked except for a sombrero and Turbo wearing only a pair of mismatched cowboy boots and a Jim Morrison style belt. A police officer picked them up and took them to the station and when Dut made his one phone call he drunk dialed Amber of Amber and the Bum Rushers and said “It’s 4AM, where’s my bicycle?” then demanded a sponge bath using hot Italian wedding soup and hung up the phone.

Love Burns

This is a track about what one can only describe as “neck herpes”. Lets not go into it.

Pant Like A Dog

Dut and Cimba wrote and recorded a demo of this song years before, just after the break up of C.R.O.Y.L.E. and completely forgot about it. They found the demo in the bottom of a box marked “used magazines” in Cimba’s attic under a stack of muscle building magazines.

Dut and Nasty take turns hitting high notes, Dut with his mouth and Noah on the guitar, to start this track off and it makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. It all slowly builds on itself until the volume cranks up on Cimba and Groz in the mix and Turbo joins Nasty in leading the listener on a musical, guitar driven adventure.

Dut sounds as though he has a certain sadness in his voice as he delivers the lyrics to this song which really helps to capture the mood of the solemn experience they are talking about…porking a fatty.

Bonus Tracks:
Itchy
Girl Can Rock
Rock the Rock
Lets Rock Baby
Motor City Rock
Skirts
Thigh High
So Wet
In the Sack
Rock More Rock

The band rented the Winchester Mystery House to record their next album, Come Inside and moved in to begin work. Progress moved slowly though as Dut and Turbo would spend most of their time drinking and fighting, on most occasions, dragging Cimba into the fights.

Original Cover Art

After nearly a year of recording, drinking, fighting, being arrested, breaking up and getting back together SNYDER released, Come Inside, which is without a doubt their most successful album to date.

Remastered Box Set Cover Art

Come Inside is the third studio album by American hard rock band SNYDER. Released in 1987, the album featured a heavy focus on the use of a keyboard in the songs. The album has been certified diamond (plus 18x platinum) by the RIAA, accumulating worldwide sales in excess of thirty-three million.

Turbo Charger, well-known for his guitar prowess but also a classically-trained pianist, used Come Inside as an opportunity to take the band into different territory. Additionally, Come Inside was the first SNYDER album to be recorded at the Winchester Mystery House. Turbo Charger’s keyboard playing is more prominent on Come Inside than on any prior SNYDER album.

The title track “Come Inside” has become one of the band’s signature songs and has been used in over 173 movie soundtracks and called the greatest song in the history of recorded music ever.

The album’s original release credits all songs to Turbo Charger, King Dut and Joe Paterno. Songs from this album which appeared on compilations released after a royalty renegotiation with the band’s label Fauq Eue Records(Best of SNYDER, GREAT ASS TITS.) and a lawsuit brought by King Dut (during the preparations for the Youth In Asia album) were credited to Turbo Charger, King Dut, Cimba and Nasty with Paterno’s name removed from the credits.

Like many bands starting out on their career, SNYDER shared songwriting credit equally between all members (including guitar instrumentals, which were clearly composed only by Turbo Charger), but subsequent claims would lend credibility to the view that all songs were entirely or predominantly written by Turbo Charger (music) and King Dut (lyrics and vocal melody).

Track Listing:
Ton O’ Tongue
I wanna be (inside you)
Wherever the ROAD may HEAD
Black Girls
Ball Game
Hair In My Teeth
Come Inside
Right There
Slippin in the Shower
Will You Come Again?

Bonus Tracks:
Two Ton O’ Tongue
Mom Boobs
Two Drink Minimum
Pay The Rent (With Sex)
Hard On Me
Pay For Sex (With Rent)
Smells Like Shit
Homeless Girl
Fresh Cookie

Dut was obsessed with the fact that KISS wasn’t wearing their make up anymore and suggested for their next album that SNYDER put on makeup of their own. Rather than go into rehab, the band decided the key was to drink and do drugs MORE to try and reach another stage of thought. To further complicate things Dut, Turbo and Cimba refused to be in the same place together at the same time, so their parts were quite literally phoned in.

Original Cover Art

The result was the less than stellar, All Over Your Face album. Fan support was at an all time high so the album sold well and Cimba was quoted as saying at one point, “The entire album could be just a recording of me sodomizing a bass guitar and the world would love it.” SNYDER was ripping apart at the seems.

