Tag Archives: The Faith Tones

Strange Tales Of The Internet- Album Covers.

Today marks a truly momentous occasion. Today I am launching an all new ongoing column here at Hey Stupid! called, Strange Tales of the Internet.

The point of all this is that my job provides me with plenty of time to browse the web while I pretend to work and I find some pretty messed up stuff so I am going to start archiving it here.

Today’s piece is about some of the strange “art” that has been used on album covers over the years. There are probably 50 some sites out there that list strange album covers and some even tell you where to get them. My list only displays the truly disturbing, so I encourage you to do some looking on your own.

Here they are in alphabetical order by artist.

aa-allen-god-is-akiller

A.A. Allen wants you to know that God is a Killer. I’m not sure why. I like to believe that one day God just got pushed to far. His ex-wife took out a restraining order on him, he recently lost his job his a/c goes out in his car on the hottest day of the year and he has to walk across L.A. in time to get to his little girl’s birthday. Oh wait. That’s the plot of Falling Down.

baby-bird-fatherhood

I don’t know what is going on on this cover. What I do know is that I will never have an erection again. Ever.

boxer-below-the-belt

Don’t get me wrong. I am as big a fan of cunt punching as the next guy, I’m just not sure it screams “Buy this album!” Probably explains why I have never heard of this band before.

butch-yelton-swing-that-gospel-axe

I would almost think that something called “Swing That Gospel Axe” was a fake if I hadn’t actually held it in my hands. One of my former associate’s mother was a complete religious nut bar and she had this gem in her collection. My biggest problem with this album is the dude in the floral shirt and glasses holding the axe. I can only assume that he is Butch Yelton as he is the only dude sans vest but he looks like a pickle rapist. He should not have been given a sharp weapon.

country-church-country-church

Sweater vests and plaid pants team up with turtle neck sweaters to take over the future. Where is the country church? Is it anywhere near the metal church? I think that chick was on the cast of Hee-Haw.

david-hasselhoff-night-rocker

I think David Hasselhoff should sue himself over this. At least for Kit’s sake. If I ever made an album like this I would be laying on the floor naked eating cheese burgers too.

david-ingles-satan-has-been-paralyzed

Satan has been paralyzed. He was working down at the yard when a chain broke loose on a crane and an 8 inch steel pipe fell on his spine. Look for the follow up album “Satan is on Worker’s Comp”.

davy-graham-hat

Davy Graham wants you to know that this album is Hat! My mom used to tell me that smoking pot and drinking too much would lead me to do crazy things I would regret later and I never believed her. Now I know her wisdom is true. Everyone gets a bad idea, for example “Davy…lets call the album ‘Hat’ and take a picture of you wearing a big fucking sombrero!” I get that, but why does he have to be so damned unhappy?

deep-purple-the-battle-rages-on

I love Deep Purple. I grew up on them. I used to listen to “Deepest Purple” almost everyday. In high school I dated a cute little blond chick who said she was also into Deep Purple. She had a poster of this album on her wall and I would make fun of her for it almost daily. Needless to say we broke up. Seriously though, it is a pair of Siamese ass dragons (dragons connected at the ass) fighting over the Deep Purple logo.

dethkorps-metal-tit

Behold! Metal Tit! Why? Shhh. Seriously. Why?

devastatin-dave-zip-zap-rap

Devastatin Dave is “The Turntable Slave”. This album is literally on every bad album art site on the web so I decided to include it here as well. Devastatin Dave looks like the love child of Lionel Ritche and Michael Jackson crossed with the “Soul-Glo” dude from Coming to America.

eulenspygel-2

Fucking Germans.

freddy-gage-all-my-friends-are-dead

Freddie, maybe all your friends formed a suicide pact because they were all tired of being your friends. Consider it. I only just look at you and want to kill myself, I don’t think all the Cymbalta in the world could save someone who actually had to hang out with you.

funkadelic-the-electric-spanking-of-war-babies

Funkadelic has always been a strange band, then again any band that is home to George Clinton and Bootsy Collins oughtta be. Strange and awesome that is. I have loved Parliament, Funkadelic, P-Funk, P-Fuck Allstars, whatever you want to call them ever since I was a little kid and heard an extended version of Flashlight. I have to point out that this album cover has a naked chick strapped into a spank machine that looks like a penis rocket shit commanded by a superhero.

furr-furr

One can only assume that Furr are the gay, retarded cousins of Kiss. Let’s break this down. The dude in the back that’s kind of flying looks like a cross  between Pepe Le Peu and Dustin Rhodes. The guy in the purple tights really wants you to look at his nipples, the guy in the green tights stole hs jacket from an Asian whore and the guy in the front is the superhero known as Fuckanass!!! Why is the tip of his boot sparkly?

herbie-man-push-push

If this were any more homo erotic I would be lighting cock scented candles and touching myself already. I am pretty sure this album cover alone was the inspiration for Ron Burgundy, and if not…he should have been.

hot-r-us-forbidden-fruit

This album must be about fucking in an apple. In reality, this album has not one but two covers of Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” on it. You stay classy mustache man and naked chick.

jay-snell-sex-and-the-female

They say in music you should stick to what you know. Something tells me ol Jay here has never had sex with, or around a female. Hell I doubt he’s ever even spoke with a female. What’s his next album? Jay Snell- Straight outta Compton?

jerry-irby-hot-line-to-heaven

What no one is telling you is that “Heaven” is a half-black half Portuguese hermaphroditic phone sex operator.

jim-post-i-love-my-life

Jim Post looks like the weird cowboy in the Three Amigos that was in the cantina. You know “I’ll help ye” and “Where’d You Get That Pretty Little Gun?”. It would be super cool if it was him, but it isn’t. If Jimmy boy loves his life so god damned much why does he look so pissed?

jonah-jones-i-dig-chicks

Sure none of the chicks on the cover are hot. That’s alright. The more important question is, where is this chick filled pit located and how did none of them get cut in half by the bucket of the backhoe as it was digging into chick central?

ken-by-request-only

If Ken worked by request only I promise you he died of starvation long ago. The guy looks like the type of person you’d expect to perform at little kids birthday parties only to find out later that he was arrested for raping and murdering like 50 people. His moustache is majestic though. HeLl of a lip scarf.

lordi-the-arockalypse

Lordi has been around for a while now. They are one of those bands that are fun to listen to once in a while and even though they look and act like GWAR they don’t really sound alike. Lordi are from Finland so that is probably just how they dress all the time.

louvin-brothers-satan-is-real

The Louvin brothers want you to know that Satan is real. Since I am sure you have probably seen this somewhere else before, let me give you a few tid bits you may not have known. The Satan in the background, who in fact looks like a younger, skinnier version of Satan from south park is actually a 12 foot tall plywood cutout. The fire all over the cover was made by burning old tires soaked in kerosene and the white suits are actually made from goat semen. Ok…the goat semen part was a lie.

luke-in-the-nude

What Luke doesn’t want you to know is that the original cover for this was him in the center of a bukake circle because he’s really into dudes.

mc-pooh-poohman

Looking at this ridiculously boring album cover may have you think Pooh-Man loves the pussy. The truth is if you look at it upside down what he’s really saying is that the chick is shitting him out.

mike-crain-gods-power

At first I thought this was a picture of Mike Myers to promote some new movie where he is a kun-fu master, you know, like the Guru only funny. Any how, I have no idea what a “Karatist Preacher” is or if “Karatist” is even a word. What I truly hope is that this entire recording is just him breaking cinder blocks and screaming “Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and “This one’s for you Jesus.”

orleans-waking-and-dreaming

I wanna start off by pointing out that Orleans made some pretty damned good music, it just also happens that they have one of I would say probably the three gayest album covers of all time. The one dude went on to be a congressman and the band is still performing. I hope they don’t get together and take pictures like this anymore though.

paddy-roberts-songs-for-gay-dogs

Why do gay dogs need their own songs? Can’t they listen to the Villiage People like everyone else? Well at least Paddy Roberts possess the power to know if your dog is gay.

richard-and-wille-funky-honkey-and-nasty-nigger

Look at this album cover. I mean really look at it. The first things that stick out at you are probably funky honkey and nasty nigger. Keep looking at it. Did you notice that the ventriloquist is naked and wearing a bow tie? Did you notice he is getting a blowjob? That leads me to the question, who are Richard and Willie? If they are the two puppets, ok, that makes sense. If it is supposed to be two separate ventriloquist does that mean one is sucking the other off?