Remastered Box Set Cover Art

Track Listing:
All Over Your Face
Blown Out
Youe Should See Her Box
This song’s About Sex
Nose Job
8ITALL
Sting Ring

Bonus Tracks:
Walk Of Shame
Cab Fair
That aint my Kid
Van Halen Sucks
Balls to the Wall (cover)
Back Hand
Bible Beater
Fresh Meat
Get Out of My Bed
No Candy For You

MTV news host, Kurt Loder decided to use the full weight of the network to plead with Dut, Cimba, Turbo and Nasty, excluding Bodie as no one ever liked him, to put the band back together going so far as to issue an open invitation on the air to play one show at MTV studios for $1 Million USD.

Two weeks later  Nasty went on MTV news and begged King Dut, Cimba and Turbo Charger to put aside their differences and do the show. Fan response was so great that for 3 weeks straight the only videos played on TRL were from SNYDER. Dut and Cimba agreed to join up with Nasty and Groz to do an MTV Unplugged show.

Finally the night came around, Dec. 8 2002. Nasty was at the venue warming up when the door opened and Cimba walked in. Next to enter was King Dut. There was no sign of Turbo and as show time approached the band agreed to go on without him.
The curtain rose, the band took the stage and seconds later Turbo walked out, shook hands with Dut and Cimba and the band seemed to have a magic to them that they hadn’t had since 1983.

On August 28th 2005 the hard rock/heavy metal group SNYDER gave a press conference on the deck of the USS. Geroge Washington to announce their full tour schedule and details of the tour.

Alive in '05

The SNYDER line up for the tour was King Dut, Turbo Charger, Cimba and Nasty as well as aditional musicians such as Brett “One For The Money Wilson” on keyboard, Joe “The Darkness Chulick” on percussion and a chorus of back up singers.

Come Again is the 2009 release and “comeback” album by American hard rock band, SNYDER.
Burning Bush

Original Cover Art

Given the eleven years since their last barely passable studio album – 1997’s Fisting For Compliments it seemed unlikely that SNYDER would ever release another album of new material.

Remastered Box Set Cover Art

Seemingly invigorated by a huge recent upsurge in interest in their hefty back catalogue by the younger generation of rock listeners into the studio they went, and six weeks later emerged armed with Come Again. However, we didn’t expect them to knock one out of the park this early with this heaving, sweating lump of fabulous groove straight from 1985. “Take It Off” are the first words to exit King Dut’s mouth and immediately our ears are pricked to what is not stylistically a typical SNYDER track, a circular, bass heavy riff driving everything along. The net result is your immediate desire to renew that direct debit to the’ SNYDER Brigade’ while arranging to graft eight or more inches of surplus off your backside on to your tongue—it really is that good.

Deeper, Harder, Wetter, Hotter

The first of Turbo Charger’s vocal contributions and as they go, this isn’t at all bad. In fact the years have been pretty kind to the ‘god of humpin’, and his voice has actually developed more than a semblance of melody. It’s raw, punchy and lyrically the usual innuendo ridden stuff “give the crank a yank, get my motor runnin” etc, which we’ve heard often before but here’s it’s done with a freshness of attitude that’s been absent for a long, long time.

Don’t Pay To Play

Classic SNYDER and this could easily fit into their live set without being noticed as a brand new track. King Dut seems to have done some kind of ‘Benjamin Button’ reverse ageing thing with his vocals because he sounds every bit as energetic as he did back in their 80’s heyday. Nasty Noah too has slotted in nicely as an Bodie replacement but without all the ‘space’ and its associated discordant rambling solos. This is obvious single material, if such things exist anymore, and is SNYDER at their best. They’ve remarkably managed to summon the best attributes of their past without sounding dated, while at the same time making it all sound relevant to now—brilliant.

Too Druck to Funk

Groz’s rumbling bass drives this fairly standard SNYDER number along in a way that it hasn’t for years (apparently he was really motivated in the studio) Not just that, Cmba sings too, and tunefully does it. Chunky and not overly overdriven guitar combined with that satisfying emphasis on bass give this a solid feel with some more good-time, tail chasing lyrics, as you’d expect…

Rigid

This one will completely divide opinions. Initially a straight-ahead rocker in the vein of the classic ‘Just The Tip’ which at no time threatens to dissolve into a ‘Stain The Sheets’ or ‘Rusty Trombone’ type anthem; until it does exactly that with a cheesy, cheesy chorus which no other band on the planet would get away with. Not content with that, it even dives into a multi-vocal layered mid section before returning to the huge stadium rock chorus which you could imagine appearing in some awful teen movie. Though it works, it’s probably one of the lone stray chunks of rock ‘n’ roll fromage on here and probably the closest relative to some of their late 80s and early 90s howlers.

She’s Grown Up With Her Panties Down

Cowbell-accented drums and more classroom innuendo punctuate this chunk of typical SNYDER fodder. It all sounds very live and not in any way over-produced (seemingly no Pro-Tools were used anywhere on the record). “Put your ankles near your ears and get ready to accept” should give you some idea of what Turbo’s referring to and the song’s easily good enough to forgive him such childishly dated folly.

I Like It (The Taste of Love)

Drummer Cimba, who has assuredly hammered out rock-solid backing thus far, lends a hand on vocal duties with fabulous result. This is absolutely solid gold stuff reminiscent of Pant Like A Dog era SNYDER, but with the nastier edge Noah’s solo is absolutely killer too – what talent he’s brought to the band.

Sweatin’ In The Night

“Sweatin in the night, Drippin down my chest, Get down on ya knees and do what you do best!”— terrible, terrible lyrics but again the track bails itself out of the mire in grand style. Starting with a quietly picked guitar intro before fading satisfyingly (why do bands not fade-in much these days?) Aerosmith like riff and King Dut’s most effective vocal outing on the record. You get the impression that they’re all really enjoying this stuff and again Groz’s sonorous bass rumble is very much in evidence, aidded by Turbos’s own production.

Donkey Punchers Inc.

A huge, lumbering riff of Zeppelin-esque (‘Dazed and Confused’ springs to mind) proportions and another King Dut vocal characterize this beast of a track bristling with stalker menace. Similar in nature to let’s say ‘Thrust Bone’ off Come Inside it stomps emphatically all over some of the tedious filler of recent albums. This is fast becoming King Dut’s showpiece and surely his richest vein of contribution in their history.

Give ‘er The Shocker

‘Musical singers’ continues with guitarist Nasty Noah wrestling control of the mic this time around. He in no way disappoints, dialing in a pretty effective vocal effort that many more established singers would die for. More cowbells and a riff that’s been done before give way to a straight-forward bridge/chorus. The closest you’d get to ‘stock’ material but in the context of the quality of the album generally that’s probably being overly critical.

Come Again

When we expect filler we get utter killer, and if you’re not singing this in the car or the bath you’ve no business whatsoever reading this review. Again, King Dut’s vocals are a revelation – wielding an insanely addictive hook reminiscent of ‘In The Wet Spot’ from the All Over Your Face era but much, much better. Nasty’s solo is brilliant too and sounds like the god’s having sex; fitting the song brilliantly and carrying no excess fret flab whatsoever.

Bonus Tracks:
Hands On (The Ballad of Cherrie)
Pretty Kitty
Two For One
Load Master
This One’s Gonna Cost Me
Dropped Outta School To Work The Pole
HiJinx
Only Legal In Mexico
Here it Comes
Volcano (Better Than Eruption (Eddie Van Halen Can Suck It))

When long time SNYDER fan Dave Mustaine heard the band was going to be spending at least two months working in the studio writing songs and rehearsing before actually recording he suggested they bring in world-renowned film maker Clyde Lingenfelter to make a documentary about the band.

When Clyde arrived at the compound he expected to see rock n’ roll excess and tensions within the band but what he got was so much more than what he bargained for. The result is the 6 hour and 22 minute opus entitled “SNYDER: Keep ‘Em Coming”.

This outstanding film covers the entire career of the band from its inception in a Liberty Park basement in 1978 to its current state in 2010. The definitive 32 year history of the band pulls no punches when exposing the line up changes of the band including interviews with all 17 current and former members of the band, their 9 different managers as well as celebrity interviews with Dave Mustaine, Pete Steele, Gene Simmons, Ozzy Osbourne, Stephen Pearcy, Steve “Lips” Kudlow, Vince Neil, Axl Rose, Slash, Bruce Kulick, Rob Halford, Glenn Danzig, Terry Bollea, Randall Poffo, Andre Young, Tracy Marrow, Curtis Jackson, Tom Waits, Billy Squire, Donnie Iris, Eddie Trunk, Howard Stern, Conan O’Brein and many others.