rick-james-throwing-down

How is it that Rick James served so little jail time? The guy looks like a gay, black cracked out Conan the Barbarian. He always has. How did no one realize that he was way out in space somewhere? Superfreak is the shit, but if you’re white, can you really name one other Rick James song? Hell I bet most black people can’t.

riot-fire-down-under1

I’m not sure what’s going on here. It looks like a baby harp seal possessed by the devil has a human head shoved deep deep inside his ass, but I could be wrong.

rudy-ray-moore-the-sensuous-black-woman-eets-the-sensuous-black-mann

Just when you though, “I bet there won’t be a big floppy black dick on this list” Rudy Rey Moore, a.k.a. Dolemite dashes your hopes. What in the hell is going on on this thing? I mean really? There is like a kamasutra/horoscope thing around the outside, the names of some songs I guess, a black chick I wouldn’t mind throwing the thunder in and a naked dude. Why?

sing-out-for-motorcycles1

This confuses me, make my head hurt and pisses me off all at the same time.

stryken-first-strike

When god gets involved in music the result is always disastrous. Don’t get me wrong, I am not picking on Christians, I think having faith in anything is great but over half the albums on this list are “religious’. Ask yourself when is the last time your heard the term christian rock and didn’t shudder? Do you know any normal person who actually listens to christian rock, cause I sure as hell don’t. I could go on for hours about how people who can’t make it as pop or country singers get christian music contracts or how christian rap is pointless but I am here to focus on christian metal, in particular Stryken. As near as I can tell they just ripped off the other christian metal band at the time (or should it be tyme?) Stryper for their name. The obviously ripped off the Crue for their look and they ripped off the Nazi’s for their sound. Honestly, Listen to this shit sometime. They are like Petra only more pissed off and taken part in what I can only call a christian jihad. I think they actually got arrested for showing up at a Crue concert in armor and yelling at the crowd or some shit.

swamp-dogg-rat-on

I included this album cover because I have seen it on so many lists around the internet and I think it is an FCC requirement. If you’ve never actually heard this dude, you should.he’s got some stuff on youtube and his voice really is something. I’m just not sure what the fuck Rat On even means.

tammy-faye-baker-run-toward-the-roar
Anything with Tammy Faye Bakker scares the shit out of me including but not limited to this album and Jimmy Bakker’s dick. At least this album clears up what happened to her face, Aslan bit that shit the fuck off.

the-addicts-sing

The whole concept of this album was to have nine former addicts sing about god and Jesus. The only way these guys aren’t filthy rich is if they didn’t have a good lawyer. Think about it they could have sued every band from 1960- the present for trying to steal their shtick of getting a bunch of drug addicts together to form a band.

the-faith-tones-jesus-use-me

People thing at first that this is a religious album since they are called the Faith Tones and the record is called Jesus Use Me. In reality the three girls are all sisters with the last name Faith, hence Faith Tones, and Jesus doesn’t refer to the son of God, it refers to Jesus (hey-sues) the gardener son of Hector. These bitches all realized they were ass ugly and decided to beg the gardener to give em a four way fuck fest.

the-lemon-pipers-jungle-marmalade

Every once in a while I have to stop everything I am doing and take a moment to reflect on the fact that I am a lucky man. I have a hot wife, to wonderful kids, good friends and most importantly I have never actually heard any music by The Lemon Pipers. I don’t know what jungle marmalade is but I can only guess by the looks of it that its made from human babies. That dude on the top of the pyramid of heads there looks like Ozzy Osbourne.

the-ministers-quartet-let-me-touch-him

If him is me than the answer is no. Not now, not ever. No.

the-ritchie-family-bad-reputation

Black chicks, white dudes, a rot, a motor cycle, aviator glasses, chains and enough leather to give Rob Halford a boner. I don’t know what this is and I think I want to keep it that way.

the-scorpians-virgin-killer

This is from the brief era of the Scorpions when they let Gary Glitter design their album art.

the-undertones-hypnotised

This is actually just a picture of Mick Jagger and Alex winter at Red Lobster in the 80’s.

tino-por-primera-vez

Wow.

And just for good measure!!!