Without a doubt SNYDER is one of the most influential bands to have ever performed leaving their mark on almost all genres of music and lending inspiration to almost every band in the last 25 years. This intimate look at the band explores their love/hate relationships with each other and shines a light on an organization that is united in brotherhood and torn apart by business dealings.

All of the greatest comedies are based on tragedies of human emotion and the story of SNYDER is no different. This band has had to deal with treason, death, loss, glory, fame, drug addiction, sex addiction, accusations and ultimately triumph  in the face of adversity.

Accompanying the Blu-Ray and DVD release of this epic story will be a cd box set including all eight SNYDER cds as well as a brand new live compilation from their “Droppin’ Balls with SNYDER” performance of their classic hits and four band new studio tracks.

If you love music, if you love SNYDER, if you love America you owe it to yourself to own this fantastic documentary of a band built on a dream and fueled by a vision.

The final album, “Thruster” is a concept album about a young man coming of age and coming to grips with sex addiction, alcohol addiction and triumphing over adversity. No doubt most of the stories were influenced by the real life misadventures of the band. The album was produced by legendary producer Rick Ruben…’s third cousin twice removed, Laurie Graham and features a wide variety of hard rock styles.

SNYDER'S Final Studio Album

Long time members King Dut, Turbo and Nasty teamed up with new drummer Asian Cimba and bassist The JaGe as well as welcomed back former guitarist Bodie McNapnap as their keyboardist.

When asked for comment King Dut said, “The premise is that our dicks are like the crystal skulls and during an orgy our dicks communicated with one another and a bunch of weird shit happened.” Turbo replied, “Its about this kid Richard Thrust, who joins a band and rockets to fame and has to learn to deal with it. He’s faced with the question, is it actually better to burn out or fade away”.

Track Listing:
Pull The Train
Crystal Head (Won’t You Gimme Some)
Ass Station
Temple of Boom
Eiffel Tower
Thruster
Double Dribble
(Tits) Out the Backside
High Fivin,
Bend ‘er Over Break It Off

The Live ‘Til Death Tour was a concert tour performed by the rock group SNYDER. It was to be SNYDER’S last tour.

The FINAL SYNDER recording EVER!!!

The initial Japanese leg of the Farewell Tour was announced by promoters in 2011 and cancelled six days later due to “scheduling problems.”

In an interview with Dut at the show in Ames, Iowa, he stated that after the Australian leg, would be 5 final shows in Sidman at Liberty Park Pool.

The line up for this tour was King Dut, Turbo, Nasty, Asian Cimba, The JaGe and Bodie McNapnap.

The Live Album features 50 Classic SNYDER Hits

Track Listing:
Just The Tip
Lickin’ Up Your Love Juice
In Her Eyes
Backseat Girl
Bacon and Legs
Jacket Off
Bumrush
Hooskow (Whose Cow?)
Zipperlips
Down at the IHOP (International House of Pussy)
Number on the Wall
Dr. Beefhammer
The Tight Stuff
Love Burns
Pant Like A Dog
Itchy
Skirts
Thigh High
So Wet
In the Sack
Ton O’ Tongue
Wherever the ROAD may HEAD
Black Girls
Ball Game
Hair In My Teeth
Come Inside
Pay The Rent (With Sex)
Pay For Sex (With Rent)
Homeless Girl
All Over Your Face
8ITALL
Sting Ring
No Candy For You
Deeper, Harder, Wetter, Hotter
Don’t Pay To Play
Rigid
She’s Grown Up With Her Panties Down
I Like It (The Taste of Love)
Sweatin’ In The Night
Donkey Punchers Inc.
Give ‘er The Shocker
Come Again
Hands On (The Ballad of Cherrie)
Load Master
Dropped Outta School To Work The Pole
Pull The Train
Crystal Head (Won’t You Gimme Some)
Ass Station
Temple of Boom
Thruster

This entire Box Set is available from SNYtone Records for only $499.99